By now, if you’ve been following me for all these years, you should know that when it comes to relationships I have the absolute worst luck. Even with just sexual partners…(http://iamjeaninenicole.com/2013/07/31/the-list)…shit just goes downhill. As I have been able to sit back and think on the reasons why, the main one has always been how much I hate interacting with others. Like, I literally have to give myself a pep talk and a few shots, before I have to have conversations with people. I don’t care about your day…or care if you care about mine. I just want to be left alone when I want to be alone. With that being said, I wholeheartedly feel that I would prefer to be a baby mama vs. a wife.
What the frijoles?? She wants to be what vs. what??? Has she lost her mind? Who would want to be that? That’s like the lowest level? How disrespectful! She can’t love herself. She clearly is settling and has no real future ahead of her. She must be trash. I feel sorry for her.
Now, before you go any further, let me explain. Growing up, I’ve never been around a successful and loving marriage. Even now, I don’t know anyone my age who is actually happily married. Like, full on in love with their spouse. They fake it on social media, but when it’s time to log off, they hate their damn life. They envy others and regret being trapped in their marriage. They have lost themselves. They don’t know how to do anything outside of being a wife and they even hate being that. There is no compassion. There is no happiness. It’s an obligation. A life sentence. A long-term, meaningless journey that ends in heartbreak, failure, or worse, settlement. They only receive a temporary amount of satisfaction when they are able to say, “My husband.” WHO THE HELL WANTS TO WILLINGLY DO THIS??? Arguably, there are great marriages out there. Men and women who fully love each other and have a healthy relationship. Yes…they are out there, but I have never been exposed to them, so I can only speak for what I see and feel.
I’ve always loved the idea of marriage until I became older and actually saw what marriage was really like. The notion that you can only be truly happy and successful if you have a ring on your finger has always bothered me. It’s just simply not true. Being a single mother for over 12 years has been somewhat of a choice for me now. In the beginning, I wanted companionship. I wanted the family, but then I realized I was losing myself in ways I didn’t like. I literally felt the life being sucked out of me during my relationships and I had to put a stop to it. Being able to leave at any point is the main reason why I have no desire to be a wife. I don’t want to be held down at all. I want to be free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want. This is the thing that brings me happiness. My independence. My ability to survive on my own and hold shit down. From what I am told…this level of independence is not acceptable in a marriage so why bother? What man is going to let his wife come and go as she pleases? Not answer to him? Spend whatever she wants and worry about the bills later? Dye and cut her hair at any whim? Play Beyoncé obnoxiously loud EVERY SINGLE DAY??? You see my point?
This is why I would rather be another baby mama. My goals have never been to be a wife. It’s just not anything I would want to subscribe to at this moment. I cannot see any real benefits of being married. But, having another baby has been a goal of mine for a few years. Specifically a daughter. (If I have a boy, please know he will be dropped off at the nearest fire station.) Being a mother brings me more joy than I think being a wife would ever bring. Being a mother has more substance…has a bigger meaning. I am bringing life into this world. I am cultivating a citizen. I could be raising the next big thing! Just the thought of it has me ready to throw away my birth control. Honestly, motherhood has had its ups and downs for me. I was pregnant at 19 and have been on my own since then. I never got to experience an actual life because I was already taking care of two by the time I was 24. Now, that I am older and coming into my own life journey, I am ready to share more and do more with my children. Show them the life I never had. Give them different experiences. Being a mother just seems so much easier vs. being a wife. I don’t lose myself completely while being a mother because my children are actually helping me to see a different side of myself. A side that I never thought would exist without them. Not sure how a marriage would bring this about.
Also, let’s take the negative connotation off of being a baby mama. No, I don’t want to be another single mother. I plan on having someone who is active and willingly takes care of their children and enjoys them. I would never just get pregnant randomly at this age because that’s just not my journey. I feel like many people think of being a baby mama negatively and that’s where the unwanted vibes come from. Free yourself from “normal” thinking and you will be able to see the world through different eyes and probably surprise yourself at what you would prefer to do vs. what is expected.
So, again, THIS IS FROM WHAT I HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO AND SEE. “Well, why don’t you expose yourself to more happily married people?” For one, WHERE THEY AT THOUGH?? For two, no. Being around something will not really change my viewpoint on how I internally feel. I honestly can say I would be happier with a little version of me running around vs. a man in my face 24/7. And this revelation didn’t happen over night. I fought and fought myself for even thinking these thoughts months ago. I was a woman…how dare I not want to aspire to marriage? I had the same negative comments until I realized that this was MY reality. It was MY truth. The freedom I felt when I finally said it, validated it for me. We all live different lives and are on different journeys. Just because it works for some doesn’t mean it will work for you…and that is okay! I really just want that to be the takeaway of this post. It is okay to not do the “normal” thing. It is okay to want something different even if other people turn their noses up at you. Who cares? Your happiness is all that matters. Stop living for other people and live for yourself. If you want to be a baby mama, be that. If you want to be a wife, be that. Just make sure you are doing it FOR YOU…and not for social media or others approval. Trust me…these people don’t care about you. They will talk about you whether you have a ring on your finger or another car seat in your car.