Tag: commitment

Honesty

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One thing that I’ve been doing during this quarantine is therapatizing myself. Is therapatizing a word? No…but ima use it lol. Among the many things, I’ve been trying to change my negativity towards relationships. I’m finding myself becoming colder and harder with this subject. I instantly reject any notion that a healthy relationship is in my future. It’s impossible…………………………….right?

Yes, I know what I deserve. I know I’m amazing and blah blah blah…but is it actually possible? My dating life is not even a thing. Completely non-existent. I will say I have at least put a little effort into it. This is how it normally goes:

“Wow…you’re beautiful. I would love to get to know more about you. Tell me something.”

“Aww thanks. Well, I like to write, I own my own natural product company, I love to cook.”

“That’s dope. Do you have any kids?”

“Yes. 3.”

*tumbleweeds*

Now, I normally don’t get upset when I don’t get a response because I get it. Three kids is a lot. Trust…I know. But damn! Can a sista get a “lol” or something before getting completely ghosted? After this happens a good 7 times, I normally say screw it and delete whatever dating app I’ve been perusing at the time.

If that isn’t the gist of the conversation, the others normally go somewhere straight sexual on their end or they are looking for someone to cheat on their wives with 🙄. With these type of results constantly happening, one would have to be insane to think anything different will ever happen.

That’s where I am with the whole thing. I’ve automatically written anyone off because it’s easier to not get hurt that way. Can’t get hurt if I already assume you’re a cheater and a liar….right?

But who wants to think like that? It’s draining and annoying asf. There has to be some sort of balance between being positive and not being stupid. But how do you get to that place? Mentally, all I know is bullshit. I’ve never been in any healthy relationships. I read certain posts on social media and find myself stumped on how actual healthy relationships exist. Even from the smallest things like a man just randomly hugging and kissing on you because he is that infatuated with you. WHAT IS THAT?!? I’ve never had it. Moments like that hit me and make me sit back and truly be honest with myself. I’ve never been in an equally yoked relationship. I know what love is simply because I have loved before. But never the other way around. If I was ever loved by someone, it was out of convenience for themselves. It was never something that was natural. It came with stipulations, drama, anger, regrets, and fear. Love…genuine love was nowhere around.

And then it hit me again. When is the last time I ever experienced true intimacy? Not something I fabricated in my head, but something real. Not something that was forced to produce forgiveness. When was the last time I had been taken care of? Been thought of? Been held? Kissed? Appreciated?

The lack of these things are the reason why I’m so quick to reject the idea of love…but is that a fair assessment? I can’t really hate on something I’ve never fully experienced. Today’s male population does not make it any easier, but my unhealthy attitude towards love doesn’t help either. I am a firm believer in you attract what you put out. I don’t purposely put out negative vibes, but it seeps through my pores so it’s inevitable that it will come out in some ways.

My biggest thing now is just trying to be fully honest with myself more and more so I can try to heal properly. No, I will not be all positive and lovey dovey the next time I speak to a guy…but I will stop automatically assuming the worst. I will trust myself in knowing that I am smarter than I was and I won’t fall for the same bs. I will trust myself to never be in those situations again. This is the lesson I need to learn!

At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my thoughts, and my intentions. Will I get hurt again? Will I find the love of my life? Who knows…but I owe it to myself to at least try vs. complaining and accepting a fate that is not even mine. If nothing else, a good story can always come out of it. 💙

Representation of Black Love

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When it comes to Black love, I feel like this is the most misrepresentation in the media. When you turn on the television or the radio, you are more likely to see or hear about a Black man having a side chick or a Black woman being cheated on. You rarely see or hear about longevity in marriage or someone appreciating and loving their mate. It’s always the negative that is glorified. I have seen women discuss the norm of being a side chick and this is not okay. Do we really want our younger generation thinking that it is okay to settle for less? That it is not okay to be in a monogamous relationship? That the only thing that comes with Black love is endless fights, cheating, and baby mama/baby daddy drama? Why is this such a normal thing and where are the real relationships in the media?

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As  I stated before, I have yet to actually turn on the television and see a positive representation of Black love (besides Blackish). Sit back and think to yourself. The only time you see this is either a Black man or Black woman is in love with a person of a different race or the same sex. If you do see a Black couple together, they are bogged down with nothing but lies and cheating scandals. Where are the Huxtables? Where are the Banks? Where are Martin and Gina? I remember watching, “Martin,” and absolutely loving and envying their relationship together. I wanted what they had. Because of the positive representation of Black love that I grew up with, in the media, I am still able to hold on to the possibility that real love exists because it was all I saw. But think about the generation that is being brought up now. What images do they have to look up to? You have a plethora of reality shows that feature mainly Blacks, but when it comes to the relationship aspect, there is rarely anything positive. You have grown…GROWN…women fighting over men who really could care less about them and this is looked at as what you are suppose to do. You have women who are doing ridiculous things and are letting men get away with cheating and having babies on the side because they supposedly “love” them and they are “ride or die”. This is what Black love is turning into and it is absolutely ridiculous! It needs to be brought to a stop before it truly gets even more out of hand. The more that this type of representation is put out in the media for our people to see, the more it starts to set in that this is actually normal. Many people go by what they see and if all you see is this, then how will you know to do differently? If you don’t believe that marriage actually works and don’t see the real positive effects of it on a daily basis, why would you aspire to it?

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When Solange and Alan Ferguson showed off their wedding photos, the internet was set on fire. There has never been such a positive image of Black love, recently, than these pictures. They show that real love is true and possible. It is a breath of fresh air in the wave of “break babies” and side chicks. To see such a beautiful experience, coming from two people of color, gave me such joy and hope that people would start to look at Black love differently. We don’t have to settle for less like they portray in the media. We don’t have to date other races to be truly treated the way that we should. Love exists in every single person. The problem is our love is being represented in the wrong way and people are starting to adapt to these behaviors. My generation is still able to remember the great Black families that were seen every day on television. The younger generation does not have that. It is up to us to bring these images back to our community. To show them the power and beauty that is in Black love. It is not always hurt and pain. Our love, Black love, is an amazing and wonderful thing when done properly. We can become so much more as a collective whole if we began to bring this type of love to the light.

Photos Courtesy: http://www.ladylindablack.blogspot.com, www.lipstickalley.com, www.usmagazine.com, http://www.thewritertj.com

Reasons Why I May Be A Bad Girlfriend

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So, I’ve been in a relationship for a few months now…yeah I know what you are saying. What? Relationship? But you hate love and all that jazz…we will discuss that on another post lol. But since I have been in this relationship I have realized something…I may be a bad girlfriend. Now, don’t get me wrong I’m an amazing person, once you get to know me, but the actual levels that you have to reach in a relationship just seem to be insurmountable. I will give you all a few examples and then you guys be the judge. Hopefully I won’t be single after this post. 🙂

1. Stuck on independent mode

Now, I had my oldest son when I was 20 and I have been on my own ever since. Even when I had my last relationship, I still was on my own in a sense. I have been figuring out how to pay the bills, make my dollars stretch, clean/cook/type/ (all at once) successfully in an hour…I have basically done it all by myself and mastered it. The problem with this is now I actually have someone who can help me with my load but my independent self won’t allow it. I will literally argue with them about how I can do it by myself or catch an attitude if they suggest otherwise. I am the woman who will have a child on one arm and a million grocery bags on the other and dare you to try to help me close the car door. I got this! But that’s not what a relationship is about. It is about helping each other out and willingly doing so. Not forcing someone to allow you to help them. My inability to switch from independent mode causes other issues as far as being able to actually trust someone with anything. To actually be able to say to him, “Yes, I need help with the kids” or “Yes, I would love for you to give me your suggestions on a post I need to write” and truly be comfortable with doing this is something I long for. I don’t want to be that independent girl when I clearly don’t need to be. This does not mean I want to rely on him for everything because, eww, no, but I do need to be able to show him that I trust him enough to let my guard down and that I actually want him.

2. Compromise

This ties into me being stuck in that independent mode. Compromise is one of those things I don’t do. I never saw the need for it because, once again, I’ve always been by myself. Kinda hard to compromise with yourself. But now that I am in a relationship, I see how important compromising is. My biggest issue with compromise is that I am used to seeing it done the wrong way. Most settle and that is a difference from compromising. I’ve had to come to that realization. Compromising does not mean you are giving up something and you are someone who is just ran over. When you compromise with someone, you are showing them that they are important enough to you for you to take their feelings and thoughts into consideration. You cannot be selfish in a relationship. Now, I don’t believe in compromising everything you believe in for the sake of keeping someone around because honestly, that person should not put you in that sort of predicament. Your partner should ask you to compromise with something that is reasonable and they know is not a stretch for you. You can’t come and ask me to compromise and give up weave when you know how I get down lol. But asking to compromise when it comes to where you live or how you will raise your children is something that has to be done when it comes to relationships. Remember, you are not the same person. They are coming with their own feelings and ideals and if you feel that they are important enough, then compromise should come naturally.

3. I’m not always right

This is a hard one too. You see, I’m the type that likes to be right about any and everything. I don’t do it in that annoying way where you are ready to fight that person. I actually didn’t realize I did this until I entered this relationship. My ways and views are mines, but they are not always correct. Allowing someone to have different ways of thinking than me and opening my eyes to new ways is not a bad thing. It is a part of the dating experience. Being able to say, “You’re right and I’m wrong,” is one of those things I don’t do. I will make up excuses after excuses until that person sees it my way. This. Does. Not. Work. In. A. Relationship! No one is always right, so I’m not sure why I feel like I am or have to be. I’m sure it’s some underlying reason that stems from my childhood, but for now we won’t go there. I know it’s wrong and fixing it is a must.

4. Attitude Adjustment

This is the last one and this is a huge one. This is the one that will have me back to my “I hate love” posts if I don’t correct it. My attitude can be the worst in the world and it can happen in the blink of an eye. (Blame the Gemini in me) I can be just fine and someone will come in a room, say the wrong word about the wrong subject, and I’m yelling and cussing at him and he’s looking at me like I’m crazy. This is the ultimate no. A real man is not going to sit there and take this type of abuse just because I’m upset with someone else. I mean, I wouldn’t even take it. This is one that I am not sure how to fix because it is an integral part of me. I’m sarcastic and nonchalant. I have mood swings, more like mood rollercoasters, and they can be triggered by any thing. I used to struggle with it at a younger age, but I am able to deal with it accordingly. But when I say I am able to deal with it, that is me dealing with it on my own. I’ve never had to deal with it in a relationship. I’ve never had to sit around with someone while I am having a depression episode and try to explain that I’m on the verge of tears simply because I have to get ready to go to back to work. Or explain to them that I am only raising my voice because that’s what happens when I am mad but I’m not actually arguing with them? How do I adjust that? How do I get out of that overly serious mood and get back to just sitting back and laughing about nonsense? My only answer, for now, has been constant communication. When I feel like I have said something out of the way, I immediately try to explain the situation. But I feel like that will soon grow tiresome and I will be back to boring Saturday evenings. 😦

So, those are my reasons as to why I could be a bad girlfriend. But the fact that I recognize these issues and am actively trying to fix them is reason why I AM NOT a bad girlfriend. See, most people would see these issues and shrug them off and that’s how the relationship becomes bad. Luckily, this is someone I actually care about and am willing to make these changes. You guys know me. I don’t change for anyone, but I guess this is different. I’ve always heard that when you are in a relationship, your mate should make you want to be a better person. It should not be a big fuss or something that they force you to do, but something that you come into on your own. You should find yourself wanting to do more in life so that you can provide more to the relationship. I never understood this until now. Ladies and even you few men out there that’s reading this, if you see signs that are leading you to the “bad mate” section, quickly regroup and come up with a game plan to get yourself back on track. Especially if you feel like they are worth it. A relationship is as amazing as you want to make it, but you have to do your part in making it so.

I Do…You Don’t

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Lately I’ve noticed that nearly all the people I know are either married or engaged. While I’m not here to be a hater on marriage, I will say I hate when a woman has to beg for marriage. If you’ve been with a man for over two years and the word “marriage” has never came out of his mouth, you might want to re-evaluate. Most people would say, ‘Well, just bring it up yourself,’ but why? Men aren’t as dumb as we make them out to be. They understand what marriage is and know what that means to a woman and a relationship. They don’t bring it up because they don’t want to do it. Now, like most women you’ve already brought up the idea of marriage and instead of hearing, “Sure, why not?,” you hear, “Why?” If a guy says “why” to your marriage questioning, then he definitely is not interested. I’ve been there. I made excuses for why I didn’t want to get married at the time when really I just didn’t want to be with that person forever. The main excuses are “why do you want to put a title on this?”, “what’s wrong with what we are doing now?”, and “It’s like we are already married, so what’s the point?”. Now, my “male” side of thinking is agreeing with these excuses, but at the same time if you are with someone for 5 or 10 years, why aren’t you married? Both of y’all are obviously not going anywhere so what’s the big deal? Most men feel like marriage is a big commitment, but really if you are already with someone for over 2 years, you are already in a big commitment. Stop looking at titles and look at the person. If you know that you don’t want to be with anyone else, then marriage should be a natural thing.

For all those women out there constantly bringing up marriage around their man, please stop. You are not going to get him to ask you any faster, so just leave it alone. Either be happy with the relationship you have or make your move and leave. Love is love regardless if you have a ring on your finger or not.

Ride or Die

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So…if you listen to any hip hop song, the first thing you will hear, after saying how they want a thick, red bone, is that every man wants a down chick. A girl that will be there for them through everything…court hearings, multiple baby mamas, domestic violence chargers, etc. Being a ride or die chick is a quality that is valued in a relationship. For me, as a mother, I never understood how someone could be a ride or die for anyone but their kids. I’m not trying to do anything that will jeopardize them. But then when I dug deeper, I realized that it wouldn’t be that hard if it’s for that specific person. “Him” as I like to call them. If you have a “him” then it isn’t hard to be completely loyal to him. It’s something you will want to do. You want him to know that he can trust you with anything and if he needs you for whatever, then you are there.

I, personally, love the idea of a Bonnie and Clyde relationship. Now, I’m not saying we are going out robbing banks but we are a duo. Whether it’s the Bonnie and Clyde of the business world or the Bonnie and Clyde of sarcasm ;), just being part of something is the point of a relationship. If you can find that one thing that glues you together, then you are unstoppable.

Now fellas, if you want that ride or die chick, then you need to be the same for she. She shouldn’t have to ask you to have her back. It should be common knowledge. A man that sticks up for you at any given moment is exciting and makes you feel secure. So if you choose to be the ultimate, “ride or die,” for your partner make sure you do it right. It doesn’t have to be as glamorous as Hov and Bey make it seem in the video. Just simply have their back and hold them down. Trust me. It will do wonders for your relationship.