Quick Question

Do you ever feel like you’re being punished for your actions in life? Like no matter what, you’re getting the bullshit end because of earlier decisions you made in life? Quick example. I honestly feel like I’m being punished for taking responsibility and being a single mother. I know how crazy that sounds…but hear me out. I’ll break it down.

Career wise…I’ve always wanted to be a writer or director. Having my oldest at 19/20 put a damper on that because financially, I couldn’t continue going to the film school I was in. I was a single mother so all the bills fell on me. I also wasn’t able to be apart of any of the film activities because who was watching my son? Again…single mother so I had him 24/7. I slowly gave up on that dream and worked in customer service. This worked fine until baby number 2 came. My middle son has ASD(autism spectrum disorder) and this always caused an issue with working. His tantrums were horrible and I was called almost daily to get him from daycare or school. I started working from home but that meant less money and opportunities. Which kind of ties into me being punished financially.

Financially…I never can seem to get where I need to be. Whenever a great opportunity comes, I normally can’t partake because of the responsibility of taking care of my kids. I feel like I am put in a box because I can only work certain hours and most of those hours are not available. Now with baby number 3 AND a pandemic, work is a no go. Daycare isn’t an option and my kids are at home for school, which I have to be here to supervise. So, financially, I feel stuck. I don’t have the luxury, like the other “parent”, to be free to work whenever and where ever I want. I have to factor them in because I have them 24/7. Again…a punishment for being the responsible one.

Lastly, relationship wise…well it’s become a joke to me at this point. People don’t believe me but I honestly never get passed the “kids” questions. Once they realize I have three, they disappear. A common theme in my life 😩😂. It’s not funny but eh. Meanwhile the other “parents” are living life and dating whomever they feel. They have the luxury of actually having a life…whereas, I’m being punished for stepping up and handling my responsibilities.

I want to be clear that I don’t blame anyone in this situation. I had these kids so I bear the brunt of taking care of them. I get that. Trust me I do. But I can’t help but wonder if the universe is just punishing the wrong parent here. I mean…seriously? Every aspect of my life has been affected because I chose to be responsible. If I would’ve been a deadbeat mother, would I have all these things that I lack in? Would I be working the job of my dreams? Would I have met my soulmate or at least gone on a few good dates? Would my financially stability be better because I’m essentially only taking care of myself? These are the questions I battle with.

I would never be that deadbeat so I guess those questions will remain unanswered. So is it punishment for stepping up? Or is it the universe just ignoring me for the moment? Or is it just__________ you fill in the blank because I have nothing lol.

I just wanted to write this to get this energy out of me. I hate feeling like I don’t have access to certain parts of normal life because I decided to be an actual parent. I hate thinking that the universe is against me. So the only way to stop feeling like that is to write it out. Maybe someone else feels the same way as me. Maybe someone felt this way and it changed for them. Maybe someone has a way for me to look at this in a better light. Who knows? Every post has a reason. So we will see what comes out of this. 💙

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