Category: Poetry

Selfish

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It’s hard to not think that it’s just me. That I’m destined to be destitute and alone. Despite my efforts, I am always here again. Abandoned. Alone. Left to take care of it all. It has to be me. Three times. I am the common denominator. Friends leave. Family.

It’s hard to not think that this is just how my life will be.

Nothing will change, no matter my efforts. No magical fantasy will catapult me out of this hell. It’s hard to think that this will get better when there are countless signs showing the opposite. Countless notifications increasing a negative balance. Countless notifications of reminders of what is due. There is no good news because it’s drowned by the everyday bullshit. It’s hard to think that this is just not my life. The fantasy I created has doomed me to this life. I have no one to blame but myself. But is that fair? When I work, day and night, to try to stay afloat. When I continue to talk myself out of the grave. When I continue to pour my whole being into this house, even when an ounce of that is not reciprocated. Is this fair or is this just life? My life. Am I selfish to not just end it all? Selfish to not allow them to move on and be happy somewhere else? With someone else who can give them more than I can? More than this life will allow me to give? They say failure is selfish…but why is that not the same for continuing to go on? It’s crazy to keep doing the same thing over and over so why am I still doing it?

the night i committed suicide

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standing there…tears falling as I stir the food. dinner has to be prepared before anything. i wipe my eyes as more tears fall. echos of several rounds of “mom” falter in the background. music plays in my head to drown out that nagging voice. the voice that is telling me no. i glance at the kitchen shears out of the corner of my eyes. the music begins to get louder. the voice is quieter. i keep myself busy as they eat. cleaning the dishes for the millionth time. sweeping the floor. picking up clothes that are only visible to me. breathing becomes shallow as arguing ensues. i have no strength to tell them to stop. i sit at my desk, writing a letter that never becomes finished. silence finally as they are finally sleep. i stare at them in their peaceful slumber. they will be happier in the morning. the voice begins to speak up. i begin to play back reminders of why this pain began. the voice is quiet. i go downstairs. into the bathroom. the kitchen shears have appeared once again. i stare at myself in the mirror wishing she was a stranger. but she is me. this broken shell of a woman is me. this woman who can’t get it right. this woman who repeatedly fails. this woman who wears a happy face but cries daily. this woman who has no one. she. is. me. the voice starts to come around. say what you want…this deed is done. they will be happier when their problem is gone. everyone. the release is jolting. the pressure disappears. expectations diminished. freedom with every gasping breath.

Insatiable

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Here I am.

Legs shaking, heart racing.

Breathing erratic.

I look over and smile.

You shake your head…you know what I want.

I laugh to myself as I wait for you.

My thirst still needing to be quenched.

You see, this insatiable beast inside of me

is in need of more…

More of you.

More of us.

More.

The kisses, the biting, the earth shattering orgasms just don’t seem to cut it.

I need more.

 You leave me breathless.

With the inability to move.

Back hurting, shoulders sore…

but I still need more.

Waking neighbors, I yearn for that feeling.

Scratching and pulling,

slight gasping of air as your grasp becomes tighter…and tighter…

until I explode.

Insatiable beast and I still want more.

You say you love the challenge

and baby, you rise every time.

You rise, and I climb…you rise, and I climb…you rise…

and I reach the peak of sexual freedom that I have never felt.

And yet…I still want more.

Maybe, I will never be truly satisfied.

Never wanting the release of your tongue grazing my thighs.

Maybe, I will never be fulfilled wholly…

or is it just an indulgence turning into an addiction slowly?

Whatever it is, I appreciate your enthusiasm for me.

Your willingness to please…

your yearning to

continuously feed…

this insatiable beast.

-Jeanine Nicole C/O 12/13/2015

Photo source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C33ZN10UDGU

Trapped

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It has happened.
I’m finally there.
Years of doubt and struggle,
But here I am.
Love has found me.
I have finally opened my once cold and blocked heart
To the possibilities.
Joy, happiness, love
But, wait?
You’re gone…again.
On the phone…again.
Chillin….again.
But I was there!
I mean, I was really right there.
I was there in that place,
Mind made up.
Telling me to allow this to fruition into
What I knew it could be.
Love.
Giggling.
Excitement.
Secure.
I.was.there.
But, now, I don’t know where I am.
That smile that warmed my heart
Is no longer around.
That voice that kept me sane
Is gone.
You’re here, but where are you?
Laying next to me, but I can’t feel you’re touch.
Is this love?
Am i still there?
No. I’m definitely back here.
Oh, God.
Here it comes.
The insecurity. The thoughts. The constant “what did I do?”
Never good enough.
Pretty enough. Skinny enough.
Thick enough. Funny enough.
Never enough to keep me there.
There.
That place I had longed for.
Had praised God once I got there,
But now what do I do now
That I am back here?
Start again?
I’m too tired.
Keep trying?
Why bother.
This place is dark.
Cold.
Depleted.
But familiar.
I know how to act here.
No surprises. No turnarounds.
One strict goal.
Trapped…out of love…again.
Welcome home.

Unleashed

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Strip me down bare
Reveal these tortured walls
Let me rest inside of you
Or better yet you inside of me
Choke those inner feelings
Exhale these doubtful dreams
Caress the curves of my unspoken truth

Embrace my silent mentality
Kiss away my fears
Whisper silent prayers in my ears
Grab my soul
Command my attention
Cause sweet seizures to my spine
Harden my mind
Moisten my heart
Awaken every inch of my life
Strip me down bare
Reveal these tortured walls
Make love to my single being

The Girl Who Stood Alone

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You see that smile
One of my greatest feats yet
Smiling through pain
Over 20 years in and still
Going
You see the girl behind that smile
No one wants to meet
No one cares about
That girl is everyone’s plan b
Put on the back burner
Time and time again.
You see everyone loves
That smile she carries
But no one knows of the pain behind it.
The sadness. The hurt. The
Longing for this life to be over.
What’s the point of living to be disappointed day in and day out?
What’s the point of living to constantly be rejected?
But she can’t let anyone see this.
She has to keep that forced front up.
That hardness…that shell.
Happiness evades her…but sadness overwhelms.
Tears come easy while laughs are forced.
Often alone…the darkness is her friend.
But when it’s time to go out, the show begins.
Makeup to cover the scars of rejection,
Lipstick to cover the anguish of heartbreak.
Foundation to cover a face to unfamiliar for her.
In the light, she is joyful…witty
But if they only knew the girl behind that smile.
A girl that only herself can confront…comfort on brinks of breakdowns.
A girl that carries the weight of her world on her own shoulders.
But no one cares.
That smile…so beautiful and bright…
But only if you could see her at night.

Blaze

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I normally don’t smoke…alone
But you’re gone so here it goes.
But with each hit, I realize my reality…
You’re gone…I’m here…
Again.
I lost myself in you and
It wasn’t enough.
You left me hazy like this
Green apple kush I’m blazin.
Had me on cloud nine
Every single orgasmic time.
That smile, those eyes, that mindset
You had me.
But like this blunt…
The spark has died out.
See, if I inhale hard enough
I can light it again.
But is it worth the pain…the stress?
Or should I just let it go?
Remember the intoxication and save it for another lifetime?
But unlike this blunt…
I can’t get enough.
You.
I need all of you.
Not just a few puffs of pleasure.
I need it all.
But it hits me again…
My reality.
I search for my lighter
Getting higher and higher
“Bitch don’t kill my vibe”
Blasting higher and higher.
Inhaling, transforming
No more reality.

Soulmates

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I would sell my soul
Just so you could no longer
Hold it in your grasp
Just so I could be released from you.
You have done more than capture my soul,
You have completely taken it over.
I am wielded to do your every desires
But it is not by force, but by love
This effortless stream of love
The type of love that comes like breathing
While others second guess it,
I think nothing of it.
But this is because you have me completely
Body, mind, and soul.
So taboo, yet so right.
My sweet soul snatcher,
You have me in your grasps.
The power of our worlds never seem to end.
It’s like our energies seek one another, no matter what realm we are in.
You find me
And I find you.
Our bodies seem to gravitate closer and closer.
A rush of electrons flow through my body.
This connection…so rare…so wrong.
Praying for some type of release, but what do you do when he has a hold of something so precious?
Something not so easily given?
I’ll just lay here in the moonlight
As your spirit calls out to mines.
A quick blush runs over me.
This is more than love.
Soul…mates…

Broken Heart, Unstable Mind

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They ask what’s wrong and I laugh it off.
Come up with lies about stress, work, kids.
But the truth is I only have two problems…a broken heart and an unstable mind.
This broken feeling comes and goes.
One minute I’m fine,
flirting with the beautiful man in line.
But then the next,
I’m in tears
Staring at the ceiling.
The empty dark space begins to fill my entirety.
I am paralyzed at the thought.
Another broken heart.
I’ve only had one other in all my life.
The recovery for that took years upon years.
Hence my sadness.
Hence my pain.
Knowing I have to undo feelings and moments.
Having to undo passionate memories.
Act as if you meant nothing…still mean nothing.
That’s where the instability kicks in.
I hate you.
I love you.
I miss you.
Fuck you.
I need you.
I want to kill you.
And let me be quite clear, killing seems so bliss.
The thought of jamming a knife straight through your back…
Karma engulfing me as her bitch.
Seeing the blood ooze out, like these tears I cry.
Hearing you writhe in pain as I do some nights.
Seeing you take your last breath,
leaving you breathless as you used to leave me.
Standing over you, overpowering you,
controlling you for once in my life.
But then I take a moment.
Realizing it is not worth my time.
I become angry with myself for allowing you to constantly consume my mind.
Shit,
I’m pissed right now for allowing my pen to give you life.
They say if you are loved by a writer,
you live forever.
Your legacy being inked through my trails of therapy.
It’s like you still have the control.
I can’t heal if I don’t write.
I can’t write if I am healed.
So once again you still give me life.
You still give me moments.
You still give me peace
and joy
and laughter.
Still this lifetime of a broken heart and an unstable mind.

To My Future Husband

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To My Future Husband

I often wonder what you are up to.
If you are chillin, sitting back watching the latest game.
Are you laid out with some chick riding you, screaming your name?
Did you finally get that place you keep going to see?
Or are you tired of waiting on little ole me?
Waiting on me…our paths to align.
Waiting quietly for pain to heal in time.
Do you still believe in my existence or are you feeling like you missed it?
Missed out on your opportunity for true love.
Do you feel like you’ve missed out on what everyone else has?
Because your future wife is still here stuck in the past.
Stuck in turmoil, trying to erase old hurt.
Working to find again her happiness and her own self worth.
Because of this path that she of course must take.
Does it hinder your belief in having such a fate?
Do you believe she’s still out there?
Waiting for you?
Or do you keep fucking random women just because they’ll do?
Future husband, please don’t give up on me.
That beautiful future can be ours you see.
But for now, this path…right here is clear.
A path to find my own beauty and truth.
The path that is preparing me for you.
I apologize if I take a few wrong turns…
Leaving you in the dark to yearn.
Yearn for your beautiful black queen that God has promised you.
Yearn for those amazing children to pass your heritage to.
Yearn for the deepest connection you’ve ever felt.
Yearn for her soft kisses that instantly make you melt.
I know how hard this must be for you.
Trust me it’s not something I want to do.
But this path…this long, stressful, tedious, lonely path is my only way to you.
It’s the only way I can become the wife that God has ordained me to.
So my husband, please stay with me and stay strong.
I’ve just turned on this road and I pray it shall not be long.