I know that this is going to be completely opposite from my normal posts because I am normally against love and really could care less about relationships, but I just realized the other day that dammit I need a man. It really just popped in my head like that. Looking around the house and I just said, “Jeanine, you need a man!” Has this happened to you? Well, if it has you are not alone and if it hasn’t, you still need to get you one. These are the top five reasons why you gotta get a man, like right now. No, seriously. Not tomorrow, but today!

1. Who are you gonna cook for?

It’s Saturday, you have conquered your trip to the Farmer’s Market (even though you had to karate chop the last ripe tomato out of an old lady’s hand), you are home slaving over a hot stove. Finally, everything is complete and you go to plate your food. But, who the hell are you cooking for? Who is gonna eat all of this food that you made because you saw Barefoot Contessa cook on Food Network and decided to be fancy and do the same? Who?? You can’t since you are on the new “Seaweed, Green Tea, Bullshit,” diet and besides, you cooked it so you want someone else to compliment and enjoy it. There is joy in feeding a man and feeding him well and meals are meant to share. Imagine sitting down at the table, full spread, alone. Nope. Get you a boo asap!

2. Tired of “nigga-rigging” everything!

Having a man around is essential when it comes to handy work. Broken shower head, curtain rod won’t stay up? Get a boo and these problems will NEVER occur. Men like to work with their hands and it makes them feel all superior when they fix something that we have no idea how to. Don’t have a boo and you will be fixing everything with nail glue and tape. Trust me.

3. Who else is gonna kill these bugs?

Okay, now this has to be the hugest reason why. I do not deal with bugs. Like, seriously. I will wake my child up in the middle of the night to kill a water bug before I go near it. Now, if I had a boo thang, this wouldn’t be a problem. All I would have to do is run out the room and he would go in there all swift and shit and take care of business. Instead, I am sitting in the hallway contemplating on moving into the boys’ room because it’s obvious that that spider is going to live in mines.

4. Somebody has to give me compliments.

So, I’ve been out shopping and I’m home trying on outfits, looking all good and sexy. Who the hell is gonna give me my compliments? Sure, I could post a picture on IG, but then I don’t wanna look like an IG whore fishing for likes. I just want to watch YouTube for hours, perfect the flexi-rods, and have a man tell me, “Babe, you look amazing.” See? That’s what having a man can do for you. Compliments at any moment.

5. It’s Cuffing Season…duh!!

Last, but not least we all know that it is that time again. The notoriously famous, “Cuffing Season.” This normally occurs from September to about April. Now, during Cuffing Season you have to find a man because let’s be honest…you are a loser if you don’t. Everyone, EVERYONE, will be boo’ed up. Everywhere you go, you will see couples. Do you want to be the only lame at the fight party without a man? Do you want to be at home arguing about sports with yourself and Twitter? NO! Get you a boo girl and fast!

Okay, of course you know this is satire. (If you don’t know what satire is, Google it and then unfollow me because we should not be friends) There is never a reason to NEED anyone. Yes, having a man would be lovely and these are a few reasons why, but I just wanted to poke fun at some people who actually take this stuff seriously. Like, they have to have a man in their life and the reasons are pretty much as stupid as these. Hope you laughed and hopefully didn’t take any of this seriously. Just a random, bored post on a Saturday night. 🙂