Somehow this year, I’ve allowed myself to become more depressed than I’d like to admit. I’m used to dealing with my depression in various ways. I shut down, I cry, I throw myself into a project, I smoke, I drink, sometimes I’ll write, listen to music, watch a few episodes of Drag Race and be okay. But lately…I’ll do all these things and the end result is still sadness. Well sadness isn’t really the word. It’s more emptiness and anger, which I’ll break down.Continue reading
Worth It or Nah?
So there was a clip floating around on Twitter where a woman said that she could be dying on the side of the road and she would still not ask her child’s father for help. The men in the clip thought she was outrageous and couldn’t believe she was saying this. But after thinking about it…I understood completely where she was coming from.Continue reading
The Mind of a Procrastinator pt. 1
All right…let’s get up and get Marlee together. What are we doing today? We need to get all the stuff done that involves using the laptop. Okay…so checking on Walmart orders, checking on Cayden’s school stuff, checking on Marlee’s paperwork. Wait…do I have a copy of the lease? Okay…I’ll look through the emails. Why is this girl trying to wear heels? Let me let her brush her teeth while I do her hair. Ugh I need to detangleContinue reading
“Wrong Side of A Love Song”
Walking into this room, my body begins to shake. I whisper to myself, “You can do this.” The room is cold and damp. I walk over to the window that was left open. A cool breeze flows through. I inhale deeply. My hands tremble as I close the window shut. I glance over to my left. The bedroom. The door is halfway open. I begin to walk towards it.Continue reading
Why I Finally Deleted Facebook
Let me start with saying, for business reasons I haven’t completely deactivated my Facebook account. But the app is deleted from my phone. Now, I have done this a few times before but I always find myself downloading the app back within a few days or even hours. What is different this time?Continue reading
Indecisive During the Pandemic
Has anyone else felt an overwhelming feeling of indecisiveness during the pandemic? For me, I am already a very indecisive person. This is because it seems as if every decision I make affects my life in some kind of negative way. It’s also not just MY life that hangs in the balance, but my kids as well…which brings more anxiety and makes every decision nerve wrecking.Continue reading
One thing that I’ve been doing during this quarantine is therapatizing myself. Is therapatizing a word? No…but ima use it lol. Among the many things, I’ve been trying to change my negativity towards relationships. I’m finding myself becoming colder and harder with this subject. I instantly reject any notion that a healthy relationship is in my future. It’s impossible…………………………….right?
Yes, I know what I deserve. I know I’m amazing and blah blah blah…but is it actually possible? My dating life is not even a thing. Completely non-existent. I will say I have at least put a little effort into it. This is how it normally goes:
“Wow…you’re beautiful. I would love to get to know more about you. Tell me something.”
“Aww thanks. Well, I like to write, I own my own natural product company, I love to cook.”
“That’s dope. Do you have any kids?”
Now, I normally don’t get upset when I don’t get a response because I get it. Three kids is a lot. Trust…I know. But damn! Can a sista get a “lol” or something before getting completely ghosted? After this happens a good 7 times, I normally say screw it and delete whatever dating app I’ve been perusing at the time.
If that isn’t the gist of the conversation, the others normally go somewhere straight sexual on their end or they are looking for someone to cheat on their wives with 🙄. With these type of results constantly happening, one would have to be insane to think anything different will ever happen.
That’s where I am with the whole thing. I’ve automatically written anyone off because it’s easier to not get hurt that way. Can’t get hurt if I already assume you’re a cheater and a liar….right?
But who wants to think like that? It’s draining and annoying asf. There has to be some sort of balance between being positive and not being stupid. But how do you get to that place? Mentally, all I know is bullshit. I’ve never been in any healthy relationships. I read certain posts on social media and find myself stumped on how actual healthy relationships exist. Even from the smallest things like a man just randomly hugging and kissing on you because he is that infatuated with you. WHAT IS THAT?!? I’ve never had it. Moments like that hit me and make me sit back and truly be honest with myself. I’ve never been in an equally yoked relationship. I know what love is simply because I have loved before. But never the other way around. If I was ever loved by someone, it was out of convenience for themselves. It was never something that was natural. It came with stipulations, drama, anger, regrets, and fear. Love…genuine love was nowhere around.
And then it hit me again. When is the last time I ever experienced true intimacy? Not something I fabricated in my head, but something real. Not something that was forced to produce forgiveness. When was the last time I had been taken care of? Been thought of? Been held? Kissed? Appreciated?
The lack of these things are the reason why I’m so quick to reject the idea of love…but is that a fair assessment? I can’t really hate on something I’ve never fully experienced. Today’s male population does not make it any easier, but my unhealthy attitude towards love doesn’t help either. I am a firm believer in you attract what you put out. I don’t purposely put out negative vibes, but it seeps through my pores so it’s inevitable that it will come out in some ways.
My biggest thing now is just trying to be fully honest with myself more and more so I can try to heal properly. No, I will not be all positive and lovey dovey the next time I speak to a guy…but I will stop automatically assuming the worst. I will trust myself in knowing that I am smarter than I was and I won’t fall for the same bs. I will trust myself to never be in those situations again. This is the lesson I need to learn!
At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my thoughts, and my intentions. Will I get hurt again? Will I find the love of my life? Who knows…but I owe it to myself to at least try vs. complaining and accepting a fate that is not even mine. If nothing else, a good story can always come out of it. 💙
Depressed On The 1st
Today I woke up depressed…but isn’t it the New Year? Wasn’t some magical time bomb suppose to go off that instantly made 2019 my best year? Didn’t all that emotional shit get left behind at the stroke of midnight? Clearly, it did not.
Let me clarify this depression. While it isn’t the normal depression that I’m used to dealing with throughout my whole life…it still is a form that I’ve began to recognize. For the past month, I’ve been anxiously awaiting the arrival of my daughter. Is she overdue? Technically no…but when you’ve been in constant pain and the doctor mentions that you’re measuring further along and she is already very big…you get excited at the thought that she’s gonna be here sooner than you think. So I automatically go into preparation mode. I had to get everything ready for her imminent arrival. I had meal prep ideas, cleaned out my closet, everything was organized, I closed my business. I WAS READY!!! A whole ass month later…no baby. 🙄
This is when I began to notice the small signs of depression that many people ignore. I became a robot. I was literally doing the same thing every single day. Wake up, drop the boys off at school, go to work, pick them up from school, go back to work, come home, cook, watch Bobs Burgers, and go to sleep by 9. This was my routine. When the weekend came…I was lost. I didn’t know what to do nor did I want to do anything. I would literally just lay on the couch and see how much pain I could withstand before it was time for bed. For me, the pain meant she was still possibly coming. (Clear negative)
The week before Christmas, I magically could feel no pain. I was able to walk again. Finally!! She was coming. I Googled a bunch of herbs and foods to see how we could speed this along and went for it. It felt like it was working…she was going to be here soon…I COULD FEEL IT! I went to the doctor, knowing they were gonna tell me I was at least dilated. But again…more unanswered questions and just the same ole “lets see what the specialist says next week.” MORE WAITING!
For a person with anxiety, waiting is the worst thing that could ever be told to them. You literally want me to wait three days to see IF she can be induced? Why can’t we just get this over today? What am I suppose to do with my life until then?? So, I went home and did nothing. I slept. I didn’t engage with anyone. My mind didn’t think about anything but when will she come? I would wake up in the middle of the night wondering if my water broke, how would I react? This was consuming me.
The final straw was New Year’s Eve. I was prepared to sleep at 9 as usual. My kids were good. I put on some music to clear my head and laid down. And then my idiot neighbors commenced a 4 hour firework show in our backyard. I’ve been irritated before and normally just got over it, but this time I couldn’t. I started crying until it was somewhat over. I wondered why was I even crying over something so small and realized I just wanted to sleep and get to the next day. A day closer to her being born. I woke up the next morning, went to the bathroom, laid down figuring out how I would spend this day off and was shocked as tears rolled down my eyes. Wtf?? It’s a new year and I don’t think this is allowed. What was I crying for? I wanted my hair done but I knew I was going to be too exhausted and mentally drained to do it. I wanted to feel cute but I knew I would just end my day feeling pregnant again. Nothing was going to be accomplished today.
That’s what clicked. The only accomplishment I was focused on was delivering this baby. Nothing else mattered. For the past two months, this has been my only focus. I hadn’t been able to wrap my mind around anything else. This was a state of depression, but in a completely different form. And how was I going to combat it? I mean, I can’t just make her come out. It is a horrible waiting game so where do I go from here? Normally I would drink, smoke and start with a clear head. But that can’t be done. I could get out the house but the issue would still be looming and waiting for me when I walked back in the door.
So, the only thing I could think of was to write. 🤷🏾♀️ It’s always been my go to. Even if what I’m writing makes no sense. I’m getting the thoughts out of my head for the moment. It’s the one release that always works for me. I’m sure many will read this and not understand a thing I’m going through…and that’s fine. I never write for anyone but me. It is my therapy that I just happen to share with the world. That is the one thing I know will never change in this new year. Depression and anxiety will always be a part of me. No matter what. The biggest takeaway is that I recognize it and learn how to curb it so it is manageable. It never goes away. But it doesn’t have to be life consuming either.
And even if I’m pregnant for the rest of my life, medically impossible but mentally I feel it can happen 😂, I will have to just chalk it up. I can’t control everything. The anxiety will have to just deal. She’s in control and not me. C’est la vie. ❤️
S/N: STOP ASKING PREGNANT WOMEN IF THEY ARE STILL PREGNANT! Also…what kind of magical potion are these celebs taking because everyone has had their baby, but me 😩😂. ✌🏾
Anticipated Adele “25” Finally Drops and I Have my Tissue Ready
Photo Source: Adele.com
So, if you are like me, you have been waiting for Adele’s new album the day after she dropped her last one years ago. I literally was waiting in agony to punish myself with more heartbreaking music that would have me depressed for hours on end. This is what Adele did to you. With “19” and “21,” she rips at your emotions and leaves you damaged…totally wrecked. And probably for no reason. I don’t even think I was dating anyone when these albums came out, but you couldn’t tell me I hadn’t just been through the hardest breakup in my life. (Dammit James from 3rd grade!!)
Finally the moment had came! “25” was available! Now, I know I said how much I was waiting for this album, but I can’t lie and say I didn’t hesitate before downloading. I mean this time I actually had been through an emotional breakup and I wasn’t sure if I was ready. Was I strong enough to listen to this album without throwing myself onto the couch in the fetal position for the next three days? I told myself that we were good and downloaded the CD. (I actually had a pow wow with myself…don’t judge me.)
With each song becoming available, I could feel the anticipation. I was so ready! First song was “Hello” which I’ve already cried a thousand times to, so so far I was good. Next song, “Send My Love (To Your New Lover),” was upbeat and had me feeling great. It’s basically saying that I’m over you, finally, and tell your new boo I said hey. A very shady and adult song and I was here for it. Then came “I Miss You.” Now, by the title alone…I knew I was probably in trouble. The slow melodic intro had me grabbing for the tissue and waiting patiently. But then the beat turns into a sultry vibe and the emotional Gods spared me. This was actually a very sexy song that I envisioned myself pole dancing to for bae. Three songs down…eight more to go!
“When We Were Young” seemed pretty harmless. Welp…in true Adele form, she comes in singing powerfully with a piano playing softly. Dammit! Adele sings about seeing an old love that basically has stirred up all these old emotions of when they were younger. I opened the tissue packet because I knew where this was going. The next song starts off the same. Adele and her beloved piano companion pull me in. “Remedy” discusses how she will be there for someone who is going through it all. For some reason, I felt like she was talking to me, but anyways. This is where the emotions started to stir up. Who doesn’t want someone to be there for them in their darkest moment? Can’t you imagine casting all your burdens to the side and laying in Adele’s lap so she can sing softly to you? I mean it probably will make everything worse, but still.
“Water Under the Bridge” and “River Lea” both have a more upbeat tone that made those emotions subside and put me back in a normal mental state. 4 songs to go and I was not a sniffling mess. I could get used to this when listening to Adele. And then it happened. Piano and violins start to play and Adele comes in, singing soft and somberly. “I can’t stay this time cause I don’t love you anymore. Please stay where you are. Don’t come any closer. Don’t try to change my mind. I’m being cruel to be kind.” Welp…there goes my life. Adele hits a high note in the chorus and I just die. She does this to me every time!
“Love in the Dark” struck a chord with me because it is very relatable. When you get to that place of finally being over someone, but they refuse to let you go and you have to beg for them to just leave you alone. Selfish bastards. “Million Years Ago” had me in my feelings for absolutely no reason. Now, this is what I love about Adele. She can bring emotions out of nowhere. Giving me a Spanish sultry vibe, Adele belts out a powerful song about living to her full potential. She had me missing my mother and friends when I see my mother damn near everyday lol. This just goes to show the strength of this woman and her voice.
Two more songs and I only had a few emotional moments…nothing crazy like before. I was smooth sailing. And then “All I Ask” comes on and let’s just say, I have had it on repeat for the last hour. The dynamic duo are back, (Adele and piano), and the beginning of the song is fine. Then the chorus comes… “All I ask is iffffff….this is my laaaassst night with you. Hold me like I’m more than just a frieeeeend. Give me a memory I can useeee. Take me by the hand while we doooo what lovers do. It matters how this ends… cause what if I never looooove again.” All the tears are here. I can’t deal! Adele sings from her soul with this song and I can do nothing but rock and sway and cry. Seriously…if you have just been through a break up or something…don’t torture yourself with this song.
Adele ends the album with “Sweetest Devotion.” I love this song because it shows the power behind Adele’s voice and range. It’s not too emotional and it’s a great way to kind of clean yourself up after the previous song.
In my opinion, Adele is one of those sweet pains. You know her music is going to take you there, but you don’t mind. You will torture yourself emotionally because her voice is just that good. It is so hard to find really good music nowadays. Singers who actually can sing. Songs that actually have meaning. So, yes. You may have to go buy a pint of ice cream and stay in your corner for a few hours, but it is well worth it. Everyone can relate to heartbreak and the best music comes from that raw pain. I know it may sound bad, but I didn’t want a happy album from Adele. I wanted that pain and raw feelings that we all have gone through. I will say that you can tell the growth in Adele, hence it is called “25”, because the emotions are a little more mature than it was on “19” or “21.” Bottom line is…Adele is the shit so go and support her!
It has happened.
I’m finally there.
Years of doubt and struggle,
But here I am.
Love has found me.
I have finally opened my once cold and blocked heart
To the possibilities.
Joy, happiness, love
On the phone…again.
But I was there!
I mean, I was really right there.
I was there in that place,
Mind made up.
Telling me to allow this to fruition into
What I knew it could be.
But, now, I don’t know where I am.
That smile that warmed my heart
Is no longer around.
That voice that kept me sane
You’re here, but where are you?
Laying next to me, but I can’t feel you’re touch.
Is this love?
Am i still there?
No. I’m definitely back here.
Here it comes.
The insecurity. The thoughts. The constant “what did I do?”
Never good enough.
Pretty enough. Skinny enough.
Thick enough. Funny enough.
Never enough to keep me there.
That place I had longed for.
Had praised God once I got there,
But now what do I do now
That I am back here?
I’m too tired.
This place is dark.
I know how to act here.
No surprises. No turnarounds.
One strict goal.
Trapped…out of love…again.