It is officially almost 2:00 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I am officially tired of it all. I know you are thinking…well if you are tired then you should be able to sleep. No…not really. I am tired of the bs that the other parent puts out there. My oldest son’s father has recently entered the picture again and he has been nothing but a text messaging parent. Whenever there is an event or anything…we receive text messages. Whenever my son wants to see him…we receive text messages on how he can’t make it happen at the time. Sooo…yesterday was his father’s birthday and we know how we are for our birthday… we take the day off, we have special shit planned, we got out for this specific day. Why was there no type of contact for my son? Why was there no mention of trying to see him, especially since he is out of school on this day as well? Am I tripping or is he just really in that comfortable stage of not doing shit?
I try my hardest to not be THAT baby mama. I barely get child support…we never see him…I am stuck with all the responsibility and yet I keep my mouth close. Something that is very hard to do right now. You see, I am at a breaking point. I am waking up feeling no longer like myself. Like I don’t even want to be a part of this world and yet, here I am. I do not have the option of saying, “I cannot do it,” when it comes to my kids. I don’t have the luxury of saying, “I am busy,” or “I am tired.” This doesn’t work on my end. While I am forced to live out my consequences of bad decisions and also try to learn about myself, I am stuck in a horrible place. I am 29 and just learning the best parts of me and yet, I have never been so unhappy in my entire life. I feel like it is being shut out because of my everyday responsibilities while the other half is just able to text in “have a good night” and live their life. I often feel bad because of my jealousy, but do I not have that right? Should I not be upset because I am taking on the full responsibility of someone who is half of me? I would always beat myself up because I would often wish that I had my kids later. But is that not a normal response to a young adult? I literally cannot even go out to grab dinner or a drink with someone because of my responsibilities. I am losing myself in this all and when I look for support, I get nothing. “Well, you shouldn’t have had kids so young.” “You should’ve thought about that then.” So, I am to be punished for my whole life for a simple error that I made when I was young? Forget the absentee parent. They can do whatever the fuck they want…but we are going to continue to make the parent who is actually involved in the child’s life…the one that is there at every second of the day suffer? No, there will be no nights off…there will be no social times with others…you will suffer abundantly…while the absentee parent lives their life carefree. Why is this?
I love my kids…more than I love myself because honestly, I am over this world and would love to be rid of it. But, I am tired. I am tired of holding this burden on my own. Tired of realizing my own dreams and having to pushing them to the side to make room for theirs. Tired of working stupid ass jobs just to keep the lights on when I want to see what lays ahead for my own career. Tired of being the only one who answers the call. Tired of being the one who wakes up, gets them dressed, off to school, then off to work, picks them up, cooks dinner, checks homework, goes back to work, finishes her own homework, and passes out before 10:00pm. What life is this? I AM FUCKING TIRED! But what choice do I have? I can’t do anything but write a sad blog about these issues, cry, drink, and suck it up. Oh and let’s not even talk about the one thing I could do to sort of have a release, drinking, has me totally turned off. I literally turn my nose up at a drink now so there goes that outlet. This is the life I choose and it is what it is. Is it fair? Fuck no…but no one else sees it as that. I can do nothing, but pray for some happiness and solace when I wake up because as a single mother…my head and my thoughts are the worst place to be.