Selfish

It’s hard to not think that it’s just me. That I’m destined to be destitute and alone. Despite my efforts, I am always here again. Abandoned. Alone. Left to take care of it all. It has to be me. Three times. I am the common denominator. Friends leave. Family.

It’s hard to not think that this is just how my life will be.

Nothing will change, no matter my efforts. No magical fantasy will catapult me out of this hell. It’s hard to think that this will get better when there are countless signs showing the opposite. Countless notifications increasing a negative balance. Countless notifications of reminders of what is due. There is no good news because it’s drowned by the everyday bullshit. It’s hard to think that this is just not my life. The fantasy I created has doomed me to this life. I have no one to blame but myself. But is that fair? When I work, day and night, to try to stay afloat. When I continue to talk myself out of the grave. When I continue to pour my whole being into this house, even when an ounce of that is not reciprocated. Is this fair or is this just life? My life. Am I selfish to not just end it all? Selfish to not allow them to move on and be happy somewhere else? With someone else who can give them more than I can? More than this life will allow me to give? They say failure is selfish…but why is that not the same for continuing to go on? It’s crazy to keep doing the same thing over and over so why am I still doing it?

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