Honesty

One thing that I’ve been doing during this quarantine is therapatizing myself. Is therapatizing a word? No…but ima use it lol. Among the many things, I’ve been trying to change my negativity towards relationships. I’m finding myself becoming colder and harder with this subject. I instantly reject any notion that a healthy relationship is in my future. It’s impossible…………………………….right?

Yes, I know what I deserve. I know I’m amazing and blah blah blah…but is it actually possible? My dating life is not even a thing. Completely non-existent. I will say I have at least put a little effort into it. This is how it normally goes:

“Wow…you’re beautiful. I would love to get to know more about you. Tell me something.”

“Aww thanks. Well, I like to write, I own my own natural product company, I love to cook.”

“That’s dope. Do you have any kids?”

“Yes. 3.”

*tumbleweeds*

Now, I normally don’t get upset when I don’t get a response because I get it. Three kids is a lot. Trust…I know. But damn! Can a sista get a “lol” or something before getting completely ghosted? After this happens a good 7 times, I normally say screw it and delete whatever dating app I’ve been perusing at the time.

If that isn’t the gist of the conversation, the others normally go somewhere straight sexual on their end or they are looking for someone to cheat on their wives with 🙄. With these type of results constantly happening, one would have to be insane to think anything different will ever happen.

That’s where I am with the whole thing. I’ve automatically written anyone off because it’s easier to not get hurt that way. Can’t get hurt if I already assume you’re a cheater and a liar….right?

But who wants to think like that? It’s draining and annoying asf. There has to be some sort of balance between being positive and not being stupid. But how do you get to that place? Mentally, all I know is bullshit. I’ve never been in any healthy relationships. I read certain posts on social media and find myself stumped on how actual healthy relationships exist. Even from the smallest things like a man just randomly hugging and kissing on you because he is that infatuated with you. WHAT IS THAT?!? I’ve never had it. Moments like that hit me and make me sit back and truly be honest with myself. I’ve never been in an equally yoked relationship. I know what love is simply because I have loved before. But never the other way around. If I was ever loved by someone, it was out of convenience for themselves. It was never something that was natural. It came with stipulations, drama, anger, regrets, and fear. Love…genuine love was nowhere around.

And then it hit me again. When is the last time I ever experienced true intimacy? Not something I fabricated in my head, but something real. Not something that was forced to produce forgiveness. When was the last time I had been taken care of? Been thought of? Been held? Kissed? Appreciated?

The lack of these things are the reason why I’m so quick to reject the idea of love…but is that a fair assessment? I can’t really hate on something I’ve never fully experienced. Today’s male population does not make it any easier, but my unhealthy attitude towards love doesn’t help either. I am a firm believer in you attract what you put out. I don’t purposely put out negative vibes, but it seeps through my pores so it’s inevitable that it will come out in some ways.

My biggest thing now is just trying to be fully honest with myself more and more so I can try to heal properly. No, I will not be all positive and lovey dovey the next time I speak to a guy…but I will stop automatically assuming the worst. I will trust myself in knowing that I am smarter than I was and I won’t fall for the same bs. I will trust myself to never be in those situations again. This is the lesson I need to learn!

At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my thoughts, and my intentions. Will I get hurt again? Will I find the love of my life? Who knows…but I owe it to myself to at least try vs. complaining and accepting a fate that is not even mine. If nothing else, a good story can always come out of it. 💙

Sweet Potatoes…The Healthy Starch

sweetpotatoesWhen it comes to healthy eating, it can be hard to find ways to implement healthier options into your diet. For me, I have never been a sweet potato girl. It always tasted a little weird to me unless it was in pie form. But, I then realized that when cooked properly and seasoned, they are amazing. I literally, eat them at least twice a week. Sweet potatoes are full of wonderful health benefits. They are packed with Viatmins B6, C, D, and best of all, iron. They are a great source of potassium and magnesium, and also are not the overly sweet food that will have you in a coma just minutes after consuming. More importantly, they are versatile. You can turn them into fries, roast them, or even bake a full one and eat like a regular potato. My favorite is simply pan roasting them, like home fries. They are crunchy, spicy, sweet, and a perfect healthy addition to any meal.

IMG_9951Here is what I do:

  1. First, take one sweet potato(more if you are cooking for others), and peel it. Once it is peeled, dice it into little squares.
  2. This is the important step to achieve the crunchiness of the potato. Take the diced potatoes and put them in a container with a lid or plastic wrap covering and stick it in the microwave. I do for about 6 minutes, making sure you can stick a fork through them and they are soft. Soft…not mushy.
  3. Once you have done this, you want to heat up your pan with some olive oil. I prefer grape seed oil because it adds a little more flavor to it.
  4. While the oil is heating up, add your seasoning to potatoes before adding to the pan. I like to add kosher salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes. I add in fresh garlic and lemon juice towards the end of cooking.
  5. Once the pan is hot, add the potatoes evenly and let them sit. Too much stirring will not give you the crunchy exterior, but properly watch them so they do not burn.
  6. Since they are already precooked, you are really just looking to get the crispiness of the potato so it should take only 10-12 minutes. Don’t forget to add in your garlic and lemon juice towards the end of cooking.

And there you go! A delicious and healthy side that pairs well with almost anything. Low in calories and packed with nutrients, sweet potatoes are a must have in any healthy diet.

Photo credit: http://www.en.wikipedia.org and Jeanine Nicole.

November’s Artist Spotlight: Frankd Robinson

12188447_10208513796750985_1605742381_nI came across this amazing artist on Facebook and was immediately drawn to his bold and unique work. I loved how he reconstituted every day material to make his art pop and the “in your face” message behind the pieces. Born in Memphis, Tennessee, Robinson’s art tells a story with a black narrative that is stunning and moving. He wants to bring his audience on a journey that will have them opening their eyes and minds to a world they have never seen before.

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1. How did you get started in your craft?

As a kid, I always would draw and color, it’s just something that came naturally.

2. What is something that inspires you to stay motivated?

Life inspires me. Living is the ultimate inspiration.

3. Where do you see yourself and your craft 5 years from now?

Hopefully alive and creating.

4. What sets you apart in your craft from others?

My work speaks for itself…it doesn’t look, feel, or have the same tone as most works. I feel like it’s coming from a different time & space…it’s NewHope4NoHope!!!12204116_10208513731109344_974758965_o12207826_10208513768710284_1542729770_n

5. What do you love the most about your craft?

I love doing it! It has become my hope, my strength, my physician that heals me…my work is what heals me!!! There is so much passion & emotions in the work that keeps me in my right mind!

6. What is the main thing you want people to learn or to get from your craft?

I’m telling stories of black folks of this day & time. I’m speaking for the voiceless. My work is about healing…”LoveNeverFAILS”, “TheYearOfHEALING”, “IwishWeLivedInAbetterWorLd”, “Don’tPunishMeWithBrutaLity”, “Driven2tears”, “LoveCannotFAIL”, “#disposabLeArt”, “#theBeautiFuLstruggLe,” “BeYondThisPLaceOfWrathe&tears”, “LoomButTheHorrorsOfTheShade”, and “YetTheMenaceOfTheYesrsFinds&shaLLfindMeUNafraid”

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7. Are there any upcoming projects that you want to share?

This has been a big year for me. “MyLifeHasVALUE&weWearTheMask” was at Prairie View A&M. It then went to Jackson State University and now, it’s showing at Tougaloo College. “TheYearOfHEALING” is at the Memphis Theological Seminary and “NewHopeNoHope” was at the Midtown Crossing Grill. I have a show at DeSaVu restaurant and I also have works displayed at the Office at Uptown in Downtown Memphis and at the Caritas village in Bing Hampton.

8. Where can people go to check out more of your work?

Facebook: Frankd.Robinson. You can check out the work and if interested on purchasing, just inbox.

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Unleashed

1

Strip me down bare
Reveal these tortured walls
Let me rest inside of you
Or better yet you inside of me
Choke those inner feelings
Exhale these doubtful dreams
Caress the curves of my unspoken truth

Embrace my silent mentality
Kiss away my fears
Whisper silent prayers in my ears
Grab my soul
Command my attention
Cause sweet seizures to my spine
Harden my mind
Moisten my heart
Awaken every inch of my life
Strip me down bare
Reveal these tortured walls
Make love to my single being

The Girl Who Stood Alone

1

You see that smile
One of my greatest feats yet
Smiling through pain
Over 20 years in and still
Going
You see the girl behind that smile
No one wants to meet
No one cares about
That girl is everyone’s plan b
Put on the back burner
Time and time again.
You see everyone loves
That smile she carries
But no one knows of the pain behind it.
The sadness. The hurt. The
Longing for this life to be over.
What’s the point of living to be disappointed day in and day out?
What’s the point of living to constantly be rejected?
But she can’t let anyone see this.
She has to keep that forced front up.
That hardness…that shell.
Happiness evades her…but sadness overwhelms.
Tears come easy while laughs are forced.
Often alone…the darkness is her friend.
But when it’s time to go out, the show begins.
Makeup to cover the scars of rejection,
Lipstick to cover the anguish of heartbreak.
Foundation to cover a face to unfamiliar for her.
In the light, she is joyful…witty
But if they only knew the girl behind that smile.
A girl that only herself can confront…comfort on brinks of breakdowns.
A girl that carries the weight of her world on her own shoulders.
But no one cares.
That smile…so beautiful and bright…
But only if you could see her at night.

Blaze

1

I normally don’t smoke…alone
But you’re gone so here it goes.
But with each hit, I realize my reality…
You’re gone…I’m here…
Again.
I lost myself in you and
It wasn’t enough.
You left me hazy like this
Green apple kush I’m blazin.
Had me on cloud nine
Every single orgasmic time.
That smile, those eyes, that mindset
You had me.
But like this blunt…
The spark has died out.
See, if I inhale hard enough
I can light it again.
But is it worth the pain…the stress?
Or should I just let it go?
Remember the intoxication and save it for another lifetime?
But unlike this blunt…
I can’t get enough.
You.
I need all of you.
Not just a few puffs of pleasure.
I need it all.
But it hits me again…
My reality.
I search for my lighter
Getting higher and higher
“Bitch don’t kill my vibe”
Blasting higher and higher.
Inhaling, transforming
No more reality.

Soulmates

1

I would sell my soul
Just so you could no longer
Hold it in your grasp
Just so I could be released from you.
You have done more than capture my soul,
You have completely taken it over.
I am wielded to do your every desires
But it is not by force, but by love
This effortless stream of love
The type of love that comes like breathing
While others second guess it,
I think nothing of it.
But this is because you have me completely
Body, mind, and soul.
So taboo, yet so right.
My sweet soul snatcher,
You have me in your grasps.
The power of our worlds never seem to end.
It’s like our energies seek one another, no matter what realm we are in.
You find me
And I find you.
Our bodies seem to gravitate closer and closer.
A rush of electrons flow through my body.
This connection…so rare…so wrong.
Praying for some type of release, but what do you do when he has a hold of something so precious?
Something not so easily given?
I’ll just lay here in the moonlight
As your spirit calls out to mines.
A quick blush runs over me.
This is more than love.
Soul…mates…

Broken Heart, Unstable Mind

1

They ask what’s wrong and I laugh it off.
Come up with lies about stress, work, kids.
But the truth is I only have two problems…a broken heart and an unstable mind.
This broken feeling comes and goes.
One minute I’m fine,
flirting with the beautiful man in line.
But then the next,
I’m in tears
Staring at the ceiling.
The empty dark space begins to fill my entirety.
I am paralyzed at the thought.
Another broken heart.
I’ve only had one other in all my life.
The recovery for that took years upon years.
Hence my sadness.
Hence my pain.
Knowing I have to undo feelings and moments.
Having to undo passionate memories.
Act as if you meant nothing…still mean nothing.
That’s where the instability kicks in.
I hate you.
I love you.
I miss you.
Fuck you.
I need you.
I want to kill you.
And let me be quite clear, killing seems so bliss.
The thought of jamming a knife straight through your back…
Karma engulfing me as her bitch.
Seeing the blood ooze out, like these tears I cry.
Hearing you writhe in pain as I do some nights.
Seeing you take your last breath,
leaving you breathless as you used to leave me.
Standing over you, overpowering you,
controlling you for once in my life.
But then I take a moment.
Realizing it is not worth my time.
I become angry with myself for allowing you to constantly consume my mind.
Shit,
I’m pissed right now for allowing my pen to give you life.
They say if you are loved by a writer,
you live forever.
Your legacy being inked through my trails of therapy.
It’s like you still have the control.
I can’t heal if I don’t write.
I can’t write if I am healed.
So once again you still give me life.
You still give me moments.
You still give me peace
and joy
and laughter.
Still this lifetime of a broken heart and an unstable mind.

A Single Mother’s Thoughts

It is officially almost 2:00 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I am officially tired of it all. I know you are thinking…well if you are tired then you should be able to sleep. No…not really. I am tired of the bs that the other parent puts out there. My oldest son’s father has recently entered the picture again and he has been nothing but a text messaging parent. Whenever there is an event or anything…we receive text messages. Whenever my son wants to see him…we receive text messages on how he can’t make it happen at the time. Sooo…yesterday was his father’s birthday and we know how we are for our birthday… we take the day off, we have special shit planned, we got out for this specific day. Why was there no type of contact for my son? Why was there no mention of trying to see him, especially since he is out of school on this day as well? Am I tripping or is he just really in that comfortable stage of not doing shit?

I try my hardest to not be THAT baby mama. I barely get child support…we never see him…I am stuck with all the responsibility and yet I keep my mouth close. Something that is very hard to do right now. You see, I am at a breaking point. I am waking up feeling no longer like myself. Like I don’t even want to be a part of this world and yet, here I am. I do not have the option of saying, “I cannot do it,” when it comes to my kids. I don’t have the luxury of saying, “I am busy,” or “I am tired.” This doesn’t work on my end. While I am forced to live out my consequences of bad decisions and also try to learn about myself, I am stuck in a horrible place. I am 29 and just learning the best parts of me and yet, I have never been so unhappy in my entire life. I feel like it is being shut out because of my everyday responsibilities while the other half is just able to text in “have a good night” and live their life. I often feel bad because of my jealousy, but do I not have that right? Should I not be upset because I am taking on the full responsibility of someone who is half of me? I would always beat myself up because I would often wish that I had my kids later. But is that not a normal response to a young adult? I literally cannot even go out to grab dinner or a drink with someone because of my responsibilities. I am losing myself in this all and when I look for support, I get nothing. “Well, you shouldn’t have had kids so young.” “You should’ve thought about that then.” So, I am to be punished for my whole life for a simple error that I made when I was young? Forget the absentee parent. They can do whatever the fuck they want…but we are going to continue to make the parent who is actually involved in the child’s life…the one that is there at every second of the day suffer? No, there will be no nights off…there will be no social times with others…you will suffer abundantly…while the absentee parent lives their life carefree. Why is this?

I love my kids…more than I love myself because honestly, I am over this world and would love to be rid of it. But, I am tired. I am tired of holding this burden on my own. Tired of realizing my own dreams and having to pushing them to the side to make room for theirs. Tired of working stupid ass jobs just to keep the lights on when I want to see what lays ahead for my own career. Tired of being the only one who answers the call. Tired of being the one who wakes up, gets them dressed, off to school, then off to work, picks them up, cooks dinner, checks homework, goes back to work, finishes her own homework, and passes out before 10:00pm. What life is this? I AM FUCKING TIRED! But what choice do I have? I can’t do anything but write a sad blog about these issues, cry, drink, and suck it up. Oh and let’s not even talk about the one thing I could do to sort of have a release, drinking, has me totally turned off. I literally turn my nose up at a drink now so there goes that outlet. This is the life I choose and it is what it is. Is it fair? Fuck no…but no one else sees it as that. I can do nothing, but pray for some happiness and solace when I wake up because as a single mother…my head and my thoughts are the worst place to be.