Somehow this year, I’ve allowed myself to become more depressed than I’d like to admit. I’m used to dealing with my depression in various ways. I shut down, I cry, I throw myself into a project, I smoke, I drink, sometimes I’ll write, listen to music, watch a few episodes of Drag Race and be okay. But lately…I’ll do all these things and the end result is still sadness. Well sadness isn’t really the word. It’s more emptiness and anger, which I’ll break down.
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Worth It or Nah?
So there was a clip floating around on Twitter where a woman said that she could be dying on the side of the road and she would still not ask her child’s father for help. The men in the clip thought she was outrageous and couldn’t believe she was saying this. But after thinking about it…I understood completely where she was coming from.
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“Wrong Side of A Love Song”
Walking into this room, my body begins to shake. I whisper to myself, “You can do this.” The room is cold and damp. I walk over to the window that was left open. A cool breeze flows through. I inhale deeply. My hands tremble as I close the window shut. I glance over to my left. The bedroom. The door is halfway open. I begin to walk towards it.
Continue readingWhy I Finally Deleted Facebook
Let me start with saying, for business reasons I haven’t completely deactivated my Facebook account. But the app is deleted from my phone. Now, I have done this a few times before but I always find myself downloading the app back within a few days or even hours. What is different this time?
Continue readingHonesty
One thing that I’ve been doing during this quarantine is therapatizing myself. Is therapatizing a word? No…but ima use it lol. Among the many things, I’ve been trying to change my negativity towards relationships. I’m finding myself becoming colder and harder with this subject. I instantly reject any notion that a healthy relationship is in my future. It’s impossible…………………………….right?
Yes, I know what I deserve. I know I’m amazing and blah blah blah…but is it actually possible? My dating life is not even a thing. Completely non-existent. I will say I have at least put a little effort into it. This is how it normally goes:
“Wow…you’re beautiful. I would love to get to know more about you. Tell me something.”
“Aww thanks. Well, I like to write, I own my own natural product company, I love to cook.”
“That’s dope. Do you have any kids?”
“Yes. 3.”
*tumbleweeds*
Now, I normally don’t get upset when I don’t get a response because I get it. Three kids is a lot. Trust…I know. But damn! Can a sista get a “lol” or something before getting completely ghosted? After this happens a good 7 times, I normally say screw it and delete whatever dating app I’ve been perusing at the time.
If that isn’t the gist of the conversation, the others normally go somewhere straight sexual on their end or they are looking for someone to cheat on their wives with 🙄. With these type of results constantly happening, one would have to be insane to think anything different will ever happen.
That’s where I am with the whole thing. I’ve automatically written anyone off because it’s easier to not get hurt that way. Can’t get hurt if I already assume you’re a cheater and a liar….right?
But who wants to think like that? It’s draining and annoying asf. There has to be some sort of balance between being positive and not being stupid. But how do you get to that place? Mentally, all I know is bullshit. I’ve never been in any healthy relationships. I read certain posts on social media and find myself stumped on how actual healthy relationships exist. Even from the smallest things like a man just randomly hugging and kissing on you because he is that infatuated with you. WHAT IS THAT?!? I’ve never had it. Moments like that hit me and make me sit back and truly be honest with myself. I’ve never been in an equally yoked relationship. I know what love is simply because I have loved before. But never the other way around. If I was ever loved by someone, it was out of convenience for themselves. It was never something that was natural. It came with stipulations, drama, anger, regrets, and fear. Love…genuine love was nowhere around.
And then it hit me again. When is the last time I ever experienced true intimacy? Not something I fabricated in my head, but something real. Not something that was forced to produce forgiveness. When was the last time I had been taken care of? Been thought of? Been held? Kissed? Appreciated?
The lack of these things are the reason why I’m so quick to reject the idea of love…but is that a fair assessment? I can’t really hate on something I’ve never fully experienced. Today’s male population does not make it any easier, but my unhealthy attitude towards love doesn’t help either. I am a firm believer in you attract what you put out. I don’t purposely put out negative vibes, but it seeps through my pores so it’s inevitable that it will come out in some ways.
My biggest thing now is just trying to be fully honest with myself more and more so I can try to heal properly. No, I will not be all positive and lovey dovey the next time I speak to a guy…but I will stop automatically assuming the worst. I will trust myself in knowing that I am smarter than I was and I won’t fall for the same bs. I will trust myself to never be in those situations again. This is the lesson I need to learn!
At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my thoughts, and my intentions. Will I get hurt again? Will I find the love of my life? Who knows…but I owe it to myself to at least try vs. complaining and accepting a fate that is not even mine. If nothing else, a good story can always come out of it. 💙
Depressed On The 1st
Today I woke up depressed…but isn’t it the New Year? Wasn’t some magical time bomb suppose to go off that instantly made 2019 my best year? Didn’t all that emotional shit get left behind at the stroke of midnight? Clearly, it did not.
Let me clarify this depression. While it isn’t the normal depression that I’m used to dealing with throughout my whole life…it still is a form that I’ve began to recognize. For the past month, I’ve been anxiously awaiting the arrival of my daughter. Is she overdue? Technically no…but when you’ve been in constant pain and the doctor mentions that you’re measuring further along and she is already very big…you get excited at the thought that she’s gonna be here sooner than you think. So I automatically go into preparation mode. I had to get everything ready for her imminent arrival. I had meal prep ideas, cleaned out my closet, everything was organized, I closed my business. I WAS READY!!! A whole ass month later…no baby. 🙄
This is when I began to notice the small signs of depression that many people ignore. I became a robot. I was literally doing the same thing every single day. Wake up, drop the boys off at school, go to work, pick them up from school, go back to work, come home, cook, watch Bobs Burgers, and go to sleep by 9. This was my routine. When the weekend came…I was lost. I didn’t know what to do nor did I want to do anything. I would literally just lay on the couch and see how much pain I could withstand before it was time for bed. For me, the pain meant she was still possibly coming. (Clear negative)
The week before Christmas, I magically could feel no pain. I was able to walk again. Finally!! She was coming. I Googled a bunch of herbs and foods to see how we could speed this along and went for it. It felt like it was working…she was going to be here soon…I COULD FEEL IT! I went to the doctor, knowing they were gonna tell me I was at least dilated. But again…more unanswered questions and just the same ole “lets see what the specialist says next week.” MORE WAITING!
For a person with anxiety, waiting is the worst thing that could ever be told to them. You literally want me to wait three days to see IF she can be induced? Why can’t we just get this over today? What am I suppose to do with my life until then?? So, I went home and did nothing. I slept. I didn’t engage with anyone. My mind didn’t think about anything but when will she come? I would wake up in the middle of the night wondering if my water broke, how would I react? This was consuming me.
The final straw was New Year’s Eve. I was prepared to sleep at 9 as usual. My kids were good. I put on some music to clear my head and laid down. And then my idiot neighbors commenced a 4 hour firework show in our backyard. I’ve been irritated before and normally just got over it, but this time I couldn’t. I started crying until it was somewhat over. I wondered why was I even crying over something so small and realized I just wanted to sleep and get to the next day. A day closer to her being born. I woke up the next morning, went to the bathroom, laid down figuring out how I would spend this day off and was shocked as tears rolled down my eyes. Wtf?? It’s a new year and I don’t think this is allowed. What was I crying for? I wanted my hair done but I knew I was going to be too exhausted and mentally drained to do it. I wanted to feel cute but I knew I would just end my day feeling pregnant again. Nothing was going to be accomplished today.
That’s what clicked. The only accomplishment I was focused on was delivering this baby. Nothing else mattered. For the past two months, this has been my only focus. I hadn’t been able to wrap my mind around anything else. This was a state of depression, but in a completely different form. And how was I going to combat it? I mean, I can’t just make her come out. It is a horrible waiting game so where do I go from here? Normally I would drink, smoke and start with a clear head. But that can’t be done. I could get out the house but the issue would still be looming and waiting for me when I walked back in the door.
So, the only thing I could think of was to write. 🤷🏾♀️ It’s always been my go to. Even if what I’m writing makes no sense. I’m getting the thoughts out of my head for the moment. It’s the one release that always works for me. I’m sure many will read this and not understand a thing I’m going through…and that’s fine. I never write for anyone but me. It is my therapy that I just happen to share with the world. That is the one thing I know will never change in this new year. Depression and anxiety will always be a part of me. No matter what. The biggest takeaway is that I recognize it and learn how to curb it so it is manageable. It never goes away. But it doesn’t have to be life consuming either.
And even if I’m pregnant for the rest of my life, medically impossible but mentally I feel it can happen 😂, I will have to just chalk it up. I can’t control everything. The anxiety will have to just deal. She’s in control and not me. C’est la vie. ❤️
S/N: STOP ASKING PREGNANT WOMEN IF THEY ARE STILL PREGNANT! Also…what kind of magical potion are these celebs taking because everyone has had their baby, but me 😩😂. ✌🏾
RuPaul’s Dragrace Season 9 Presents Snatch Game: The Watered Down Version
Okay, so we all know that season 9 has been full of let downs, horrible edits, and lackluster lip syncs. But this week was finally the week we all have been waiting for. SNATCH GAME!!! Now, if you are unfamiliar, snatch game is where the queens dress up like famous celebs and impersonate them. It is honestly my favorite episode of every season…except this one. For some reason, it just didn’t have that spark that it normally does. It didn’t seem like everyone had much camera time and I barely knew who a few of the girls were.
Here are a few pics from the game:
Now, here is the quick rundown of the ladies and my thoughts:
Trinity–(Amanda Lepore) Breast plate
Sasha–(Marlene Dietrich) Weird, but I’m here for it
Aja–(Alyssa Edwards) not funny…facial expressions
Nina–(Jasmine Masters) Perfect makeup and attitude
Alexis–(Liza Minnelli) hilarious
Peppermint–(Nene Leakes) horrible! Talking too much and stumbling
Valentina–(Miss Colombia) surprisingly funny
Shea Coulee–(Naomi Campbell) glamorous
Cynthia Lee–(Sofia Vergara) all over the place
Farrah–(Gigi Gorgeous) blah
Nina Bo’Nina Angry Black Woman Brown definitely kicked it up a notch with her impersonation of Jasmine Masters. Her voice was perfect, attitude and look was down pact. I think even Jasmine would be able to say at least one thing good about this performance. Shea Coulee’s makeup was flawless and she was an exceptional Naomi. Not overly funny, but just the right timing. Valentina was my underdog for this show because I was a little worried about her making Miss Colombia actually funny. But she did it in a way that was not too dramatic but, definitely kept me laughing. Alexis was great as Liza…but unfortunately, she looked too much like Roxxxy Andrews for me to fully concentrate.
Now for the negative. I didn’t get Aja and her take on Alyssa Edwards. She was too focused on weird facial expressions and didn’t make a connection to the character. I have no idea who Sasha was playing, but she was dark, but tolerable. Farrah was boring and Cynthia was basically herself…which was horrible and awkward. Trinity was someone who I didn’t know. She had a few jokes, but I hated that I could see her breast plate! Come on queen. Those are basic no-nos. And Peppermint…lord. No explanation…just gifs.
The runway was dedicated to Madonna and the looks were incredible. AND IT WAS FINALLY A FULL RUNWAY!! Best look for me, hands down, was Sasha. Valentina’s look was bold (where the hell did she tuck that??), but simple.
There was a double “Bitch Stole My Look” moment between Trinity and Nina and Peppermint and Shea. You be the judge, but Trinity and Shea won for me.
In the bottom two, Cynthia and Peppermint went head to head and Peppermint turnt it out!!! She made me a huge fan just off of that performance. Just please! NO MOE PINK!!
Now, when it comes to this season’s snatch game, I don’t think it was that much time placed on it. There was no real workroom interaction between the girls, the camera time was limited, and I think there were only three questions asked. There was more time focused on “Therapy Makeup Moment” when Peppermint came out as a trans woman. I just want more focus on the actual drag and not everything else, but it seems like we are getting closer. My top three are still Nina, Shea, and Sasha and I am so ready for Aja, Trinity, and Farrah to go home. Who were some of your faves and why?
Couples Dating and Living Together…yay or nay?
Shacking up. The legendary term coined by black grandmothers describing unwed couples who lived together. This was something that was looked down on and at one point, never happened. But this day, more than half of couples live together before entertaining the thought of marriage. Why was this such a taboo thing to do back then and why has it become the norm now?
For me, I believe that most older people believed in the tradition and idea of marriage. They believed in a woman being very docile and the man being very dominant, but respectful. They believed in the man and woman not kissing or having sexual interaction while dating. So if that is the case, living together is a definite no while dating. Flip it to today and it is the complete opposite. People are a lot freer with themselves and traditions have gone out the window. Most people when asked have at one point lived or had their significant other living with them.
I have dabbled with shacking with two of my boyfriends and honestly, it is something I would encourage any couple to do. But only when they have hit that serious stage. Living with your mate has a lot of benefits, such as double income, always having someone around when you need them, and getting to know that person’s quirks and learning how to adjust. A lot of problems that happen in marriage could be prevented if the couple just lived together and had the opportunity to learn how to work through it. Or leave if it’s something they can’t handle. Being married makes it a little harder to just leave, so many people stay unhappy for years.
Lately, my boyfriend and I have not been living together. It’s not by choice, but it’s been that way for about 6 months, off and on. When we first started dating, we always were in the same place, but now that I have had this break from living with him, it feels a little different. Dare I say…nice. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my man to death, but I understand why some people would prefer it. You have your own space when needed and you get the chance to miss your partner. That’s the best part. The excitement of finally being able to plan something and spend time with him. Every time, I am like a giddy teenager and it builds our bond. It brings the thrill of dating back and that is something that I am really starting to enjoy.
Now, even though I enjoy this new thrill…I still can’t wait until we are under the same roof. There are kids involved and things would just be a lot smoother. Each relationship is different, so naturally, do what works for yours. I would encourage anyone to at least try it both ways. Even if it is not a full move in…try two weeks out of the month, for a few months. See how you interact when you are in each other’s space for 24/7. You may find things that you cannot deal with or even things that you learn about yourself. Being in a relationship is all about growing and learning. Do what you have to do to get to the full potential. I mean, if you can’t stand to live with each other, how are you going to get married? Think of how relieved you would be if you lived with your boyfriend and discovered he was a neat freak or that your girlfriend was a hoarder. Wouldn’t you want the opportunity to know this and adjust before the final marriage stamp? To me, living together is like the final test before the huge final exam. If you can past that, you can get through anything. Oh…and if you’re abstaining from sex, living together can still take place. Godspeed to you though :).
I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!! What are your thoughts? Are you against shacking up? Have you ever lived with your partner? What was your experience? Would you do it again or would you wait with your next relationship?
Spice Up Your Life! My 5 Go To Spices to Make My Dishes Pop!
Growing up, I always hated eating the same things over and over again. I wondered if I would ever one day just get tired of food. Luckily, I found a cool way to keep that from happening. I began to make it a weekly habit to go to the Farmers Market and make sure I purchased at least one or two new herbs or spices that I had never used or heard of. This helped to keep up my creativity while cooking, while also educating myself on different ways to flavor my dishes. Continue reading
The Kardashian Musical aka Busted
http://pigstroy.com/rupauls-drag-race-season-9-episode-4-preview-not-on-today_7c3de59ef.html
Okay, now I have given you guys a few days to watch the show and I am ready to recap. I’m lying…I was laid up with bae all weekend so I had to wait until Tuesday to publish lol. Continue reading
I am Jeanine Nicole 