Somehow this year, I’ve allowed myself to become more depressed than I’d like to admit. I’m used to dealing with my depression in various ways. I shut down, I cry, I throw myself into a project, I smoke, I drink, sometimes I’ll write, listen to music, watch a few episodes of Drag Race and be okay. But lately…I’ll do all these things and the end result is still sadness. Well sadness isn’t really the word. It’s more emptiness and anger, which I’ll break down.

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Why I Won’t Be Going to My High School Reunion

So, it’s finally that time. The moment has come. 10 years, yes I know 10, of being out of high school and it is reunion time. Before, I was the hyped one about this event. I couldn’t wait to get everyone together and reminisce about the good ole days and chat about upcoming ventures. Before, I was the one that was trying to convince my friends on going because it would be so much fun. That was before and this is now. Now, I won’t be going to my high school reunion.

Don’t get me wrong. I admire a lot of my classmates and I know the type of fun that we can have together, but mentally, I know this is not the right move for me. Recently I have caught myself resorting back to that 12 year old shy girl with low self esteem who tried to do any and everything to please people around her. That girl that would shrink whenever in a crowded room out of fear of judgment. That girl that would overly compliment other friends just so they could maybe throw a compliment my way as well. This is the girl I have worked so hard to get rid of, but I see her coming back. Whether it is a conversation between co-workers or a comment on Twitter, that 12 year old girl is coming back and I am not going to allow it. High School was a fun time for me. Nothing too crazy, but still fun. I had my table of friends, a guy I was crazy about, and pretty much no worries. But when I really think about it, I was always on the outside looking in. Never really a part of anything…just kind of around. I’ve noticed that more as I have become older because friendships have disintegrated out of thin air. Like, literally, people who I have been friends with for years have just disappeared, and like that 12 year old girl, I’ve blamed myself. Maybe I didn’t compliment them enough? Maybe I didn’t support them enough? Maybe I let too much of my personality outshine theirs? But seriously, why should any of that be a reason if I wasn’t so easily dispensable? I mean, I don’t get a lot of support but I’m still around. I don’t get many compliments and yet I still remain friends. But it is this thought process that is keeping me far from this event. This thought process is childish. Dumb. But, unfortunately, I’ve been placed there. Going back to that reunion is like going right back to high school. Going right back to that lunch room table. Going right back to that mindset. That is not where I want nor need to be.

My life is actually going well. For once. Yes, I’ve lost friends, but honestly, I am a 27 year old grown ass woman. Who cares who has left? Yes, I have memories and no, I really don’t know what caused any of this, but so what? It is what it is. My focus is not what I had 10 years ago, it’s what I will have 10 years from now. I’m no longer the shy girl trying to be seen. Hoping and wishing for that seat at the table; vying for a conversation or a laugh. I’m not her and I refuse to go back to her. So for those that are reading this that I did go to school with know that this is nothing against you. This is about me and my mental state. It’s time to let the past be the past and move on into the future. I can’t dwell on the “good ole days” because frankly, they weren’t all that. I can focus only on today and possibly tomorrow.

A Moment in Time

“Laila, what the hell are you doing?” “I was trying to shoot the ball!” Laila and a group of her friends were relaxing at the park on a rare beautiful day. They were playing a game of 21 and Laila and Marcus were on the same team. Laila had no idea what she was doing, but that didn’t stop her from acting like she was the best player on the court. “Look, just pass me the ball next time,” Marcus said, pushing Laila’s head. She gave him the finger as they continued the game. After successfully losing, Marcus, Laila, and her other friends decided to call it a day. They all went back to the house and decided to grab a few beers. They all sat around, watching a movie while drinking. Laila grabbed her phone when she heard it vibrate. She had a text. “What’s up beautiful?” Laila immediately blushed as she responded. “Nothing. Just relaxing with a few friends. U?” “Nothing. Just laying around. I want you.” Laila looked around to see if anyone was watching, but of course no one was paying her any attention. “Do you?” she responded. “When can we make that happen?” Laila bit her lip. “Whenever you want,” she flirted back. She anxiously waited for his response, but it never came. She put her phone down and continued to watch the movie. “Yo Laila, get me another beer.” Laila sucked her teeth. “No. Get it yourself.” “What kind of friend are you?!” Marcus yelled, overdramatically. Laila laughed and went downstairs. She went into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and pulled out two more beers. Then she felt a hand come from behind. The hand put the beers back down. Laila held her breath as she felt him come closer. She turned slightly and began to say something, but he whispered in her ear, “shhh.” He brought his lips to the nape of her neck and began to kiss softly. She moaned softly and he whispered for her to be quiet again. He then took his arm and wrapped them firmly around her waist. He continued to kiss the back of her neck. Laila tried to turn around again, but he refused. Pushing her against the counter, Laila could feel his warm hands run down her back, down to her legs and underneath her shorts. The warm massage sent Laila’s heart racing. She grabbed his hand insisting that he continued. Allowing Laila to turn slightly he began to nibble slowly on her bottom lip. This drove her wild. And he smiled as he saw her reaction. They both looked at each other and laughed again to themselves. She gave him a deep, passionate kiss. She began to tug at his jeans when she suddenly heard the door open from upstairs. They both parted as they heard someone come downstairs. “What are y’all doing? It takes that long to get some beers?” “Nah, they weren’t fully cold so we were waiting,” Laila said, handing her friend a beer. Laila turned around and handed Marcus the other beer. “I think it’s still a little warm.” This time Marcus was the one to blush as Laila went back upstairs.