Tag: life

Honesty

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One thing that I’ve been doing during this quarantine is therapatizing myself. Is therapatizing a word? No…but ima use it lol. Among the many things, I’ve been trying to change my negativity towards relationships. I’m finding myself becoming colder and harder with this subject. I instantly reject any notion that a healthy relationship is in my future. It’s impossible…………………………….right?

Yes, I know what I deserve. I know I’m amazing and blah blah blah…but is it actually possible? My dating life is not even a thing. Completely non-existent. I will say I have at least put a little effort into it. This is how it normally goes:

“Wow…you’re beautiful. I would love to get to know more about you. Tell me something.”

“Aww thanks. Well, I like to write, I own my own natural product company, I love to cook.”

“That’s dope. Do you have any kids?”

“Yes. 3.”

*tumbleweeds*

Now, I normally don’t get upset when I don’t get a response because I get it. Three kids is a lot. Trust…I know. But damn! Can a sista get a “lol” or something before getting completely ghosted? After this happens a good 7 times, I normally say screw it and delete whatever dating app I’ve been perusing at the time.

If that isn’t the gist of the conversation, the others normally go somewhere straight sexual on their end or they are looking for someone to cheat on their wives with 🙄. With these type of results constantly happening, one would have to be insane to think anything different will ever happen.

That’s where I am with the whole thing. I’ve automatically written anyone off because it’s easier to not get hurt that way. Can’t get hurt if I already assume you’re a cheater and a liar….right?

But who wants to think like that? It’s draining and annoying asf. There has to be some sort of balance between being positive and not being stupid. But how do you get to that place? Mentally, all I know is bullshit. I’ve never been in any healthy relationships. I read certain posts on social media and find myself stumped on how actual healthy relationships exist. Even from the smallest things like a man just randomly hugging and kissing on you because he is that infatuated with you. WHAT IS THAT?!? I’ve never had it. Moments like that hit me and make me sit back and truly be honest with myself. I’ve never been in an equally yoked relationship. I know what love is simply because I have loved before. But never the other way around. If I was ever loved by someone, it was out of convenience for themselves. It was never something that was natural. It came with stipulations, drama, anger, regrets, and fear. Love…genuine love was nowhere around.

And then it hit me again. When is the last time I ever experienced true intimacy? Not something I fabricated in my head, but something real. Not something that was forced to produce forgiveness. When was the last time I had been taken care of? Been thought of? Been held? Kissed? Appreciated?

The lack of these things are the reason why I’m so quick to reject the idea of love…but is that a fair assessment? I can’t really hate on something I’ve never fully experienced. Today’s male population does not make it any easier, but my unhealthy attitude towards love doesn’t help either. I am a firm believer in you attract what you put out. I don’t purposely put out negative vibes, but it seeps through my pores so it’s inevitable that it will come out in some ways.

My biggest thing now is just trying to be fully honest with myself more and more so I can try to heal properly. No, I will not be all positive and lovey dovey the next time I speak to a guy…but I will stop automatically assuming the worst. I will trust myself in knowing that I am smarter than I was and I won’t fall for the same bs. I will trust myself to never be in those situations again. This is the lesson I need to learn!

At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my thoughts, and my intentions. Will I get hurt again? Will I find the love of my life? Who knows…but I owe it to myself to at least try vs. complaining and accepting a fate that is not even mine. If nothing else, a good story can always come out of it. 💙

The Jig is Up

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Remember when we were growing up and the main thing that everyone said was that once you get out of college your life is going to be amazing? As long as you did your best, studied, didn’t party(who listened to that?), and didn’t get pregnant, you would be on the fast track to your perfect life. Who the hell made up these lies??? Why weren’t we taught the truth in high school about real life and real problems? Guess what society…the jig is all the way up!

When I was younger, I always said that I would be married and have two kids by 24. I had other career goals, but this was really what I was focusing on as I prepared for life after high school. Because of this, I had two fast and shitty relationships and thus, my two sons were produced. I didn’t understand the concept of dating and living life without children early. This was nowhere in my vocabulary because this wasn’t the idea that was sold to me coming out of high school. We all see the movies of the college sweethearts struggling through college, getting married, and having a pretty good life. That was all I wanted and yet, that’s not at all what I got. I often wonder if I was shown a different type of idea or notion of living… if the end all wasn’t kids and a husband, where would I be right now? I was a young mother so I never got to partake in late night clubbing or random dates or the ability to just walk out of the house and go wherever I wanted. I envy that freedom that those who are childless have. I envy those who are able to fully figure out who they are instead of trying to figure it out at the same time as figuring out another different way to prepare chicken so your kids will actually eat it. That lack of being able to accomplish this makes me understand why there are so many unhappy people in the world. Yes, your kids are a blessing, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to be upset in the manner that it is affecting your life.

I feel like high school should really prepare people for the real world…the REAL WORLD! Not the made up one. Tell the truth. College is not a necessity in some(majority) careers. It’s just one of those things that people are used to doing right after high school. Don’t get me wrong. If you want to go to college, then by all means go…just don’t be surprised if you are 30+ not working in your field because of lack of experience. This is what I mean. They don’t tell you those things. After you graduate, they make it seem like life is going to be amazing and you’re going to be working in your field and making big bucks. WRONG(Charlie Murphy voice). It is simply not true. When I was 19-20, I always knew I would be rich by 30. I was going to be settled in my career and doing it big. I’m 29 and nowhere near that. Is it lack of hard work? No. It is the harsh reality of life. Shit happens. Instead of selling this preposterous dream, I wish that they would have equipped me with the truth and ways to handle/overcome it.

You wanna know the truth? The truth is you are not going to be where you want to be at the age of 30. It’s just not going to happen. You are going to find yourself inadequate in some form or fashion, whether it is career, self, relationships, living situation, etc. You are going to likely struggle to find work in your field and may have to end up working in a completely different field just to make ends meet, especially if you have children. You are not going to be in the best relationship of your life. Most are not even married at this age or working on their second one. It is not the end of the world. Explore life and your options. You may get lucky, you may not. It is okay. Now, some of these things may happen to others and some times it may not, the point is that majority of the time it doesn’t. You will not know it all by the time you are 30. You have to understand that life is really just beginning and you need to be okay with that. Don’t let the fake dream that they sell to you in high school determine your future and your outcome. Everyone’s journey is a different one. Learn how to walk your own and not compare it to anything else. Be smart, see the jig for what it is, find peace, and make it work for you. 🙂

Photo credits: http://www.brainlesstales.com

Refocus

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“You’re becoming the woman you’ve always despised. Please stop.”

This was the text message that he sent me. I was on the phone having, yet another, Dr. Phil session with my best friend. I think he was fed up with my foolishness and finally decided to let me have it. It was funny because as soon as I read those words something instantly clicked inside of me. I understood exactly what he meant. I had become that woman. That woman who complained about her guy every two seconds but constantly went back to him. That woman who allowed someone else to fully take over their emotions and control their mood. That woman who constantly let them back in and made excuses for their actions. That woman who contemplated being the other woman just for a moment of happiness. I was that woman. The woman I hated…laughed at…felt sorry for. I was her. This instantly made me realize that something had to change. But for it to change, I had to realize how I became that woman so that I would never become her again.

If you follow me on social media, you probably have seen the ups and downs that my ex and I have gone through. Finally, on my own, the unthinkable happened. I became pregnant. I was back in his grasp again. Even with him being totally against it, I was still connected, in some way to him and he was okay with that. I was still there for him, sexually and financially and most important, emotionally. We were there for each other. But, fate would happen and I had a miscarriage. As hurt as I was, and still am, I saw this as a new lease on life. I was ready to get back out there and live again. But, it was hard. I mean, I loved this man and he was one of my closest friends. He was one of those people that I hated but when he came around we always had an amazing time. It was something I wasn’t ready to give up. When my friend gave me the advice he gave me, it made me look at our situation in a different light. I don’t have to give up my friendship with him. We can still hang out and be there for each other, BUT I needed to stop with the dependency. I have never…NEVER NEVER NEVER…. been a dependent woman. I had my own place at 18, single mother at 20…I have never needed a man for anything, except one thing, and that was it. I was the type to have my fun and live my life. Never dependent on a man to give me happiness and fulfillment. My friend saw the opposite happening and this is why he said what he said. I was completely losing myself.

With that being said, there is nothing like liberation. Liberation is the act of setting someone free from imprisonment, slavery, or oppression. This feeling is amplified when you liberate yourself. When you free yourself from all the bullshit and the lies. When you are able to look at yourself and be completely honest. Yes, you were that woman…that stupid, dumb ass, woman. Yes, you were in love…that’s okay, but you cannot be her right now. You cannot have that life right now. You cannot have the relationship and the additional kids and the “Suzy Homemaker” lifestyle. It’s okay. It’s not time for that. It is time to live! It is time to get to know other people and go places and explore this world. I used to harp on the friendships that I have lost over the years, but then I realized that God is just making space for new people. Doesn’t mean those friends were not important to me at the time, but they are not important or necessary for this new process of my life. AND THAT IS OKAY. Too often do we equate moving on to never caring. It is not true. I can move on from my ex and that does not mean that those feelings were not real. It means that I am recognizing that there is nothing there, I deserve better, and I am moving on. Staying stagnant is pretty much death in my eyes because you are not living life. You are just there…taking up space. Staying stagnant will kill you. I was not put here for that. I will be 30 in two years…please someone call the old folks home and set me up a room. I refuse to be in this same place at that age. I know others always say your 30s are when you start coming into your career…no fuck that(excuse the harshness)! I have known what I wanted to do since the age of 5…5!!! There is no excuse for me not being exactly where I want to be by that age. The problem is focusing on the wrong things. Focusing on the life that I keep trying to give myself that is not for me. My life was never meant to be mediocre. I refuse to turn into that woman again and try to make it. I am liberating myself of that mental state. I vow to only live in the moment. To only live for what’s right in front of me. To only focus on my life, my family, my career. This is what I will put my energy into. The extra will come and go, but it will not dictate my happiness and my focus. It is time to stop giving yourself to everyone else and give yourself to you. You are the only one who is living your life. No one else. Do what brings you joy and prosperity and say FUCK YOU to everyone else that brings otherwise. At the end of the day, your life is your own. Make it what YOU want.