Somehow this year, I’ve allowed myself to become more depressed than I’d like to admit. I’m used to dealing with my depression in various ways. I shut down, I cry, I throw myself into a project, I smoke, I drink, sometimes I’ll write, listen to music, watch a few episodes of Drag Race and be okay. But lately…I’ll do all these things and the end result is still sadness. Well sadness isn’t really the word. It’s more emptiness and anger, which I’ll break down.
Continue readingTag: Happiness
Love… It Ain’t for Everybody
Maybe I should rephrase my title a little. Love is for everybody…but relationships aren’t. (That doesn’t make for a catchy title so hence why I didn’t change it.) When it comes to relationships, I really feel like it just isn’t meant to be for everyone. The fact that people try to push relationships on others or the fact that people stay in shitty relationships just to keep up appearances proves this notion. Society makes you feel inadequate if you do not have a “bae” or someone whom you deem your MCM every Monday. If you are single and, God forbid, over 30, you’re trash. This makes people jump into relationships at the speed of light so they are not categorized. It saddens me that so many people are doing this nowadays. Speaking for myself, I fell into this sad space. I wanted to build my family and be a perfect wife because I knew I could do it. I wanted to feel what love was and have someone love me unconditionally and be able to post pics of date night and shit…then he cheated…and tried to move her in. I immediately retreated from the word love and went back into hiding. Now that time has went on, this man is still in my life. We were friends for years before and somehow just can’t shake each other. He often jokes about one day settling down with me and leaving everyone else. I laugh uneasily because I do not want this at all. I do not want the relationship…with anyone.
Let me explain how I am in relationships. I lose my entire self. I am no longer Jeanine Nicole. I am this person’s everything. His mother, his cook, his maid, his sex slave, his designer, his financial advisor. I am all his. I have nothing left to give to myself because I become consumed with making his life better. It’s a horrible trait that I have and will be damned if I fall into that trap again. Reasons why I say it’s not for everyone. Some are able to be this type of person for their mate and still be successful in their own endeavors. I am not that person. I honestly did not write for the entire time that I was with him. Writing is my air. That alone showed me that I am not equip for a relationship. I often would argue with myself when I came to the realization of this. I wasn’t upset with the fact that I didn’t want the relationship. I was more concerned with knowing that I deserved it. I deserved love. I deserved a nice beautiful wedding that I have had planned since the age of 10. I deserved a gorgeous bearded man tearing up at the thought of me being his forever. I deserved the perfect family and nice house. Saying that I am not right for relationships had me feeling like I was saying I wasn’t worthy of it. Now that I am older, I see this as completely opposite.
When it comes down to it, love comes in various forms. I feel like I have more love being shown to me since I broke up with my ex than when we were actually together. Does this mean I am settling for his bs? Hell no. But at this moment in time, I am happy with what we have. There is no pressure. There are no titles. I am focused on myself, my career, and my kids and if he wants to come over and we have amazing sex, that just happens. It’s that simple for me. After I broke up with my son’s father and was actually free of him, I went two years without even thinking about love or relationships. I had been tethered to someone emotionally since 12th grade and I was free to do as I pleased now. In those two years, I published 2 books and was the happiest I had ever been. I mean truly happy. I look at old pictures and would remember how free I was. And I envied that. Now, I am back there. I am her again. That to me matters more than a relationship or having someone’s last name.
Love is beautiful. Period. I love seeing people joining together and being truly in love and happy. It’s really an amazing thing when it happens and it is pure. But with that being said, those two are actually ready for that union to happen. They are both in a place where they are comfortable enough with their own selves to join with another. I am not there yet. And I honestly, probably never will be. This doesn’t mean I can’t have the family that I want or experience date nights. It just is on the terms that I have set for myself. I don’t need a boyfriend or husband to be happy. Sorry society. That does not equate my value. My happiness is what drives me. That is what I care about the most. Do more to make you happy and stop worrying about how others will perceive you. At the end of the day, you are the only one who gets in that casket when it is over. You are what matters. Not what others think. Figure out what works for you, with any aspect of your life, and simply do it.
Representation of Black Love
When it comes to Black love, I feel like this is the most misrepresentation in the media. When you turn on the television or the radio, you are more likely to see or hear about a Black man having a side chick or a Black woman being cheated on. You rarely see or hear about longevity in marriage or someone appreciating and loving their mate. It’s always the negative that is glorified. I have seen women discuss the norm of being a side chick and this is not okay. Do we really want our younger generation thinking that it is okay to settle for less? That it is not okay to be in a monogamous relationship? That the only thing that comes with Black love is endless fights, cheating, and baby mama/baby daddy drama? Why is this such a normal thing and where are the real relationships in the media?
As I stated before, I have yet to actually turn on the television and see a positive representation of Black love (besides Blackish). Sit back and think to yourself. The only time you see this is either a Black man or Black woman is in love with a person of a different race or the same sex. If you do see a Black couple together, they are bogged down with nothing but lies and cheating scandals. Where are the Huxtables? Where are the Banks? Where are Martin and Gina? I remember watching, “Martin,” and absolutely loving and envying their relationship together. I wanted what they had. Because of the positive representation of Black love that I grew up with, in the media, I am still able to hold on to the possibility that real love exists because it was all I saw. But think about the generation that is being brought up now. What images do they have to look up to? You have a plethora of reality shows that feature mainly Blacks, but when it comes to the relationship aspect, there is rarely anything positive. You have grown…GROWN…women fighting over men who really could care less about them and this is looked at as what you are suppose to do. You have women who are doing ridiculous things and are letting men get away with cheating and having babies on the side because they supposedly “love” them and they are “ride or die”. This is what Black love is turning into and it is absolutely ridiculous! It needs to be brought to a stop before it truly gets even more out of hand. The more that this type of representation is put out in the media for our people to see, the more it starts to set in that this is actually normal. Many people go by what they see and if all you see is this, then how will you know to do differently? If you don’t believe that marriage actually works and don’t see the real positive effects of it on a daily basis, why would you aspire to it?
When Solange and Alan Ferguson showed off their wedding photos, the internet was set on fire. There has never been such a positive image of Black love, recently, than these pictures. They show that real love is true and possible. It is a breath of fresh air in the wave of “break babies” and side chicks. To see such a beautiful experience, coming from two people of color, gave me such joy and hope that people would start to look at Black love differently. We don’t have to settle for less like they portray in the media. We don’t have to date other races to be truly treated the way that we should. Love exists in every single person. The problem is our love is being represented in the wrong way and people are starting to adapt to these behaviors. My generation is still able to remember the great Black families that were seen every day on television. The younger generation does not have that. It is up to us to bring these images back to our community. To show them the power and beauty that is in Black love. It is not always hurt and pain. Our love, Black love, is an amazing and wonderful thing when done properly. We can become so much more as a collective whole if we began to bring this type of love to the light.
Photos Courtesy: http://www.ladylindablack.blogspot.com, www.lipstickalley.com, www.usmagazine.com, http://www.thewritertj.com
Happiness
This has to be something I will forever be chasing. Excuse this post and it’s rambling effect, but I am in a blogging challenge and I am trying my best to participate wholeheartedly. But right now, I am irritated as shit and I don’t even feel like writing, but I am going to do it anyway. Basically my hang up is that word up there: Happiness. What is your definition of happiness? Have you found it? Did you ever have it and it left? How were you able to get it back? And for those who have never successfully had it, how do you achieve it?
Let me start by defining my idea of happiness. It is basically being content with every aspect of your life. You are actually able to look around and be just fine with everything that you have accomplished and whatever or whoever you have in your life. You are content with your looks, content with your living arrangements, content with your career, content with your significant other, just content with everything. That is my ideal version of happiness. Using my definition, I have never experienced happiness a day in my life. Yes, you can be happy, but I am speaking of true happiness. Being able to say, “I love my life,” and truly mean it. I have never been happy with my weight, never been happy with where I live, never been happy with the bullshit jobs that I have to keep, and never been happy with any of my significant others, except once. I know no levels of happiness and I am 27! It frustrates the hell out of me because like with everything I blame myself for this.
You cannot expect happiness to just come out of nowhere and find you. That’s what they say. But sometimes, I think otherwise. People luck up and stumble upon happiness every day. Stumble upon an amazing job, stumble upon an amazing relationship. It happens every day to other people so I often wonder why does it not happen for me? It’s like I know exactly what I want in order to be happy. Lose weight, move to New York, become a successful writer, fall in love. See…sounds pretty simple right? But no, losing weight I struggle with, which I really can say is the one thing that is kind of my fault because I give up easily. Moving to New York, of course is hard because I am a single mother. If I could do like I want, I would move up there right now and send for my kids once I was settled, but who the hell does that? I’m not Draya, I’m actually a good mother. The writing thing is one of those up and down things for me. I have all the tools necessary to be where I need to be, but fear is always holding me back. I mean, I have a book that’s been out for almost two years and how many people that I know have actually bought a copy? That in its self is draining because I go hard for everyone else, but I never get the same in return. Seeing my writing not be supported by even the people I know is hard because it is the one thing that I know brings me true happiness and I don’t want to let that go. As far as falling in love, ehh. lol.
I know that happiness is out there for me, it just pisses me off that it is so damn hard for me to find. Like, can I just have happiness in one section of my life so that I know it is something that can happen? Do I have to continuously struggle with every single thing AND take it on by myself? *sighs* Anyways, once again. This is another rambling post. I just had to get those emotions out so I can see where to go from here.
I am Jeanine Nicole 