Honesty

One thing that I’ve been doing during this quarantine is therapatizing myself. Is therapatizing a word? No…but ima use it lol. Among the many things, I’ve been trying to change my negativity towards relationships. I’m finding myself becoming colder and harder with this subject. I instantly reject any notion that a healthy relationship is in my future. It’s impossible…………………………….right?

Yes, I know what I deserve. I know I’m amazing and blah blah blah…but is it actually possible? My dating life is not even a thing. Completely non-existent. I will say I have at least put a little effort into it. This is how it normally goes:

“Wow…you’re beautiful. I would love to get to know more about you. Tell me something.”

“Aww thanks. Well, I like to write, I own my own natural product company, I love to cook.”

“That’s dope. Do you have any kids?”

“Yes. 3.”

*tumbleweeds*

Now, I normally don’t get upset when I don’t get a response because I get it. Three kids is a lot. Trust…I know. But damn! Can a sista get a “lol” or something before getting completely ghosted? After this happens a good 7 times, I normally say screw it and delete whatever dating app I’ve been perusing at the time.

If that isn’t the gist of the conversation, the others normally go somewhere straight sexual on their end or they are looking for someone to cheat on their wives with 🙄. With these type of results constantly happening, one would have to be insane to think anything different will ever happen.

That’s where I am with the whole thing. I’ve automatically written anyone off because it’s easier to not get hurt that way. Can’t get hurt if I already assume you’re a cheater and a liar….right?

But who wants to think like that? It’s draining and annoying asf. There has to be some sort of balance between being positive and not being stupid. But how do you get to that place? Mentally, all I know is bullshit. I’ve never been in any healthy relationships. I read certain posts on social media and find myself stumped on how actual healthy relationships exist. Even from the smallest things like a man just randomly hugging and kissing on you because he is that infatuated with you. WHAT IS THAT?!? I’ve never had it. Moments like that hit me and make me sit back and truly be honest with myself. I’ve never been in an equally yoked relationship. I know what love is simply because I have loved before. But never the other way around. If I was ever loved by someone, it was out of convenience for themselves. It was never something that was natural. It came with stipulations, drama, anger, regrets, and fear. Love…genuine love was nowhere around.

And then it hit me again. When is the last time I ever experienced true intimacy? Not something I fabricated in my head, but something real. Not something that was forced to produce forgiveness. When was the last time I had been taken care of? Been thought of? Been held? Kissed? Appreciated?

The lack of these things are the reason why I’m so quick to reject the idea of love…but is that a fair assessment? I can’t really hate on something I’ve never fully experienced. Today’s male population does not make it any easier, but my unhealthy attitude towards love doesn’t help either. I am a firm believer in you attract what you put out. I don’t purposely put out negative vibes, but it seeps through my pores so it’s inevitable that it will come out in some ways.

My biggest thing now is just trying to be fully honest with myself more and more so I can try to heal properly. No, I will not be all positive and lovey dovey the next time I speak to a guy…but I will stop automatically assuming the worst. I will trust myself in knowing that I am smarter than I was and I won’t fall for the same bs. I will trust myself to never be in those situations again. This is the lesson I need to learn!

At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my thoughts, and my intentions. Will I get hurt again? Will I find the love of my life? Who knows…but I owe it to myself to at least try vs. complaining and accepting a fate that is not even mine. If nothing else, a good story can always come out of it. 💙

Representation of Black Love

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When it comes to Black love, I feel like this is the most misrepresentation in the media. When you turn on the television or the radio, you are more likely to see or hear about a Black man having a side chick or a Black woman being cheated on. You rarely see or hear about longevity in marriage or someone appreciating and loving their mate. It’s always the negative that is glorified. I have seen women discuss the norm of being a side chick and this is not okay. Do we really want our younger generation thinking that it is okay to settle for less? That it is not okay to be in a monogamous relationship? That the only thing that comes with Black love is endless fights, cheating, and baby mama/baby daddy drama? Why is this such a normal thing and where are the real relationships in the media?

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As  I stated before, I have yet to actually turn on the television and see a positive representation of Black love (besides Blackish). Sit back and think to yourself. The only time you see this is either a Black man or Black woman is in love with a person of a different race or the same sex. If you do see a Black couple together, they are bogged down with nothing but lies and cheating scandals. Where are the Huxtables? Where are the Banks? Where are Martin and Gina? I remember watching, “Martin,” and absolutely loving and envying their relationship together. I wanted what they had. Because of the positive representation of Black love that I grew up with, in the media, I am still able to hold on to the possibility that real love exists because it was all I saw. But think about the generation that is being brought up now. What images do they have to look up to? You have a plethora of reality shows that feature mainly Blacks, but when it comes to the relationship aspect, there is rarely anything positive. You have grown…GROWN…women fighting over men who really could care less about them and this is looked at as what you are suppose to do. You have women who are doing ridiculous things and are letting men get away with cheating and having babies on the side because they supposedly “love” them and they are “ride or die”. This is what Black love is turning into and it is absolutely ridiculous! It needs to be brought to a stop before it truly gets even more out of hand. The more that this type of representation is put out in the media for our people to see, the more it starts to set in that this is actually normal. Many people go by what they see and if all you see is this, then how will you know to do differently? If you don’t believe that marriage actually works and don’t see the real positive effects of it on a daily basis, why would you aspire to it?

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When Solange and Alan Ferguson showed off their wedding photos, the internet was set on fire. There has never been such a positive image of Black love, recently, than these pictures. They show that real love is true and possible. It is a breath of fresh air in the wave of “break babies” and side chicks. To see such a beautiful experience, coming from two people of color, gave me such joy and hope that people would start to look at Black love differently. We don’t have to settle for less like they portray in the media. We don’t have to date other races to be truly treated the way that we should. Love exists in every single person. The problem is our love is being represented in the wrong way and people are starting to adapt to these behaviors. My generation is still able to remember the great Black families that were seen every day on television. The younger generation does not have that. It is up to us to bring these images back to our community. To show them the power and beauty that is in Black love. It is not always hurt and pain. Our love, Black love, is an amazing and wonderful thing when done properly. We can become so much more as a collective whole if we began to bring this type of love to the light.

Photos Courtesy: http://www.ladylindablack.blogspot.com, www.lipstickalley.com, www.usmagazine.com, http://www.thewritertj.com

My Version of Real Love

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When I first saw this drawing, I immediately fell in love with it. To some it may look like a simple drawing of a young couple kissing, but for me I saw more. I basically saw what I want in a relationship. Sometimes I can read things for more than what they are, but hey that’s the reason for me being a writer, right? Anyways, I wanted to try to turn this into a blog post instead of a story. Yes, I have already came up with their entire life story lol.

First thing first, I say that this drawing is what I want in a relationship because basically the type of man that is represented is exactly the type of man that I want. You have to look at the details. The way that he is kind of overpowering her is the thing that attracted me the most to this drawing. To me it is saying that he is protective over her. He will always be there to have her back and to be there whenever she needs it. This is the one thing all women need in a man. You want someone who you can walk down the street with and not have to worry about being disrespected or tried by anyone else because they see the presence of your man. Example, in that horrible Tyler Perry movie, yeah I know which one right?, but Temptation. When Jurnee was walking down the street and the guy called her a bitch, and Lance just told her to get in the car…no woman wants that. We want a man that we know can protect us and will do anything in their power to uphold our respect and dignity. No, I don’t want someone who is running around cursing everyone out for looking at me wrong, but basically he needs to just have that presence. He isn’t outlandish with it. It is just recognized and understood by everyone he comes into contact with.

Second, his attire. I love a man that is a jack of all trades. He can go from the corporate world to playing ball with the fellas to attending a jazz festival at night and not break a sweat. It is something that is innate. I hate the guys who try to hard. This is the ultimate turn off. I want someone who I know I can go to all these different events with and never have to worry once about what is going to happen. Corporate thug, nice guy with a bad boy edge, however you want to explain it, it’s what I want.

Third, her posture. It’s like she is just where she is suppose to be. This is the most important thing to me in a relationship. I don’t want to feel like being with someone is a challenge or is work. It should just flow and be natural. There should be no games that are played. No talks with friends about how do I keep him home at night. Real love doesn’t work like that. I don’t care what people try to make you believe, it doesn’t. Real love takes no energy. Yes, you will have fights, but if you are not right there in that position with that person, it just doesn’t feel right. In this drawing, she is not overly emotional or all over him. She is simply kissing her man because she knows that he is hers. This is me to a T. I am not for all the extra that comes with some relationships. I don’t need to yell from the rooftop that someone is my man nor do I need him to do it. It will be shown in other ways. Most women do all that extra stuff out of low self esteem and fear. Fear that another woman is gonna take their man. But if he is really yours, he’s not going anywhere. And all that shouting from the hill that he loves you is unreal to me. There is a difference between him loving you and “acting” like he loves you.

The last thing is actually small. The couple in the drawing are not married. I know most are like why would that be something you want in a relationship? Let me explain. Of course I want the marriage. I have had it planned since I was about 10. But reality is I know my flaws and I honestly don’t know if I want to be married anytime soon. It could be because I haven’t been exposed to real love in about 10 years or because I have seen no marriages that are encouraging. But for right now, I am not interested. But the thing I like in the drawing is that they are that happy and there is no ring. Most people focus too much on the ring. They don’t think about the actual relationship. They don’t think about solidifying the relationship first and then think about the marriage. It’s always the other way around.

This drawing definitely set in my mind exactly what I am looking for and what I want in a relationship. Sometimes it is easier to say it then to actually find it, but at least if you know what it is, you will notice it when you encounter it. That’s another problem with a lot of people. They don’t know what they want. You wait until someone comes along and just roll with the punches. I’ve grown from that type of person and will never go back to her. If that means I will have to continue to wait then so be it. I will wait until I am that girl in this drawing. In love and secure and simply happy.

Drawing by Manasseh Johnson