So there was a clip floating around on Twitter where a woman said that she could be dying on the side of the road and she would still not ask her child’s father for help. The men in the clip thought she was outrageous and couldn’t believe she was saying this. But after thinking about it…I understood completely where she was coming from.Continue reading
All right…let’s get up and get Marlee together. What are we doing today? We need to get all the stuff done that involves using the laptop. Okay…so checking on Walmart orders, checking on Cayden’s school stuff, checking on Marlee’s paperwork. Wait…do I have a copy of the lease? Okay…I’ll look through the emails. Why is this girl trying to wear heels? Let me let her brush her teeth while I do her hair. Ugh I need to detangleContinue reading
Walking into this room, my body begins to shake. I whisper to myself, “You can do this.” The room is cold and damp. I walk over to the window that was left open. A cool breeze flows through. I inhale deeply. My hands tremble as I close the window shut. I glance over to my left. The bedroom. The door is halfway open. I begin to walk towards it.Continue reading
One thing that I’ve been doing during this quarantine is therapatizing myself. Is therapatizing a word? No…but ima use it lol. Among the many things, I’ve been trying to change my negativity towards relationships. I’m finding myself becoming colder and harder with this subject. I instantly reject any notion that a healthy relationship is in my future. It’s impossible…………………………….right?
Yes, I know what I deserve. I know I’m amazing and blah blah blah…but is it actually possible? My dating life is not even a thing. Completely non-existent. I will say I have at least put a little effort into it. This is how it normally goes:
“Wow…you’re beautiful. I would love to get to know more about you. Tell me something.”
“Aww thanks. Well, I like to write, I own my own natural product company, I love to cook.”
“That’s dope. Do you have any kids?”
Now, I normally don’t get upset when I don’t get a response because I get it. Three kids is a lot. Trust…I know. But damn! Can a sista get a “lol” or something before getting completely ghosted? After this happens a good 7 times, I normally say screw it and delete whatever dating app I’ve been perusing at the time.
If that isn’t the gist of the conversation, the others normally go somewhere straight sexual on their end or they are looking for someone to cheat on their wives with 🙄. With these type of results constantly happening, one would have to be insane to think anything different will ever happen.
That’s where I am with the whole thing. I’ve automatically written anyone off because it’s easier to not get hurt that way. Can’t get hurt if I already assume you’re a cheater and a liar….right?
But who wants to think like that? It’s draining and annoying asf. There has to be some sort of balance between being positive and not being stupid. But how do you get to that place? Mentally, all I know is bullshit. I’ve never been in any healthy relationships. I read certain posts on social media and find myself stumped on how actual healthy relationships exist. Even from the smallest things like a man just randomly hugging and kissing on you because he is that infatuated with you. WHAT IS THAT?!? I’ve never had it. Moments like that hit me and make me sit back and truly be honest with myself. I’ve never been in an equally yoked relationship. I know what love is simply because I have loved before. But never the other way around. If I was ever loved by someone, it was out of convenience for themselves. It was never something that was natural. It came with stipulations, drama, anger, regrets, and fear. Love…genuine love was nowhere around.
And then it hit me again. When is the last time I ever experienced true intimacy? Not something I fabricated in my head, but something real. Not something that was forced to produce forgiveness. When was the last time I had been taken care of? Been thought of? Been held? Kissed? Appreciated?
The lack of these things are the reason why I’m so quick to reject the idea of love…but is that a fair assessment? I can’t really hate on something I’ve never fully experienced. Today’s male population does not make it any easier, but my unhealthy attitude towards love doesn’t help either. I am a firm believer in you attract what you put out. I don’t purposely put out negative vibes, but it seeps through my pores so it’s inevitable that it will come out in some ways.
My biggest thing now is just trying to be fully honest with myself more and more so I can try to heal properly. No, I will not be all positive and lovey dovey the next time I speak to a guy…but I will stop automatically assuming the worst. I will trust myself in knowing that I am smarter than I was and I won’t fall for the same bs. I will trust myself to never be in those situations again. This is the lesson I need to learn!
At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my thoughts, and my intentions. Will I get hurt again? Will I find the love of my life? Who knows…but I owe it to myself to at least try vs. complaining and accepting a fate that is not even mine. If nothing else, a good story can always come out of it. 💙
Excuse the dramatics, but it is time!! I started my little garden around May. I was completely clueless on placement and what to actually plant. I just went to Home Depot and bought what was available. I watched them carefully, kept them as clean as I could, and watered them daily while fertilizing weekly. I honestly was just going with the flow and figuring things out as the days passed.
One thing I’ve learned is you definitely have to give these plants room to grow! I, mistakenly, bought a ton of cucumber and zucchini plants. These plants like to climb! They attach to whatever they can and pretty much take over the whole place. It looks like a jungle out there…but I love it.
Seeing the fruits(or veggies) of my labor is exhilarating. I feel like a mother hen checking on her babies every two seconds. My mouth drops and I blush with excitement every time I discover a new plant producing something. Here are a few pics to show you the progress. I will probably start harvesting within the next two weeks and I’ll post those results as well. 🍃🍃🍃
Anyone remember the song, “Secret Garden”? Well, thanks to my mama playing it a million times while I was growing up… this is the only thing that pops into my head when I talk about my garden. Although my garden has nothing to do with the “garden” there were referring to, it is very much a happy place for me. I am new to gardening, but now that I had more space…I was ready to create my own.Continue reading
So, I don’t know about y’all, but I am tired of eating during this quarantine. Cooking used to be something I looked forward to. I would be excited about coming up with delicious meals for the kids to devour. But now that you have to basically risk your life just to get a can of tomatoes, I’ve been over it. Combine this with recently moving to an area of town with more access to bomb fast food…cooking has been a no go.
But I am now ready to get back in the kitchen. I had to find something that would challenge and excite me. Continue reading
Today I woke up depressed…but isn’t it the New Year? Wasn’t some magical time bomb suppose to go off that instantly made 2019 my best year? Didn’t all that emotional shit get left behind at the stroke of midnight? Clearly, it did not.
Let me clarify this depression. While it isn’t the normal depression that I’m used to dealing with throughout my whole life…it still is a form that I’ve began to recognize. For the past month, I’ve been anxiously awaiting the arrival of my daughter. Is she overdue? Technically no…but when you’ve been in constant pain and the doctor mentions that you’re measuring further along and she is already very big…you get excited at the thought that she’s gonna be here sooner than you think. So I automatically go into preparation mode. I had to get everything ready for her imminent arrival. I had meal prep ideas, cleaned out my closet, everything was organized, I closed my business. I WAS READY!!! A whole ass month later…no baby. 🙄
This is when I began to notice the small signs of depression that many people ignore. I became a robot. I was literally doing the same thing every single day. Wake up, drop the boys off at school, go to work, pick them up from school, go back to work, come home, cook, watch Bobs Burgers, and go to sleep by 9. This was my routine. When the weekend came…I was lost. I didn’t know what to do nor did I want to do anything. I would literally just lay on the couch and see how much pain I could withstand before it was time for bed. For me, the pain meant she was still possibly coming. (Clear negative)
The week before Christmas, I magically could feel no pain. I was able to walk again. Finally!! She was coming. I Googled a bunch of herbs and foods to see how we could speed this along and went for it. It felt like it was working…she was going to be here soon…I COULD FEEL IT! I went to the doctor, knowing they were gonna tell me I was at least dilated. But again…more unanswered questions and just the same ole “lets see what the specialist says next week.” MORE WAITING!
For a person with anxiety, waiting is the worst thing that could ever be told to them. You literally want me to wait three days to see IF she can be induced? Why can’t we just get this over today? What am I suppose to do with my life until then?? So, I went home and did nothing. I slept. I didn’t engage with anyone. My mind didn’t think about anything but when will she come? I would wake up in the middle of the night wondering if my water broke, how would I react? This was consuming me.
The final straw was New Year’s Eve. I was prepared to sleep at 9 as usual. My kids were good. I put on some music to clear my head and laid down. And then my idiot neighbors commenced a 4 hour firework show in our backyard. I’ve been irritated before and normally just got over it, but this time I couldn’t. I started crying until it was somewhat over. I wondered why was I even crying over something so small and realized I just wanted to sleep and get to the next day. A day closer to her being born. I woke up the next morning, went to the bathroom, laid down figuring out how I would spend this day off and was shocked as tears rolled down my eyes. Wtf?? It’s a new year and I don’t think this is allowed. What was I crying for? I wanted my hair done but I knew I was going to be too exhausted and mentally drained to do it. I wanted to feel cute but I knew I would just end my day feeling pregnant again. Nothing was going to be accomplished today.
That’s what clicked. The only accomplishment I was focused on was delivering this baby. Nothing else mattered. For the past two months, this has been my only focus. I hadn’t been able to wrap my mind around anything else. This was a state of depression, but in a completely different form. And how was I going to combat it? I mean, I can’t just make her come out. It is a horrible waiting game so where do I go from here? Normally I would drink, smoke and start with a clear head. But that can’t be done. I could get out the house but the issue would still be looming and waiting for me when I walked back in the door.
So, the only thing I could think of was to write. 🤷🏾♀️ It’s always been my go to. Even if what I’m writing makes no sense. I’m getting the thoughts out of my head for the moment. It’s the one release that always works for me. I’m sure many will read this and not understand a thing I’m going through…and that’s fine. I never write for anyone but me. It is my therapy that I just happen to share with the world. That is the one thing I know will never change in this new year. Depression and anxiety will always be a part of me. No matter what. The biggest takeaway is that I recognize it and learn how to curb it so it is manageable. It never goes away. But it doesn’t have to be life consuming either.
And even if I’m pregnant for the rest of my life, medically impossible but mentally I feel it can happen 😂, I will have to just chalk it up. I can’t control everything. The anxiety will have to just deal. She’s in control and not me. C’est la vie. ❤️
S/N: STOP ASKING PREGNANT WOMEN IF THEY ARE STILL PREGNANT! Also…what kind of magical potion are these celebs taking because everyone has had their baby, but me 😩😂. ✌🏾
Okay, so we all know that season 9 has been full of let downs, horrible edits, and lackluster lip syncs. But this week was finally the week we all have been waiting for. SNATCH GAME!!! Now, if you are unfamiliar, snatch game is where the queens dress up like famous celebs and impersonate them. It is honestly my favorite episode of every season…except this one. For some reason, it just didn’t have that spark that it normally does. It didn’t seem like everyone had much camera time and I barely knew who a few of the girls were.
Here are a few pics from the game:
Now, here is the quick rundown of the ladies and my thoughts:
Trinity–(Amanda Lepore) Breast plate
Sasha–(Marlene Dietrich) Weird, but I’m here for it
Aja–(Alyssa Edwards) not funny…facial expressions
Nina–(Jasmine Masters) Perfect makeup and attitude
Alexis–(Liza Minnelli) hilarious
Peppermint–(Nene Leakes) horrible! Talking too much and stumbling
Valentina–(Miss Colombia) surprisingly funny
Shea Coulee–(Naomi Campbell) glamorous
Cynthia Lee–(Sofia Vergara) all over the place
Farrah–(Gigi Gorgeous) blah
Nina Bo’Nina Angry Black Woman Brown definitely kicked it up a notch with her impersonation of Jasmine Masters. Her voice was perfect, attitude and look was down pact. I think even Jasmine would be able to say at least one thing good about this performance. Shea Coulee’s makeup was flawless and she was an exceptional Naomi. Not overly funny, but just the right timing. Valentina was my underdog for this show because I was a little worried about her making Miss Colombia actually funny. But she did it in a way that was not too dramatic but, definitely kept me laughing. Alexis was great as Liza…but unfortunately, she looked too much like Roxxxy Andrews for me to fully concentrate.
Now for the negative. I didn’t get Aja and her take on Alyssa Edwards. She was too focused on weird facial expressions and didn’t make a connection to the character. I have no idea who Sasha was playing, but she was dark, but tolerable. Farrah was boring and Cynthia was basically herself…which was horrible and awkward. Trinity was someone who I didn’t know. She had a few jokes, but I hated that I could see her breast plate! Come on queen. Those are basic no-nos. And Peppermint…lord. No explanation…just gifs.
The runway was dedicated to Madonna and the looks were incredible. AND IT WAS FINALLY A FULL RUNWAY!! Best look for me, hands down, was Sasha. Valentina’s look was bold (where the hell did she tuck that??), but simple.
There was a double “Bitch Stole My Look” moment between Trinity and Nina and Peppermint and Shea. You be the judge, but Trinity and Shea won for me.
In the bottom two, Cynthia and Peppermint went head to head and Peppermint turnt it out!!! She made me a huge fan just off of that performance. Just please! NO MOE PINK!!
Now, when it comes to this season’s snatch game, I don’t think it was that much time placed on it. There was no real workroom interaction between the girls, the camera time was limited, and I think there were only three questions asked. There was more time focused on “Therapy Makeup Moment” when Peppermint came out as a trans woman. I just want more focus on the actual drag and not everything else, but it seems like we are getting closer. My top three are still Nina, Shea, and Sasha and I am so ready for Aja, Trinity, and Farrah to go home. Who were some of your faves and why?
Okay, so I woke up this morning and checked Twitter like I religiously do to make sure the world has not been destroyed. Donald Trump hasn’t completely screwed up so all looks well. Then I see a RT about Fyre Festival and some man begging for help. Putting on my FBI hat, I started to follow his tweets and finally found the hashtag for the festival. Continue reading