Somehow this year, I’ve allowed myself to become more depressed than I’d like to admit. I’m used to dealing with my depression in various ways. I shut down, I cry, I throw myself into a project, I smoke, I drink, sometimes I’ll write, listen to music, watch a few episodes of Drag Race and be okay. But lately…I’ll do all these things and the end result is still sadness. Well sadness isn’t really the word. It’s more emptiness and anger, which I’ll break down.Continue reading
Why I Believe Devon Still Should Not Be Paying Child Support
We all know the beautiful story of NFL player Devon Still and his daughter Leah. Leah, who has been fighting cancer, and her dad, who was cut from the Bengals because he was constantly with his daughter and not at football camp, but was later reinstated so that he would be able to keep his salary and his daughter would be insured, have been the talk of the NFL for months now. Well, now it seems that the mother of his child and ex, Channing Smythe, has hired lawyer, Gloria Allred, to take the case of him not paying child support. He is apparently 4 months behind and has said he will not pay her anything until they have their day in court. Now, those are the facts. Here is my opinion. Devon Still is, obviously, an amazing father. Channing does not even dispute this. He goes back and forth from Cincinnati to Delaware, where she lives, to see his daughter weekly. He is there for her at majority, if not all, of her hospital visits and surgeries. He has brought awareness and raised millions for pediatric cancer groups. WHY ARE YOU BEING SO PETTY???? This is coming from a single mother who has her kid’s fathers on child support. I vowed I would never put my kid’s fathers on child support if they were actively in their lives and making some type of financial effort. This man lost his job because he cared more about his daughter than his career. He was reinstated and her medical bills are covered. Let me say that again for the ones in the back. HER MEDICAL BILLS ARE COVERED!!!!!!!!!!!! What more do you need?
I am going to take it there and I could care less what anyone says or thinks. This woman is being petty and lazy. Yes, you are not able to work a normal job because your daughter needs full care. How about a work from home job? Hire a nurse to help you and work from home in the middle of the night while Leah is sleep. It’s not impossible. I am doing it in a room…A ROOM…with my two children. Just because you cannot get out and work a normal 9-5 does not mean you cannot bring income into your household to take care of your child. Channing continues to say that she has to go on food stamps to provide food for her child. And? If that is what you have to do, then that is what you have to do. This is the role of a parent. You sacrifice for your children. It is life. You don’t want it to be this way then YOU make it better. If you are unable to take care of this child the way that you claim you cannot then give him custody until you get back on your feet. Why has that not been brought up?
The issue that I am having is that I see it as Channing being a little bitter because Devon is engaged to a new woman and supposedly Channing is pregnant by a man who is not around in her life. -_- We as women have all been there and been hit by the bitter bug. Where you wanted to drag your ex through the mud no matter what! You cannot do this when a man is actually involved in your child’s life and is legitimately helping her. Yes, I know love does not pay the bills but dammit her medical bills are being covered and honestly, that is all I would care about. Do you know how many women are out here taking care of hospital bound children alone…on their own…no help financially…and they are still making it! Sometimes you have to stop with the damn pity party and look at yourself in the mirror. Do you know how lucky she is to have her child’s father in his daughter’s life? Willing to lose it all for her? And you are ready to get him fired over child support??? If he loses his job, who is going to pay those medical bills then?
This is not to say that child support is not important, because it is. But there are various ways to give child support. I do not believe in dumping everything on the man…especially doing it just because he makes a lot of money. Would Channing be doing this if Devon worked at McDonalds? Is this really about child support or is it about parent support? Because Leah is obviously being supported by her father, so who is this money really for? I would have more respect for Channing if she did this off the records and not in the media. Especially with the way the NFL is targeting African American players with any issue that comes along. If Devon gets negative attention, he will lose his job and who will suffer the most in the end? Leah. She is all that matters in this. The smile that comes across her face when she sees that man is worth more than any check should be. It’s sad that Channing doesn’t see this. It’s sad that a lot of these women don’t see this. Looking from my eyes, I would gladly give up my child support that I barely get for my boys to have a real connection with their father. To not have to go through bullshit every time you see them. For them to genuinely love their child. Channing you are truly misguided and I pray that you think about your daughter in this situation and not yourself.
Photo courtesy of http://www.wpco.com
Let me start by saying this post is a long time coming. I have had this post in my heart for almost a year now but never knew how to quite get it out. Then the queen of the universe, Oprah Winfrey, had a show entitled “Daddyless Daughters” and I thought to myself, I am not the only one who has thought about this. No, I did not watch the show. (I am actually going to make myself watch it tonight.) I did not watch the show because I knew what they were talking about and frankly I didn’t have time to stir up old emotions. I had my own stuff to deal wit. Kids, job issues, self motivation issues, relationship issues…thinking about being a daddyless daughter was not something I was trying to add to my list. But, finally, in lieu of my issues I am ready to tackle this one. I am no longer worried about who reads this and what they think because frankly I could give two shits. When you get to a certain age, people’s thoughts and perception start to slowly mean less and less. Those who matter already know my issues so what anyone else thinks or comments is irrelevant.
Let me start by saying my real father lives in San Diego. Him and my mom divorced when I was five and she moved to Atlanta. My relationship with him is very non existent. Honestly, I don’t know a thing about him except he drinks. That’s where I get that from. I have never had a connection with him, nor have I ever wanted to. It’s funny how you think you are over something, even as an adult, until you are faced with that something. A few months back my father contacted my sister in California trying to contact me. This shocked me because at 27 I have seen my father a good five times, if that, and have spoken to him a good three. What was he contacting me for? Maybe he had a change of heart and actually wanted to get to know his daughter. I mean, I’m a published author now, so I have some interesting things going on. Maybe he wants to know about his grandchildren. Maybe he wants to visit or fly us out. These are all the things that went through my head as I waited for his call. But lo and behold, he wanted none of these things. He wanted my mom to stop child support so he could pursue something. I remember being on the phone with him and he faked interest and started asking me questions. I felt like I was on the phone with a complete stranger. “So, how are you?” “Fine.” “Hmm.” Silence. “Your mom told me you wrote a book.” “Yeah. I have two.” “Hmm.” More silence. “Well, where can I get it?” “I have a website that you can purchase them on.” “Hmm. What’s the website?” www.iamje- ” “Why don’t you just email it to me?” -_- Did he just interrupt me?? Yeah, that’s how it went. A conversation with my father. The man who helped give me life. The man who is suppose to be the one male I can depend on. The one that I can run to when I have problems. The one who tells me over and over again that I am the prettiest girl in the world. The one that I want my husband to be like. That was my father on the phone. Who knew nothing and did not care to know anything about his little girl.
Now, like I said before I never really talked to my father, so he was pretty non-existent in my eyes. My mother remarried when I was about 8 and I had my dad around. Growing up, I remember my dad being funny and goofy. But I was a real mama’s girl so I didn’t even pay him that much attention. As I got older, I began to notice the withdrawal, especially after they began to have kids of their own. High school, I honestly could not stand being there. The yelling, the attitude, the disregard for others feelings. People wonder why I hate cartoons like Spiderman, Batman, etc. Well, try watching TV in the living room and having your dad snatch the remote from the couch and turn the channel and his only response is “when you pay the bills then you can watch what you want to.” Yeah, I hated anything he came into contact with. People wonder why I am so independent and absolutely refuse help. Seriously, this guy offered to open my door and I cussed him out about it because I didn’t need his help. But you have to understand where I am coming from. Going over your parents house with your kids, at night, and having absolutely no, NONE, help from your dad to get the kids back in the car and any additional bags I may have left with. Or being dropped off from the grocery store and not getting any help to take the groceries inside. This was and is my life. Why would I let a man help me when my dad doesn’t even do it? Why should I deserve this type of common courtesy treatment? Why would I believe anything that comes out of a man’s mouth? My own dad doesn’t speak to me. So what makes what is coming out of your mouth special? See, this is my mindset and it didn’t take until today for me to be fully over it. Hence, the reason why I am writing this post. I am over being afraid of what someone might say. I am over being cautious of other’s feelings when I’m hurting here and no one knows. I am over it.
Being a daddyless daughter has hindered me more because I actually have two dads! But the rejection from not just one, but two, is worse. It keeps me thinking something must be wrong with me because damn neither one of them gives a damn about you. Neither one of them tells you you are beautiful. Neither one of them tells you you are wonderful. Neither one of them tells you that you are a good mother. That you are a hard worker. That you are worthy of love. That you can do anything in this world. That they love you. I wrote this post so that people can realize the affects that they have on their children. Those babies aren’t just playing and living life without taking mental notes of everything that you are doing. You are affecting them. This has affected me still and I am 27. I cannot properly love someone else because of this. Do you really want that for your children? Do you want your issues affecting their ability to do something in their lives? Parents you have to wake up and realize that it is just not you anymore. You are affecting everyone around you and could possibly continue a horrible cycle. Love your kids more. Spend time with them. Tell them how wonderful they are even if they are getting on your last nerves. If they can’t come to you and receive praise, why would they expect it from others? As far as me and this issue, I have written about it and thus the healing has began. I have also poured a huge glass of wine. 😉
Photo credit: www.theopenedbox.com
To my Mom
Okay, it is Mother’s Day. You see that hot woman up there? That is my beautiful mother. She probably will kill me for putting that picture up, but it is one of my faves of her. She embodies everything that I want to be in this picture. Beautiful, classy, fun, vibrant. Normally, I would buy her a gift and a card to show my appreciation, but this year it didn’t work out that way. To be honest, I believe she will love this more. Since I can remember I have always been a writer and since I can remember, my mother has always been my best friend. She is the only one that has been there through everything and knows exactly what I am feeling, even if I don’t know it. I am her first, the oldest, so of course there was a time where we butted heads. Two years of disdain towards her because I was caught up in the “I know everything” stage of my life. Luckily, she was the type of woman who will let you continue to think you know something and not laugh in your face when it comes out that you know shit. (A trait I inherited as well). When I was younger, no one could tell me anything about my mother. She was the best woman in the world. She was loving, understanding, intelligent. And now that I am older and I see more of her in myself I realize that she is really a gem. My mother, at times, seems to very unappreciated in different aspects of her life. But as her daughter, I stay respectful and in my place and do not comment on these things. Instead, myself and my kids, always show our appreciation for her. I think of the people that I know that do not have a connection with their mother and I could not imagine this. I am 26 and I still need her around. Just last week I was in a horrible car accident. I was unharmed, miraculously, and in my mother’s true form she immediately began to pick up the pieces. I remember sitting in the ER waiting room, feeling like crap, and my mother simply placed her hand on my back. (Damn these thug tears) Anyways, she placed her hand on my back and I swear I felt at so much ease. Seriously, I felt like everything was alright. My breathing was better, my chest didn’t hurt. I could’ve went straight to sleep just from that simple touch. This is the connection that we have. I used to say that my mother was psychic because she knew things before I could even try to get them out. A depressing day of crying and being in the bed and my mother would call, out of the blue, just to check on me. But this is what a mother does. We have that “mommy sense” as they call it.
I wrote this because this is the only way I know how to get all of my feelings out and in the open. She knows that I love her, but I need her to realize how much I appreciate her. How much I appreciate her for making me the woman that I am today. Strong, intelligent, independent, funny, sarcastic, nonchalant. These attributes of my personality I get from her. As I look at a lot of young woman today, I thank God that I was raised by her. She has shown me so much. Shown me how to stand on my own two feet and that, yes, having a man around is nice, but is not necessary to live out your life’s plan. This is the biggest thing that I respect the most. Teaching me to be independent has been the thing that has gotten me through my life. Anyways, time to cut this short because her grandkids are losing their minds, as usual. I just want to say that I love you mom and you are sincerely appreciated. I may not have all the money for the gifts and trips that you deserve, but I am working my ass off to get towards it. Love you!
A True Bitch
*this post was written a while back. It is now being reposted due to website malfunction*
Excuse the abrasive title, but when I look at this picture of Tameka Foster, Usher’s ex and baby mama, those are the only words that come to mind. Only a bitch would keep a man from his kids intentionally. You are mad because he has moved on with his life and you just can’t let it go. For me, as a single mother, women like this piss me off. Both of my kids father’s are not involved in their life. One just doesn’t give a damn and the other is too damn crazy. I would give anything to have a man that was an excellent father and wanted nothing more than to be there for their child. Women like Tameka do nothing but take stuff for granted. You are mad because he wants more time with his kids? Bitch, try having no one around to help you with your kids. Try doing everything solely on your own. And let’s not even talk about finances. My biggest pet peeve is when chicks say I want more in child support. Oh, 3 or 4,000 is not enough? Bitch, try getting $50 a week, if that. Women, stop being so spiteful. So what if he doesn’t want you anymore. So what if he is beating down a better chick than you. So what if his career is more successful than yours. What does this have to do with the both of you raising that child? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe you are affecting your kids in a negative way? What child wants to constantly be around their parents who are always fighting? This does nothing but put a rift between yourself and your child. It’s not worth it. So instead of being selfish and spiteful, have common sense. You have a man that would do anything for his kids. Give him his time. Trust me. Us single moms would never take that for granted. Be thankful he is asking for more time instead of ignoring your calls. We always criticize men for being deadbeats and then when a good one comes around, you still tear him down. Make up your mind.