Walking into this room, my body begins to shake. I whisper to myself, “You can do this.” The room is cold and damp. I walk over to the window that was left open. A cool breeze flows through. I inhale deeply. My hands tremble as I close the window shut. I glance over to my left. The bedroom. The door is halfway open. I begin to walk towards it.Continue reading
One thing that I’ve been doing during this quarantine is therapatizing myself. Is therapatizing a word? No…but ima use it lol. Among the many things, I’ve been trying to change my negativity towards relationships. I’m finding myself becoming colder and harder with this subject. I instantly reject any notion that a healthy relationship is in my future. It’s impossible…………………………….right?
Yes, I know what I deserve. I know I’m amazing and blah blah blah…but is it actually possible? My dating life is not even a thing. Completely non-existent. I will say I have at least put a little effort into it. This is how it normally goes:
“Wow…you’re beautiful. I would love to get to know more about you. Tell me something.”
“Aww thanks. Well, I like to write, I own my own natural product company, I love to cook.”
“That’s dope. Do you have any kids?”
Now, I normally don’t get upset when I don’t get a response because I get it. Three kids is a lot. Trust…I know. But damn! Can a sista get a “lol” or something before getting completely ghosted? After this happens a good 7 times, I normally say screw it and delete whatever dating app I’ve been perusing at the time.
If that isn’t the gist of the conversation, the others normally go somewhere straight sexual on their end or they are looking for someone to cheat on their wives with 🙄. With these type of results constantly happening, one would have to be insane to think anything different will ever happen.
That’s where I am with the whole thing. I’ve automatically written anyone off because it’s easier to not get hurt that way. Can’t get hurt if I already assume you’re a cheater and a liar….right?
But who wants to think like that? It’s draining and annoying asf. There has to be some sort of balance between being positive and not being stupid. But how do you get to that place? Mentally, all I know is bullshit. I’ve never been in any healthy relationships. I read certain posts on social media and find myself stumped on how actual healthy relationships exist. Even from the smallest things like a man just randomly hugging and kissing on you because he is that infatuated with you. WHAT IS THAT?!? I’ve never had it. Moments like that hit me and make me sit back and truly be honest with myself. I’ve never been in an equally yoked relationship. I know what love is simply because I have loved before. But never the other way around. If I was ever loved by someone, it was out of convenience for themselves. It was never something that was natural. It came with stipulations, drama, anger, regrets, and fear. Love…genuine love was nowhere around.
And then it hit me again. When is the last time I ever experienced true intimacy? Not something I fabricated in my head, but something real. Not something that was forced to produce forgiveness. When was the last time I had been taken care of? Been thought of? Been held? Kissed? Appreciated?
The lack of these things are the reason why I’m so quick to reject the idea of love…but is that a fair assessment? I can’t really hate on something I’ve never fully experienced. Today’s male population does not make it any easier, but my unhealthy attitude towards love doesn’t help either. I am a firm believer in you attract what you put out. I don’t purposely put out negative vibes, but it seeps through my pores so it’s inevitable that it will come out in some ways.
My biggest thing now is just trying to be fully honest with myself more and more so I can try to heal properly. No, I will not be all positive and lovey dovey the next time I speak to a guy…but I will stop automatically assuming the worst. I will trust myself in knowing that I am smarter than I was and I won’t fall for the same bs. I will trust myself to never be in those situations again. This is the lesson I need to learn!
At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my thoughts, and my intentions. Will I get hurt again? Will I find the love of my life? Who knows…but I owe it to myself to at least try vs. complaining and accepting a fate that is not even mine. If nothing else, a good story can always come out of it. 💙
Shacking up. The legendary term coined by black grandmothers describing unwed couples who lived together. This was something that was looked down on and at one point, never happened. But this day, more than half of couples live together before entertaining the thought of marriage. Why was this such a taboo thing to do back then and why has it become the norm now?
For me, I believe that most older people believed in the tradition and idea of marriage. They believed in a woman being very docile and the man being very dominant, but respectful. They believed in the man and woman not kissing or having sexual interaction while dating. So if that is the case, living together is a definite no while dating. Flip it to today and it is the complete opposite. People are a lot freer with themselves and traditions have gone out the window. Most people when asked have at one point lived or had their significant other living with them.
I have dabbled with shacking with two of my boyfriends and honestly, it is something I would encourage any couple to do. But only when they have hit that serious stage. Living with your mate has a lot of benefits, such as double income, always having someone around when you need them, and getting to know that person’s quirks and learning how to adjust. A lot of problems that happen in marriage could be prevented if the couple just lived together and had the opportunity to learn how to work through it. Or leave if it’s something they can’t handle. Being married makes it a little harder to just leave, so many people stay unhappy for years.
Lately, my boyfriend and I have not been living together. It’s not by choice, but it’s been that way for about 6 months, off and on. When we first started dating, we always were in the same place, but now that I have had this break from living with him, it feels a little different. Dare I say…nice. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my man to death, but I understand why some people would prefer it. You have your own space when needed and you get the chance to miss your partner. That’s the best part. The excitement of finally being able to plan something and spend time with him. Every time, I am like a giddy teenager and it builds our bond. It brings the thrill of dating back and that is something that I am really starting to enjoy.
Now, even though I enjoy this new thrill…I still can’t wait until we are under the same roof. There are kids involved and things would just be a lot smoother. Each relationship is different, so naturally, do what works for yours. I would encourage anyone to at least try it both ways. Even if it is not a full move in…try two weeks out of the month, for a few months. See how you interact when you are in each other’s space for 24/7. You may find things that you cannot deal with or even things that you learn about yourself. Being in a relationship is all about growing and learning. Do what you have to do to get to the full potential. I mean, if you can’t stand to live with each other, how are you going to get married? Think of how relieved you would be if you lived with your boyfriend and discovered he was a neat freak or that your girlfriend was a hoarder. Wouldn’t you want the opportunity to know this and adjust before the final marriage stamp? To me, living together is like the final test before the huge final exam. If you can past that, you can get through anything. Oh…and if you’re abstaining from sex, living together can still take place. Godspeed to you though :).
I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!! What are your thoughts? Are you against shacking up? Have you ever lived with your partner? What was your experience? Would you do it again or would you wait with your next relationship?
So, I’ve been in a relationship for a few months now…yeah I know what you are saying. What? Relationship? But you hate love and all that jazz…we will discuss that on another post lol. But since I have been in this relationship I have realized something…I may be a bad girlfriend. Now, don’t get me wrong I’m an amazing person, once you get to know me, but the actual levels that you have to reach in a relationship just seem to be insurmountable. I will give you all a few examples and then you guys be the judge. Hopefully I won’t be single after this post. 🙂
1. Stuck on independent mode
Now, I had my oldest son when I was 20 and I have been on my own ever since. Even when I had my last relationship, I still was on my own in a sense. I have been figuring out how to pay the bills, make my dollars stretch, clean/cook/type/ (all at once) successfully in an hour…I have basically done it all by myself and mastered it. The problem with this is now I actually have someone who can help me with my load but my independent self won’t allow it. I will literally argue with them about how I can do it by myself or catch an attitude if they suggest otherwise. I am the woman who will have a child on one arm and a million grocery bags on the other and dare you to try to help me close the car door. I got this! But that’s not what a relationship is about. It is about helping each other out and willingly doing so. Not forcing someone to allow you to help them. My inability to switch from independent mode causes other issues as far as being able to actually trust someone with anything. To actually be able to say to him, “Yes, I need help with the kids” or “Yes, I would love for you to give me your suggestions on a post I need to write” and truly be comfortable with doing this is something I long for. I don’t want to be that independent girl when I clearly don’t need to be. This does not mean I want to rely on him for everything because, eww, no, but I do need to be able to show him that I trust him enough to let my guard down and that I actually want him.
This ties into me being stuck in that independent mode. Compromise is one of those things I don’t do. I never saw the need for it because, once again, I’ve always been by myself. Kinda hard to compromise with yourself. But now that I am in a relationship, I see how important compromising is. My biggest issue with compromise is that I am used to seeing it done the wrong way. Most settle and that is a difference from compromising. I’ve had to come to that realization. Compromising does not mean you are giving up something and you are someone who is just ran over. When you compromise with someone, you are showing them that they are important enough to you for you to take their feelings and thoughts into consideration. You cannot be selfish in a relationship. Now, I don’t believe in compromising everything you believe in for the sake of keeping someone around because honestly, that person should not put you in that sort of predicament. Your partner should ask you to compromise with something that is reasonable and they know is not a stretch for you. You can’t come and ask me to compromise and give up weave when you know how I get down lol. But asking to compromise when it comes to where you live or how you will raise your children is something that has to be done when it comes to relationships. Remember, you are not the same person. They are coming with their own feelings and ideals and if you feel that they are important enough, then compromise should come naturally.
3. I’m not always right
This is a hard one too. You see, I’m the type that likes to be right about any and everything. I don’t do it in that annoying way where you are ready to fight that person. I actually didn’t realize I did this until I entered this relationship. My ways and views are mines, but they are not always correct. Allowing someone to have different ways of thinking than me and opening my eyes to new ways is not a bad thing. It is a part of the dating experience. Being able to say, “You’re right and I’m wrong,” is one of those things I don’t do. I will make up excuses after excuses until that person sees it my way. This. Does. Not. Work. In. A. Relationship! No one is always right, so I’m not sure why I feel like I am or have to be. I’m sure it’s some underlying reason that stems from my childhood, but for now we won’t go there. I know it’s wrong and fixing it is a must.
4. Attitude Adjustment
This is the last one and this is a huge one. This is the one that will have me back to my “I hate love” posts if I don’t correct it. My attitude can be the worst in the world and it can happen in the blink of an eye. (Blame the Gemini in me) I can be just fine and someone will come in a room, say the wrong word about the wrong subject, and I’m yelling and cussing at him and he’s looking at me like I’m crazy. This is the ultimate no. A real man is not going to sit there and take this type of abuse just because I’m upset with someone else. I mean, I wouldn’t even take it. This is one that I am not sure how to fix because it is an integral part of me. I’m sarcastic and nonchalant. I have mood swings, more like mood rollercoasters, and they can be triggered by any thing. I used to struggle with it at a younger age, but I am able to deal with it accordingly. But when I say I am able to deal with it, that is me dealing with it on my own. I’ve never had to deal with it in a relationship. I’ve never had to sit around with someone while I am having a depression episode and try to explain that I’m on the verge of tears simply because I have to get ready to go to back to work. Or explain to them that I am only raising my voice because that’s what happens when I am mad but I’m not actually arguing with them? How do I adjust that? How do I get out of that overly serious mood and get back to just sitting back and laughing about nonsense? My only answer, for now, has been constant communication. When I feel like I have said something out of the way, I immediately try to explain the situation. But I feel like that will soon grow tiresome and I will be back to boring Saturday evenings. 😦
So, those are my reasons as to why I could be a bad girlfriend. But the fact that I recognize these issues and am actively trying to fix them is reason why I AM NOT a bad girlfriend. See, most people would see these issues and shrug them off and that’s how the relationship becomes bad. Luckily, this is someone I actually care about and am willing to make these changes. You guys know me. I don’t change for anyone, but I guess this is different. I’ve always heard that when you are in a relationship, your mate should make you want to be a better person. It should not be a big fuss or something that they force you to do, but something that you come into on your own. You should find yourself wanting to do more in life so that you can provide more to the relationship. I never understood this until now. Ladies and even you few men out there that’s reading this, if you see signs that are leading you to the “bad mate” section, quickly regroup and come up with a game plan to get yourself back on track. Especially if you feel like they are worth it. A relationship is as amazing as you want to make it, but you have to do your part in making it so.
Okay, we all know about that dreaded time in a relationship when you just can’t stand the person that you are with. What used to be sweet and cute is now so annoying that you contemplate killing them in their sleep just to have a way out. You love them, but you just can’t stand them. You feel trapped and you are slowly losing yourself in the process. So, what do you do? You take a break. A break which means that you just need some time to yourself to get everything in order. Time to figure things out. “I still love you babe, but I just need some time to make sure this is right.” Now, during this time of immense self finding, when did it become the norm to somehow slip up and get someone pregnant? As we have seen recently from Dwyane Wade and Ludacris, this “break” is becoming a lot more serious then what it used to be. Normally, a break would last a few days in which you and your significant other would make up and be back on track. But now it seems that this “break” is giving men free realm to just do whatever and come back with washed hands. “Baby, you can’t get mad that’s she’s pregnant. We was on a break.” -_-
Now, let’s discuss what should happen whilst on said “break”. The “break” is basically the action before the break up. Instead of just calling it off, the two agree to take a “break” from one another to clear their heads. Maybe they have been spending too much time together or maybe they are feeling unappreciated and need time apart to regain that love. Whatever the need is most “breaks” take place so both parties can decide if they should continue in the relationship or not. Because you are suppose to be focusing on the relationship, most women believe that dating other people during this time is not acceptable. You should be home, in bed, jotting down pros and cons to the relationship, not out bumping and grinding with some hot tender. I mean really if that’s what you want to do then isn’t the whole idea of a “break” just preposterous. Why not just break up? This is why I have never, fully, understood the idea of a “break”. To me, it’s pretty much over if you have to go that route.
But let’s say you take the “break” and you figure out that you can’t be with anyone else but that woman. She is your sun and earth and moon and blah blah blah. You get back together and everything is perfect. Well, except the fact that 9 months later you receive a phone call from that hot tender you were in the club with and you hear a baby crying in the background. (Dramatic, I know. But hey this is my story lol). Now, you have to explain to your sun and earth that while on this “break”, when you were suppose to be doing some self evaluating, you were actually partaking in some risky behavior. While this may be one of men’s worst nightmares, technically it shouldn’t be because you always have that ace in the hole. That “but we were on a break” excuse. TECHNICALLY, she can’t really be mad at you because you guys were not together. TECHNICALLY, you’ve done nothing wrong and she has no right to leave you because it did not happen while you were together. Men know this and I feel like it is about to take on another life of its own. Men know that women are emotional creatures and think irrationally when it comes to love. They know that while the woman has every right to be upset that if he continues to drill it in her head that they were on a “break” she will eventually forgive him because those are the rules. It has happened to the best of us. But what I don’t like is how women just pacify the men when this takes place. It’s like they feel more empowered for sticking with a man who has done them wrong. That’s that Ride or Die syndrome. “My girl got my back regardless of what I do” and she is in the background bobbing her head while feeding his two kids. I’m just saying, some things are just too much.
I, personally, couldn’t just let someone off the hook for getting a woman pregnant while we were on a “break.” Seeing that the whole idea of a “break” is to get clarification on your relationship, I’m not really sure I want to continue being with someone who thought they could find this clarification in between another woman’s legs. And then to be so irresponsible as to get them pregnant. That just makes it worst. Seems to me that they were not thinking of you nor the relationship during this “break” so what is the point of staying with them? My biggest hope is that women stop settling for so damn little. If he can’t respect you enough while you are on a “break” then why would he respect you in a relationship? Being on a “break” does not curve your feelings towards that person. It doesn’t make the love stop just because you guys aren’t technically together. It’s the same thing for those who are in long term relationships but are not married. You still do the same thing that a wife does. Those acts don’t change once you get a ring. There is just a title that comes with it.
My advice to those out there is if you need a “break”, just break up. Or be prepared to take care of someone else’s baby because yall know this is a celebrity trend that is going to spread. “Aww, baby Dwyane did it and look at what Gabby did. She took him back with a smile. If they can make it work, I know we can.” -_-
So we all know, by now, what sexting is. If not there is the definition above. (Not really sure who is sending out sexual pics on that old ass phone but hey do you!) Anyways, like I said we all know what sexting is and I am sure we have all taken part in the act. Whether it was innocent flirting or straight raunchy, nasty, “you better make sure you send to the right person” type of messages, but we have all done it. Now, my question is when did this become the new form of dating? Seriously, think about it. Speaking from my own experience, like always, I have never received so many unsolicited peen pics in life! And this isn’t after a date or two, this is mid first day conversation. “Good morning. WYD?” “Nothing. Bout to let one go. Wanna watch?” 0_0 It really happens just like that. Not really sure if you guys think that’s a turn on, but it’s not. Especially if we just met. But what gives guys this courage to just be that bold? Is sexting just a normal thing now that takes place between strangers? Is sending nudes the new “check yes or no if you like me” type of thing?
I really blame social media for making sexting such a normal thing. And before I start let me say that I am not against sexting. I think that it is a great thing to be done between couples or significant others. It’s the random people that weirds me out. Now back to social media. You get on Twitter and you will see nudes probably before you see anything else. Whether it is someone who found out their dude was cheating so they leaked their nudes or if someone is trying to prove that they are sleeping with someone else’s girl so they leak their nudes. The fact that nudes can be leaked alone should be more than enough reason to not send them to any random person. But since it seems like it is so abundant on social media, it looks like everyone is sending nudes, so why not? Maybe this is where guys get that boldness from. They figure everyone else is doing it so hey let me do it too. It’s just a peen pic, right? Who really cares, right?
Now, like I said, I don’t see anything wrong with doing this if it is with one person or your significant other, but there has to be some type of rules that take place before sending an actual nude, right?
1. Is this person trustworthy enough to not leak your pics to the whole world?
This is huge! We see it all day long on social media where someone leaks someone else’s nudes. Do you want to be that person? Is it worth it? How can you tell if the person is trustworthy? This is where actual dating should take place. Conversation. You are able to feel someone out if you have a simple conversation with them. And really if you have to ask yourself if they are trustworthy then should you really be sexting them?
2. Time limit.
There should be some kind of time limit before you spread eagle and start using filters. Yes, you may have an occasional drunk night, but seriously you should at least know this person for some time and have conversed back and forth with them before they see the goods. Take it as serious as you would with actual sex.
3. Even Exchange.
This is simple. You should not be the only one sending, you should also be receiving. This will also help you with finding out if they are trustworthy.
I have a ton of other, goofy rules, but I’ll keep those inside for now lol.
Sexting, for this generation, is definitely the new form of dating. When you think about it, how many times throughout the day do you actually talk on the phone? Hold verbal conversations? Now, how many texts have you sent? See the difference? The fact that texting, alone, is becoming more prevalent in dating than actually talking on the phone you can see why sexting is on the rise. It’s kind of like when phone sex was a big thing and now everyone has just taken a more technical approach. But even though it may be the new norm, it still should be some boundaries set in place. Don’t just send random nudes or messages to someone you just met. It may seem like fun, but after you press send, you can’t really get that back. We’ve all done stupid things, but the continuation of stupidity starts to become ridiculous. Plus, we are older now. Sext with your boyfriend, but no strangers. And men. Please! PLEASE!!! Stop sending peen pics unless your lady asks for one. It really does not have the affect that you think it does on us. Ijs.
Photo credit: www.observer.com
Have you ever sat down and wrote out a list of all your prior relationships? Or even men you may have just hooked up with just to see where everything went wrong? Normally I don’t because my luck with relationships is just horrible but I really wondered if it was something I was doing. Most people think I am being overly dramatic, as I am about any and everything, but when I actually break it down to them they think that I am lying. I don’t know if that is sad or funny or what, but it is what it is. It is a running joke with myself and my best friend that every dude I come into contact with will have a story. He will seriously say, after I have met someone, “Can’t wait to see how this one will end?” smh Now I know you are thinking that I shouldn’t already shoot myself in the foot but after you read this list then you will understand why I think exactly the way he does. I used to be a very optimistic person when it came to love and relationships, but dammit I’m getting too old and tired for it now. I am a realist and realistically, it’s not gonna work out for me. Let’s start.
1. Him- yall already know who he is, but if not this was my first love. We were friends since 7th grade, started dating right after high school. He went off to college and so did I but we fell hard for each other. Well, at least I did. He went on to cheat on me and we broke up, but my heart was always there. It took me 8 years to get out of those feelings, mainly because we are great friends today. I, personally, feel that he is responsible for all these losers I encountered afterwards, lol. I’ll explain at the end.
2. BD1- This was a guy I met at work. I was still in my heartbroken stage and needed someone to get my mind off of Him. That’s where BD1, Baby Daddy #1, came in. During high school I was always the quiet and shy one. So whenever I got a little attention, I ran with it. BD1 showed me all the attention I needed, only at work though(I realized that afterwards). Long story short, we “dated” for four months which included 2 break ups. I found out I was pregnant and I also found out he was married with another child on the way.
3. Walmart guy- So after I had my son, I was working at Walmart and this guy would come in a flirt with me. He gave me his number and we decided to go out. While we were suppose to go out, he actually took me to some spot in the woods to make out. As we were doing that I asked him about that shiny ring on his finger. He laughed it off. I told him to take me home.
4. Pee in the Bed- So here I was. A single mother, still figuring out feelings over Him who would still come around every so often and make me feel on top of the world and then leave and make me feel like shit. So, I started doing what every bored person did. Online chatting. Met this guy, seemed nice. We talked for a minute and planned to meet up. Met up, went out( played video games at his house) and one night he slept over at my house. Sooo, I’m a pretty light sleeper, I guess, but I hear this running water sound in the middle of the night. I think nothing of it but when I wake up, before the guy, I see that there is a puddle of piss under him in my bed! I get out of the bed, get dressed, and wait for him in the living room. He wakes up, said nothing, and leaves.
5. Fat- So I tried the chatting thing again. Met a guy thought he would be cool to just talk to. He was really big. My mom told me not to judge him and so we started dating. Not trying to be funny, but he would literally come to my house and eat all my food. Seriously. I was a single mother and not working and dude would just come over and go in the fridge like it was his. He also was using me for my car. I would take him back and forth to the train station, but once he got his car, I never heard from him again.
6. A friend of a friend- this is short. I hooked up with a friend of a friend. He ended up swindling me out of $50-$60. Never heard from him again.
7. BD2- Met him at work. He had a ton of kids but was taking care of them all. We dated for two years. He was extremely possessive and crazy. I couldn’t be on my phone talking to my mother without it being an argument and him thinking I was planning excursions with Idris Elba. Not even sure why I stayed with him for all that time. My only reasoning is I was crazy and lonely. After being kicked out and homeless, I became pregnant. That’s when all hell broke loose. There was accusations of the baby not being his, he was constantly attacking Him because we were such good friends. There were constant threats. I still can’t listen to “Love the Way You Lie” without getting chills. Lastly, he tried to kill himself while I was in the house and I left.
8. Mr. New York- After BD2, I swore off of relationships. I had a few “buddies” but nothing serious. One of those “buddies” was a guy I met from New York. He seemed pretty cool and I mean he was from up top, yall know how that goes. So we had hooked up and one day me and my friend were sitting around talking about him. We decided to do what all girls do and Google his name. As soon as I pressed enter a long ass page of mug shots came up. I almost died from laughing so hard because I just couldn’t believe it. Then we went to Facebook and saw a cute little family. Smh…oh and he was 40.
9. Cool Guy- This guy really made me believe in love again. Well, kind of. He stayed out of town and had a girlfriend but we were mainly just friends. We would flirt a little and talk crazy but nothing went past that. Whenever I was going through something, he was always there to pick me back up. The bad thing with him was, well duh! He had a girlfriend. He wasn’t that happy with their relationship and I think that’s what would piss me off the most. But it is what it is.
10. ?- This guy would only come around for certain reasons. Sometimes I hated him, other times I liked to be around him. But I see this going nowhere because he is just not my type. He also may or may not have assaulted a grandmother( inside joke).
11. Buffalo Wild Wings- This is short. Met a guy when I finally convinced myself to go out by myself for the first time ever. This was huge for me. I was watching the UFC fight. After I left, guy asked for my number, gave it to him. Texted me that night to make sure I got home safely since it was raining and late. Texted me the next day asking when could he see me. I told him to arrange a date and I would meet him wherever we went. Guy gets mad. Seriously mad. He didn’t want to take me out anywhere. “Why would I spend money on someone I don’t know if I’ma like?” Ummmm, is that not the point of a date? He really wanted me to just chill at his house. “I don’t mind spending money after we chill and I find out if I like you.” I proceeded to cuss him out and he sent me a picture of his penis saying I was missing out.
12. Confused- This last one really put the nail in the coffin for me. He came out of nowhere, we actually went to school together, asked to hang out. We went out a few times, made out a few more, but then his past relationship entered back in the picture. I was content with it, but the going out continued and it left me confused. One minute they were done, the next they were back together and I was caught in the middle with my own mixed up feelings left out to dry. My one chance at a good guy and it seemed he would rather be played with by someone he loved than trying something different. The hardest thing is knowing that you could be perfect for someone and watch them settle for less.
So, let me explain how this is all “Him”s fault, okay and a little of mine. If I wasn’t so busy trying to catch the same high that he gave me or so busy trying to erase the memory of him then I would have never hooked up with these guys. How is that his fault? Because in between these guys he was still coming around, still giving me mixed signals. Then he would just leave abruptly. He had me in my “I’ma get you back” mode. He wasn’t gonna be the only one going out with other people. It was also my fault for being that dumb and naïve. I mean majority of this happened before I was 22, so I have to blame that ignorance on my youth. As a 27 year old, I am not that person anymore. But it doesn’t mean the luck has gotten better. I mean, I just met a guy and now he is dating someone I know. Also I met a guy a while back and just caught his ass in a lie. He is suppose to be a producer but he works at Walmart. Oh and the biggest one of the century, I hooked up Him with a crazy bitch. They actually dated for almost a year. Let me tell you….the conversations I had with God during that one….man. For me, my list is just a realistic reminder that it is what it is. I can’t do anything about half of the crap I go through with men. I can just sit back and continue to be the laughing source for me and my best friends because it really is the highlight of our lives. lol Once again I don’t know if that is funny or sad, but it is what it is. 🙂
When I first saw this drawing, I immediately fell in love with it. To some it may look like a simple drawing of a young couple kissing, but for me I saw more. I basically saw what I want in a relationship. Sometimes I can read things for more than what they are, but hey that’s the reason for me being a writer, right? Anyways, I wanted to try to turn this into a blog post instead of a story. Yes, I have already came up with their entire life story lol.
First thing first, I say that this drawing is what I want in a relationship because basically the type of man that is represented is exactly the type of man that I want. You have to look at the details. The way that he is kind of overpowering her is the thing that attracted me the most to this drawing. To me it is saying that he is protective over her. He will always be there to have her back and to be there whenever she needs it. This is the one thing all women need in a man. You want someone who you can walk down the street with and not have to worry about being disrespected or tried by anyone else because they see the presence of your man. Example, in that horrible Tyler Perry movie, yeah I know which one right?, but Temptation. When Jurnee was walking down the street and the guy called her a bitch, and Lance just told her to get in the car…no woman wants that. We want a man that we know can protect us and will do anything in their power to uphold our respect and dignity. No, I don’t want someone who is running around cursing everyone out for looking at me wrong, but basically he needs to just have that presence. He isn’t outlandish with it. It is just recognized and understood by everyone he comes into contact with.
Second, his attire. I love a man that is a jack of all trades. He can go from the corporate world to playing ball with the fellas to attending a jazz festival at night and not break a sweat. It is something that is innate. I hate the guys who try to hard. This is the ultimate turn off. I want someone who I know I can go to all these different events with and never have to worry once about what is going to happen. Corporate thug, nice guy with a bad boy edge, however you want to explain it, it’s what I want.
Third, her posture. It’s like she is just where she is suppose to be. This is the most important thing to me in a relationship. I don’t want to feel like being with someone is a challenge or is work. It should just flow and be natural. There should be no games that are played. No talks with friends about how do I keep him home at night. Real love doesn’t work like that. I don’t care what people try to make you believe, it doesn’t. Real love takes no energy. Yes, you will have fights, but if you are not right there in that position with that person, it just doesn’t feel right. In this drawing, she is not overly emotional or all over him. She is simply kissing her man because she knows that he is hers. This is me to a T. I am not for all the extra that comes with some relationships. I don’t need to yell from the rooftop that someone is my man nor do I need him to do it. It will be shown in other ways. Most women do all that extra stuff out of low self esteem and fear. Fear that another woman is gonna take their man. But if he is really yours, he’s not going anywhere. And all that shouting from the hill that he loves you is unreal to me. There is a difference between him loving you and “acting” like he loves you.
The last thing is actually small. The couple in the drawing are not married. I know most are like why would that be something you want in a relationship? Let me explain. Of course I want the marriage. I have had it planned since I was about 10. But reality is I know my flaws and I honestly don’t know if I want to be married anytime soon. It could be because I haven’t been exposed to real love in about 10 years or because I have seen no marriages that are encouraging. But for right now, I am not interested. But the thing I like in the drawing is that they are that happy and there is no ring. Most people focus too much on the ring. They don’t think about the actual relationship. They don’t think about solidifying the relationship first and then think about the marriage. It’s always the other way around.
This drawing definitely set in my mind exactly what I am looking for and what I want in a relationship. Sometimes it is easier to say it then to actually find it, but at least if you know what it is, you will notice it when you encounter it. That’s another problem with a lot of people. They don’t know what they want. You wait until someone comes along and just roll with the punches. I’ve grown from that type of person and will never go back to her. If that means I will have to continue to wait then so be it. I will wait until I am that girl in this drawing. In love and secure and simply happy.
Drawing by Manasseh Johnson
So I know I’ve done posts about how sorry men are and how I’m still in love with my ex, but now I am going to write about the truth. While those post are very true, this one right here is the gospel. I will be single forever. No, seriously. And this isn’t an independent, fuck men type of single forever. This is a plain I’m going to be single forever. I already know what you’re going to say. “That’s not true,” “You’ll find your soul mate,” “You never know what can happen,” yeah yeah blah blah blah. I know the type of woman that I am. I am extremely impatient. I don’t have time for the back and forth that comes with relationships. I don’t have time to go out on fifty million dates just to figure out if you are worth my time. I don’t have time for the flirting and the other foolishness. I really just don’t want to deal with it.
Besides being impatient, I have extreme control issues. As a single mother, I am used to being the one that figures everything out from start to finish. I do not see myself letting that control go to anyone else especially when it involves my children’s well being. Another thing I don’t see happening is being a ride or die chick. As a mother, I don’t see myself being consumed by anyone else but my kids. Now, I also know what you’re going to say. “You’ve probably never felt real love before.” Ha! I have been in love before. I know how real love is, how it feels. I know it all too well. But the fact that I lost that love and will never get it back furthers my realization of being single forever. No one measures up to that man. Point blank. It’s pointless if me to even try to date. And I definitely don’t want to be “that girl” who breaks a man’s heart and turns him into a full fledge dog. I don’t need that on my conscience. I used to be extremely optimistic, but after a year and 1/2 of being single and seeing absolutely no potential, that optimism has turned into doubt. Some are blessed to find their soul mates, whereas for me *shrugs* that shit’s not for everybody. Like I said before, this is definitely not by choice. Who would deliberately choose to be lonely for the rest of their life? I would love nothing more than to be with that one person that makes me happy, but reality is that mess isn’t happening. So what if I’m single forever though? What am I really missing out on? The surprise chick on the side? The “oh I have a few kids on the way”? Yeah, keep that to y’all selves. Team Single over here!
Okay, every woman knows who “HIM” is. It’s the one that got away. He can be your first boyfriend, first love, or even your first crush. Whoever he is and for whatever reason you guys split, do you ever find yourself dating men that remind you of HIM? Whenever I see a guy or think I might be interested, I always find myself saying, “He does act like so and so,” or “He is funny like so and so.” Now, I don’t do this on purpose but I find it funny that if that person doesn’t make me think about HIM, then I am not interested. Most people would say well maybe you still have feelings for HIM, but I wouldn’t whole heartedly agree. In my case, it’s half and half. But I think for most women, we always remember that first one and if it leaves a good impression, we go searching for that feeling forever. What sucks is most the time, that feeling, can never be found again.
As I can only speak for myself, I find this to be somewhat of a challenge since HIM is still actively in my life. I look at other guys and immediately compare, which is doing nothing but shooting myself in the foot. For now, I don’t worry about it too much since I am enjoying the single life. But I think about years down the line when I am ready to start dating. Will all my relationships ultimately fail because I am holding them to a ridiculous standard? Or will I realize that HIM should no longer be HIM and keep it moving? Who knows? Only time will tell.