Sooo let’s discuss the title of this post. (And yes! That’s me in the pic…sorry Mom I’ve posted worse😂.) To fully understand it, you would have to first understand who Amari Nicole is. Amari Nicole is basically my Sasha Fierce. She’s a persona I created(unknowingly) many years ago.
Whenever I was on Facebook and in various groups, I did not want anyone to know my real name. I also didn’t want anyone associating my flirtatious, sexual persona with my real name. Jeanine Nicole was mom…the shy girl who knew nothing about herself…the responsible one. Amari…she was different. She was confident, beautiful, sexy, funny, quick witted. Amari gave zero fucks and expressed it(unlike Jeanine). She was just a good time and I loved being able to tap into my sexual side with her. I say that she was created unknowingly because I always associated Amari being the real me. Just a side I was too nervous to show anyone. She was my explorative side and once I saw that there was more attention and a sense of freedom that came with it…I was all in.
But after a while, Amari started to become no longer exciting for me. I started to see her as more of a crutch vs a space to be free. I used her to make me feel better when I was depressed. Used her to make me feel like I was something in this world. Amari got all the attention and I used that to keep myself afloat because Jeanine was drowning. It wasn’t until I posted this picture that I felt like I was annoyed with Amari’s presence.
I no longer wanted her representing me.
A lot of this had to do with the fact that I was actively dating(a horrible decision 😂). During this dating process, I would find Amari showing up more than Jeanine. While at first, I was okay with it…it started to get annoying when I found myself wanting the other person to like Jeanine vs Amari. I wanted something genuine and Amari had already dug her claws in and prevented that from happening. I never had been one to have an issue separating sex from a person or relationship. I could flirt with you or have a sexual experience and not talk to you ten minutes later. A trait I prided myself in for a long time. I wasn’t focused on being in a relationship…so that trait was perfect…for that time. For Amari.
But now that I was feeling more vulnerable and wanting to explore something more serious, I realized that I needed to change how I approached these relationships. I realized that Amari could no longer exist…at least not full time. It was time for Jeanine to realize her power and show up. Unfortunately, I wasn’t even sure who the hell Jeanine was. I always associated Jeanine with the responsible one…honestly just the mom. My kids’ teachers called me Jeanine…the doctors…family members…the bill collectors…Jeanine just wasn’t appealing to me.
But as I’ve gone on this year of finding myself, I am discovering that Jeanine is so much more than that. And it’s okay to associate that name…myself…with being worthy of real love. (It’s mind boggling how your mind can twist things around.)
So with that being said…if anyone has paid attention…Amari Nicole has been dead for a few months now. Facebook page gone, secret IG gone, nudes gone 🤷🏾♀️. And I’ve been okay with that. I’ve actually been more than okay, which is also weird for me because I felt like it would be so much harder to get rid of her because she was such an integral part of my life. When I first toyed with the idea that I needed to delete her out of my life, I knew that it wouldn’t last. I was too much of a sexual person and never could fathom going weeks, let alone months without any kind of sexual interaction. I haven’t even wanted to talk to anyone which is how I know the ancestors have me on the right journey. I literally told them I would only stay on this path if they took the urges away…and they dried it up like the Sahara desert 😂😂. Even the idea of kissing someone is like “why?” Lol.
For me, Amari will always be a part of me. I created her. Birthed and gave her life. I enjoyed the freedom I had while being her. The confidence she gave me. But this is the same freedom and confidence that I want to incorporate into myself…into Jeanine. A healthier version that will add another aspect to the person I’m becoming. Finding myself in all realms of my life is the goal and I think finally letting go has helped in more ways than I ever thought it would. Who knew this journey would be such an eye opener?
I implore everyone to take the time to find themselves. And keep finding yourself. Things change and so do you AND IT’S OKAY! Shadowwork has helped me to understand that I play an important part in my own healing and it has helped so much. Instead of looking at how others harmed me and put me in certain mental situations…shadowwork teaches you how to look within and figure out why YOU did/allowed those things. Best thing I’ve ever discovered. 💙