Let me start with saying, for business reasons I haven’t completely deactivated my Facebook account. But the app is deleted from my phone. Now, I have done this a few times before but I always find myself downloading the app back within a few days or even hours. What is different this time?
The difference this time is that I am understanding more of my triggers when it comes to mental health and depression and Facebook is one of those for me. During the pandemic, for whatever reason, I’ve been wanting more connections. Real connections. I’ve noticed that Facebook is a façade. Fake connections. Fake attention. It’s just all fake for me now. Now this doesn’t mean that the people I interact with online are being fake or phony…it’s just not the real connection that I am looking for currently.
These “friends” don’t give a damn about me in the way that I need. You hear it every day. This is just Facebook. It’s just social media. None of it is real. Well, for me, it was the opposite. Unfortunately, as a Gemini and just as Jeanine, I take things more seriously than necessary. If someone laughs at something I say, I am instantly gratified and expect that to continue. But that’s not reality. These people owe me nothing! And when they give me nothing …I take it to heart. I’ve noticed that I take it to heart more than others because I don’t have any real connections outside of social media. I may have about three…but that’s even slim especially with the pandemic. My main source of connection was Facebook. And that main source was nothing but a facade.
The cover picture I posted sums up social media for me. Everyone is sooooo happy…but underneath they really aren’t. Knowing this and still seeing the fake posts and laughs just became too much for me. Something I normally could ignore was bubbling up inside of me and I wanted to speak out. BUUUUTTTT I also know that it’s not my place to speak up or judge anyone so I kept to myself. Of course, until I felt like I was going to explode and just said fuck it and deleted it 😂😂.
I only wrote this post because for one, I want people to know that I am no longer active on my personal page. You are still able to tag me and everything…but you won’t get a response because I’m not on there and have no intentions on checking the notifications. I’m not ignoring anyone…just not present on there.
Secondly, like always, I wrote this post for you guys. The people who are out there struggling with the connection between social media and mental health. The ones who are too scared to acknowledge this connection because of how you will be portrayed. I was scared of the same thing. Some people just don’t get it and I had to realize that it’s not their place to get. I know FOR ME, Facebook isn’t the place I need to be right now. When you are looking at every word, comment, post…whatever with resentment, it’s time to make a change. And that’s where I was. I was getting upset because people were tagging and talking to other friends and not me 😩😂. I laugh, but it was a real thing. And again, it becomes more real when that is your only connection. If you have no one really speaking to you outside of social media…then you don’t have people speaking to you on social media…you see where I’m going?
Again…I never have an issue with telling my story because it can help someone out there. I will never be embarrassed by anything I put on this blog because I have come to peace with it myself. My main goal is to continue down a healthy path to better mental health. The only way to do that is to have the tough conversations with myself and figure things out. It goes back to shadow working. I stopped looking at what other people were doing and looked at myself. Why was I so upset that nobody was tagging me in posts? Why was I so upset when people talked about buying products, but didn’t talk about buying mine? Why was I so upset when people posted pics with other friends, but none with me? Clearly this was a ME issue. And, for me, the main factor was Facebook.
Facebook reminded me of school. I was on the outside trying to find a way in. And whenever I thought I was “in”…I was shown that I wasn’t really in anything. It gave me a fake sense of belonging when reality was I didn’t belong. My task now is to find a place where I truly belong. Where I feel like this is my space. Where I am not looking to others to give me validation because I already have it. How do I find this place? Through more shadow work and soul searching. I believe my main issue isn’t really social media. My issue is needing validation and attention and social media is the only thing that’s there to give it to you 24/7. I don’t really have anyone outside of social media to converse or hang out with so social media was my outlet. A very unhealthy one.
Anyways, I am rambling, but I hope that connection is clear. So for now, Facebook is outta of here until I’m in a healthier mental space. This will force me to create healthy relationships outside of social media which is something I encourage everyone to do. And even though this is harder to do know because of the pandemic, maybe it is time to focus on creating a healthier relationship with myself💙.