Indecisive During the Pandemic

Has anyone else felt an overwhelming feeling of indecisiveness during the pandemic? For me, I am already a very indecisive person. This is because it seems as if every decision I make affects my life in some kind of negative way. It’s also not just MY life that hangs in the balance, but my kids as well…which brings more anxiety and makes every decision nerve wrecking.

During the pandemic, my indecisiveness has seemed to be exacerbated. There are moments where I feel like I am making the right decision…but then I second guess myself and wonder if it really is the right decision. Two huge decisions that have been affecting me have to do with working and investing in my business.

When it comes to my business, (yes I plugged my own shit 😂), I do pretty much everything on my own. That also means I handle everything FINANCIALLY on my own. When it comes to trying to promote more, I am finding it difficult to decide on spending more money to promote with bigger brands or to just keep promoting on my own. Promoting with bigger brands is always a hit or miss and with the pandemic and the lack of certainty with finances…should I really gamble like that? But then I also ask myself “What if this is the one?” What if this is the opportunity that I’ve been waiting for?? What if I’m turning down the chance of a lifetime?

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The hardest one has had to be going back to work. During the pandemic, like many others, I was unable to work. I worked in the medical field and with having a one year old, plus my boys not going to school…working was non-negotiable. Yes, I was blessed with unemployment, which helped to keep us afloat and make necessary house changes since we literally moved weeks before everything shut down. But when you have real life bills…that unemployment quickly ran its course. And unfortunately I’m not good at scamming so I didn’t get any of those extra loans and crap they were handing out to random “businesses” 🙄. Am I hating? Yes…yes I am. Lol

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Anyways, so now that we are closing out the year, the holidays are among us, I am finishing up school(school that I pay for), and I am down to the bare minimum…I’ve been plagued with the decision of should I go back to working? The obvious choice is hell yes! We need the money and I refuse to put my kids through another tumultuous year. Having the money to do things that we wanted and buy things that we needed, without too much worry, lifted a huge mental weight off me and my kids. But the reality is…it’s just not that simple.

Again, my kids are at home doing online school. Daycares are open, but with my daughter putting any and everything in her mouth…I don’t trust her not coming home with the Coronavirus and more!! My oldest isn’t able to handle watching a toddler, his autistic brother, AND staying on track of school work so that was a negative. My middle son was finally doing great with his online school and that was because I was able to be here and help him along the way. Did I want to ruin this?

I thought about taking on a night shift. I even got hired for one…but as I started to take the steps necessary to prepare my kids for this change…hell broke loose. My middle son started to have a huge issue with his anger. Any time he was left at home, I would come home to a disaster. He needed to be back in therapy…we all needed to be in therapy to find ways to redirect him before he explodes. But with the pandemic, things were on a halt. My daughter, who normally sleeps through the night with no issues, started waking up several times throughout the night. This was discouraging because my oldest sleeps like a bump on a log. He literally can sleep through a war. This concerned me because the job location was a good hour away and I couldn’t take that chance for safety reasons.

So now that night shift was out of the question…what shift was possible? Maybe a weekend shift? But was that reliable? Did the people who could possibly watch my kids(relatives, friends) really be that reliable and consistent? I had tried it before and it failed, so did I want to take that risk again?

And lastly…my line of work is in the medical field. Did I want to risk becoming sick and contaminating my family…especially as flu season is near and numbers rise? What if my kids got sick and didn’t recover? My parents? Myself? Was it worth it? Was I being overly dramatic and just looking for excuses to not work? You see the issue???

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I honestly have no “ah ha” moment here. I still struggle with these indecisive decisions as the days pass. Bills don’t stop just because a pandemic is going on. I’ve tried to stay positive. Push my products and other things that I have in the making. I’ve picked back up with doing food deliveries…even though that’s not the easiest to do schedule wise(I’m home with the kids during the day and I can’t see at night while driving…I’m a mess).

The real point of this post, as many of my posts, is to just let other people see that they are not alone. In this case, I feel beyond unseen. No one I know is going through this type of situations. They are working from home and just fine. Kids are old enough where daycare is no concern. Or they have a significant other or other parent who helps and carries the load. Or they are single with no kids and can come and go as they please. They don’t seem to be going through any of these issues, (from what I can see), which makes it harder to vent and get suggestions.

I want others to really see that they are not alone. They probably don’t have anyone out there sharing their story so I’m here to do it for them. And those who do have the help and don’t have to wake up with these daily crippling thoughts…be more thankful. Don’t take that for granted. I also wrote this post to somewhat get out these emotions so the stress and weight of these thoughts can be released. Once they are released, I am somehow able to see things more clear.

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At the end of the day, I know my resilience will get me through anything. The best thing I can do is stay mentally healthy in these kind of situations. I cannot think about the downward spiral that could happen. I have to stay positive and that’s that. I have the ability to make money appear out of nowhere so I have to just roll with that. When the time comes, the universe will show me the right direction. That does not mean that these thoughts will go away, but I have the power to not entertain them. Please please stay healthy during these times. And continue to be grateful for the things you do have. 💙

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