For a few years now I have been wanting/needing a bigger space. A two bedroom apartment was okay…but with the addition of my daughter and my boys getting older…space was needed. After my daughter was born, my parents had given me an option of renting out their house. They were going to be reuniting and looking for a new place of their own. This sounded like the perfect thing, but this was just coming off of a huge family blowup. Did I really want to do this right now? I was trying to get myself back to “normal” and stay there. Yes, financially, it was the smartest thing to do…but mentally, I wasn’t there. So I decided to decline and continue to work and save enough to move into a bigger apartment on my own. I also hated this option because that would mean I would have to move twice. I still wanted a house, (not an apartment), for my kids to grow up in. But that is what I was going to have to do. I wanted to prove that I could put in the work and complete this task. It was going to be hard, but nothing I wasn’t ready for.
*I would like to note that around this time I had purchase Ancestor Money (Google please) and was burning it weekly.*
So, where do I begin? Let’s just make it quick because I don’t want this to be a “woe is me” post. The weekend before my oldest son’s birthday, I was arrested. Some mix up with two traffic tickets in two different counties and apparently a warrant had been out for my arrest for months! I was handcuffed and booked yall!! Like in the orange jumpsuit and everything. (I slick think I lost a little bit of my mind. I was in the cell and I was like well fuck it. Ima be in here so I may as well try to detangle my hair and I started adding dirty ass jail water to my fro, hand picking it out!! This was within the first ten seconds of being in the cell lmao.)
Luckily, I was able to get out that same day, but that started the streak of “bad luck.” A month later, I was offered a job with Kaiser Permanente. The recruiter called and told me it was an upgrade in pay and would be Mon-Fri 9-5pm. I could not believe it because those were the exact hours I wanted and needed with my kids. I quickly accepted and put in my two weeks notice at my current job. Long story short, it was not Kaiser who called me, but a staffing agency. The hours were not 9-5pm Mon-Fri, but 12pm-9pm with Saturdays mandatory. I learned this in our first training session. I had just quit a job for a job that I couldn’t even work. During this time, bills were piling up and now I was jobless. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I tried to stay positive and kept my ritual up of burning my ancestor money and meditating.
A week before Christmas, my car completely broke down out of nowhere and I had to get rid of it. A car I needed desperately to get my youngest son to school. He was not at the neighborhood school, due to his IEP, and could not take the school bus. Uber and this situation was draining me. I had finally got my unemployment to start and was able to use some of that money to find a car. (The exact car I had to get rid of lol). Things were looking up…until I lost my apartment. I was hoping to find work once I got the car and catch up on bills, but that was a no go and I had to leave immediately.
My parents were there to help, thankfully. I almost didn’t even call because I didn’t want to be here again…for the fourth time. I had been here so many damn times. Whether it was due to relationship problems or financial, I had been back in this house..this room…again trying to pick up the pieces. But something about this time felt different. I had discussed the option of still renting while my parents looked for their own place and decided to go with it. Technically I would not have to pay anything until my dad moved out, so that would give me enough time to save up and get on top of things. I had to put my pride aside and agree to the obvious. This is the path I needed to be on…the one I had prayed to my ancestors for. I knew the path of struggling and getting back on my feet. I knew how to make things work with absolutely nothing. I wanted a change. I wanted the real path to my future. It was hard, at first, because traveling back and forth to pick the kids up was hectic. We would have to leave at the crack of dawn to beat traffic. I would come home and rest for about two hours and be back on the road to pick them up from school and then back in traffic for another two hours to get home. Gotta love my city!!
Fast forward to today…Coronavirus happened shortly after and I knew that I had to get this house together to make it livable for me and my kids. It was in need of a full makeover and I had to be able to do that. I finally was able to realize that this was MY HOME. It was not the place I retreated to whenever I fucked up. It was not the place of bad memories and mental hardships. Being here was not going to cause a reversal. This was a positive that was going to push me forward. The path I needed to be on. A path I never would have agreed to if those series of unfortunate events had not happened. I would not be in the place that I am if it wasn’t for those moments. Happy. A sense of worth. Accomplished. I have never in my life been this positive and happy. I have never been this much at ease, even in this time of uncertainty.
I can only attribute this to my ancestors guiding me. I have learned to truly let go and let them show me the way. Even when I have moments where doubt creeps in…I know to shut it out. No, I wasn’t an official “home owner.” No, I didn’t struggle and grind to get this house. But actually in a way, haven’t I? Throughout my trials and tribulations…did that struggle, resilience, and grind not lead me to this very moment? What was the difference?
Every path is not meant to be the same. All that matters is if you are following yours. That’s the lesson I have pulled from this moment. A house I vowed to never set foot in again was now our home. The difference was that, this time, these were on my terms. I controlled the narrative here. I had the power! (S/O to Oya Orisha).
I say all of this to basically say that some times you have to just let go. Get out of your head and just let things happen. Your journey is your own. It won’t look like others AND THAT IS OKAY. That’s why it’s yours. I have always been an open book for this very reason. I never see many who go through what I go through or talk about it. This is why I have always been so depressed throughout my life. I always felt alone. I never ever want anyone to feel that way and so I am always down to share my story. If it helps one person, my mission is complete.