Walking into this room, my body begins to shake. I whisper to myself, “You can do this.” The room is cold and damp. I walk over to the window that was left open. A cool breeze flows through. I inhale deeply. My hands tremble as I close the window shut. I glance over to my left. The bedroom. The door is halfway open. I begin to walk towards it.Continue reading
One thing that I’ve been doing during this quarantine is therapatizing myself. Is therapatizing a word? No…but ima use it lol. Among the many things, I’ve been trying to change my negativity towards relationships. I’m finding myself becoming colder and harder with this subject. I instantly reject any notion that a healthy relationship is in my future. It’s impossible…………………………….right?
Yes, I know what I deserve. I know I’m amazing and blah blah blah…but is it actually possible? My dating life is not even a thing. Completely non-existent. I will say I have at least put a little effort into it. This is how it normally goes:
“Wow…you’re beautiful. I would love to get to know more about you. Tell me something.”
“Aww thanks. Well, I like to write, I own my own natural product company, I love to cook.”
“That’s dope. Do you have any kids?”
Now, I normally don’t get upset when I don’t get a response because I get it. Three kids is a lot. Trust…I know. But damn! Can a sista get a “lol” or something before getting completely ghosted? After this happens a good 7 times, I normally say screw it and delete whatever dating app I’ve been perusing at the time.
If that isn’t the gist of the conversation, the others normally go somewhere straight sexual on their end or they are looking for someone to cheat on their wives with 🙄. With these type of results constantly happening, one would have to be insane to think anything different will ever happen.
That’s where I am with the whole thing. I’ve automatically written anyone off because it’s easier to not get hurt that way. Can’t get hurt if I already assume you’re a cheater and a liar….right?
But who wants to think like that? It’s draining and annoying asf. There has to be some sort of balance between being positive and not being stupid. But how do you get to that place? Mentally, all I know is bullshit. I’ve never been in any healthy relationships. I read certain posts on social media and find myself stumped on how actual healthy relationships exist. Even from the smallest things like a man just randomly hugging and kissing on you because he is that infatuated with you. WHAT IS THAT?!? I’ve never had it. Moments like that hit me and make me sit back and truly be honest with myself. I’ve never been in an equally yoked relationship. I know what love is simply because I have loved before. But never the other way around. If I was ever loved by someone, it was out of convenience for themselves. It was never something that was natural. It came with stipulations, drama, anger, regrets, and fear. Love…genuine love was nowhere around.
And then it hit me again. When is the last time I ever experienced true intimacy? Not something I fabricated in my head, but something real. Not something that was forced to produce forgiveness. When was the last time I had been taken care of? Been thought of? Been held? Kissed? Appreciated?
The lack of these things are the reason why I’m so quick to reject the idea of love…but is that a fair assessment? I can’t really hate on something I’ve never fully experienced. Today’s male population does not make it any easier, but my unhealthy attitude towards love doesn’t help either. I am a firm believer in you attract what you put out. I don’t purposely put out negative vibes, but it seeps through my pores so it’s inevitable that it will come out in some ways.
My biggest thing now is just trying to be fully honest with myself more and more so I can try to heal properly. No, I will not be all positive and lovey dovey the next time I speak to a guy…but I will stop automatically assuming the worst. I will trust myself in knowing that I am smarter than I was and I won’t fall for the same bs. I will trust myself to never be in those situations again. This is the lesson I need to learn!
At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my thoughts, and my intentions. Will I get hurt again? Will I find the love of my life? Who knows…but I owe it to myself to at least try vs. complaining and accepting a fate that is not even mine. If nothing else, a good story can always come out of it. 💙
Couples Dating and Living Together…yay or nay?
Shacking up. The legendary term coined by black grandmothers describing unwed couples who lived together. This was something that was looked down on and at one point, never happened. But this day, more than half of couples live together before entertaining the thought of marriage. Why was this such a taboo thing to do back then and why has it become the norm now?
For me, I believe that most older people believed in the tradition and idea of marriage. They believed in a woman being very docile and the man being very dominant, but respectful. They believed in the man and woman not kissing or having sexual interaction while dating. So if that is the case, living together is a definite no while dating. Flip it to today and it is the complete opposite. People are a lot freer with themselves and traditions have gone out the window. Most people when asked have at one point lived or had their significant other living with them.
I have dabbled with shacking with two of my boyfriends and honestly, it is something I would encourage any couple to do. But only when they have hit that serious stage. Living with your mate has a lot of benefits, such as double income, always having someone around when you need them, and getting to know that person’s quirks and learning how to adjust. A lot of problems that happen in marriage could be prevented if the couple just lived together and had the opportunity to learn how to work through it. Or leave if it’s something they can’t handle. Being married makes it a little harder to just leave, so many people stay unhappy for years.
Lately, my boyfriend and I have not been living together. It’s not by choice, but it’s been that way for about 6 months, off and on. When we first started dating, we always were in the same place, but now that I have had this break from living with him, it feels a little different. Dare I say…nice. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my man to death, but I understand why some people would prefer it. You have your own space when needed and you get the chance to miss your partner. That’s the best part. The excitement of finally being able to plan something and spend time with him. Every time, I am like a giddy teenager and it builds our bond. It brings the thrill of dating back and that is something that I am really starting to enjoy.
Now, even though I enjoy this new thrill…I still can’t wait until we are under the same roof. There are kids involved and things would just be a lot smoother. Each relationship is different, so naturally, do what works for yours. I would encourage anyone to at least try it both ways. Even if it is not a full move in…try two weeks out of the month, for a few months. See how you interact when you are in each other’s space for 24/7. You may find things that you cannot deal with or even things that you learn about yourself. Being in a relationship is all about growing and learning. Do what you have to do to get to the full potential. I mean, if you can’t stand to live with each other, how are you going to get married? Think of how relieved you would be if you lived with your boyfriend and discovered he was a neat freak or that your girlfriend was a hoarder. Wouldn’t you want the opportunity to know this and adjust before the final marriage stamp? To me, living together is like the final test before the huge final exam. If you can past that, you can get through anything. Oh…and if you’re abstaining from sex, living together can still take place. Godspeed to you though :).
I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!! What are your thoughts? Are you against shacking up? Have you ever lived with your partner? What was your experience? Would you do it again or would you wait with your next relationship?
Here I am.
Legs shaking, heart racing.
I look over and smile.
You shake your head…you know what I want.
I laugh to myself as I wait for you.
My thirst still needing to be quenched.
You see, this insatiable beast inside of me
is in need of more…
More of you.
More of us.
The kisses, the biting, the earth shattering orgasms just don’t seem to cut it.
I need more.
You leave me breathless.
With the inability to move.
Back hurting, shoulders sore…
but I still need more.
Waking neighbors, I yearn for that feeling.
Scratching and pulling,
slight gasping of air as your grasp becomes tighter…and tighter…
until I explode.
Insatiable beast and I still want more.
You say you love the challenge
and baby, you rise every time.
You rise, and I climb…you rise, and I climb…you rise…
and I reach the peak of sexual freedom that I have never felt.
And yet…I still want more.
Maybe, I will never be truly satisfied.
Never wanting the release of your tongue grazing my thighs.
Maybe, I will never be fulfilled wholly…
or is it just an indulgence turning into an addiction slowly?
Whatever it is, I appreciate your enthusiasm for me.
Your willingness to please…
your yearning to
this insatiable beast.
-Jeanine Nicole C/O 12/13/2015
Photo source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C33ZN10UDGU
Love… It Ain’t for Everybody
Maybe I should rephrase my title a little. Love is for everybody…but relationships aren’t. (That doesn’t make for a catchy title so hence why I didn’t change it.) When it comes to relationships, I really feel like it just isn’t meant to be for everyone. The fact that people try to push relationships on others or the fact that people stay in shitty relationships just to keep up appearances proves this notion. Society makes you feel inadequate if you do not have a “bae” or someone whom you deem your MCM every Monday. If you are single and, God forbid, over 30, you’re trash. This makes people jump into relationships at the speed of light so they are not categorized. It saddens me that so many people are doing this nowadays. Speaking for myself, I fell into this sad space. I wanted to build my family and be a perfect wife because I knew I could do it. I wanted to feel what love was and have someone love me unconditionally and be able to post pics of date night and shit…then he cheated…and tried to move her in. I immediately retreated from the word love and went back into hiding. Now that time has went on, this man is still in my life. We were friends for years before and somehow just can’t shake each other. He often jokes about one day settling down with me and leaving everyone else. I laugh uneasily because I do not want this at all. I do not want the relationship…with anyone.
Let me explain how I am in relationships. I lose my entire self. I am no longer Jeanine Nicole. I am this person’s everything. His mother, his cook, his maid, his sex slave, his designer, his financial advisor. I am all his. I have nothing left to give to myself because I become consumed with making his life better. It’s a horrible trait that I have and will be damned if I fall into that trap again. Reasons why I say it’s not for everyone. Some are able to be this type of person for their mate and still be successful in their own endeavors. I am not that person. I honestly did not write for the entire time that I was with him. Writing is my air. That alone showed me that I am not equip for a relationship. I often would argue with myself when I came to the realization of this. I wasn’t upset with the fact that I didn’t want the relationship. I was more concerned with knowing that I deserved it. I deserved love. I deserved a nice beautiful wedding that I have had planned since the age of 10. I deserved a gorgeous bearded man tearing up at the thought of me being his forever. I deserved the perfect family and nice house. Saying that I am not right for relationships had me feeling like I was saying I wasn’t worthy of it. Now that I am older, I see this as completely opposite.
When it comes down to it, love comes in various forms. I feel like I have more love being shown to me since I broke up with my ex than when we were actually together. Does this mean I am settling for his bs? Hell no. But at this moment in time, I am happy with what we have. There is no pressure. There are no titles. I am focused on myself, my career, and my kids and if he wants to come over and we have amazing sex, that just happens. It’s that simple for me. After I broke up with my son’s father and was actually free of him, I went two years without even thinking about love or relationships. I had been tethered to someone emotionally since 12th grade and I was free to do as I pleased now. In those two years, I published 2 books and was the happiest I had ever been. I mean truly happy. I look at old pictures and would remember how free I was. And I envied that. Now, I am back there. I am her again. That to me matters more than a relationship or having someone’s last name.
Love is beautiful. Period. I love seeing people joining together and being truly in love and happy. It’s really an amazing thing when it happens and it is pure. But with that being said, those two are actually ready for that union to happen. They are both in a place where they are comfortable enough with their own selves to join with another. I am not there yet. And I honestly, probably never will be. This doesn’t mean I can’t have the family that I want or experience date nights. It just is on the terms that I have set for myself. I don’t need a boyfriend or husband to be happy. Sorry society. That does not equate my value. My happiness is what drives me. That is what I care about the most. Do more to make you happy and stop worrying about how others will perceive you. At the end of the day, you are the only one who gets in that casket when it is over. You are what matters. Not what others think. Figure out what works for you, with any aspect of your life, and simply do it.
Why I Wish People Would Leave Karrueche Alone
Okay, this is going to be quick. I really didn’t want to discuss yet another celeb drama story BUT after seeing the way people are dragging Karrueche, I had to say something. My biggest issue with this entire situation is why are people targeting Karrueche? What did she do wrong exactly? She loved and forgave a man(too many times, but that’s your opinion) and she was cheated on…how is this her fault? Yes, you can say she should have seen the signs and left a long time ago, but does that warrant the reaction that she’s getting? I mean there are jokes everywhere about her not being loyal and lying about leaving Chris. How in the hell does this mean she’s not loyal? When did loyal equate stupidity? She’s not loyal because “girl it’s just a baby, you can stay.” -_- Some times it takes you to get knocked on your ass multiple times before you finally move on. Why are we not congratulating her for coming to this realization and at least saying she’s leaving? Granted, she may stay, but why is that anyone’s business? Honestly, look at your own relationships and think of how many memes people could come up with to describe you. Now, I am not agreeing with Karrueche in any way. I don’t think she should’ve stayed for so long with Chris, but I can definitely put myself in her shoes. Emotional abuse is the worse and it is the hardest to leave because some don’t see it as real abuse. “He didn’t hit me so it’s not that bad.” If anything I feel bad for her. Can you imagine a man that you love so much, a man that you have taken back so many times, just goes and has a baby with someone you were cool with? His seed, his spawn, his flesh and blood…with another seemingly unimportant woman? This is hurtful.
Instead of degrading her, how about we turn it around on the bitch assness of Chris Brown? Why do we automatically jump on the woman? HE is the one who cheated! HE is the one who lied! HE is the one claiming he wanted something with Karrueche that he obviously knew he had with someone else! HE is the one who constantly runs around talking about how much he loves her, but does the complete opposite! So, how about we run to Twitter and cuss him out and call him un-loyal and make memes about him with his name mispronounced? No, we don’t do that because like always, the woman is wrong in every situation. “She’s so stupid for staying…that’s what she gets.” No, she believed and trusted a man she loved. Since when was that the wrong thing to do? How many times have you forgiven someone just to have them shit on you again? The only difference is you do it behind closed doors. I normally don’t come on the blog and discuss celebrity matters, but as I am maturing I am learning that people need to see these celebs as human beings. This young woman is hurting and how dare we judge her life? Once again, I don’t agree with many of her decisions BUT I will never judge someone for falling in love and giving someone a chance. Been there, done that. It’s hard to let go of that type of love and maybe this is just the thing she needs to get back on the right track. Either way…she has my support. Even though I’m still slick kinda mad about the Beyoncé/ Blue hair thing 🙂
Nathan and Renee
One thing I have always loved is the way that music seems to inspire writing. I have always wanted to take certain songs that inspire me and write short stories to go with them. This short story is inspired by the beautiful song, “Johnny and Donna,” by Mali Music. The calmness of this song first grabbed my attention and as I listened to the lyrics, I immediately became drawn to this scenario. Listen to the song below, read the short story, and tell me what you think.
“Come on Renee. I’m tired of you sitting in this house all alone. Come out with us tonight.” Renee shook her head at her roommate’s request. She didn’t want to go anywhere. Clubs were never her thing. “I have a book and a bottle of wine that’s calling my name.” Her roommate grimaced. “Okay, are you 26 or 36? Come on! It’s a really cool jazz bar. One of Teddy’s bands are playing. You’ll love it.” Renee sighed. “Please! I won’t ask you ever again.” “Okay, okay. I’m gonna hold you to that,” Renee said. Her roommate giggled as she went back into the bathroom. Renee shook her head as she went into her room and got dressed. When they arrived at the jazz club, Renee was not impressed. “What is this hole in the wall?” she asked as they waited in line. “It’s called Donnie’s. You’ll love it.” “As long as they serve wine, I’m sure I’ll love it,” Renee smiled. Once inside, Renee and her roommate were seated at a table close to the stage. Renee quickly ordered a glass of red wine and looked around. The inside was a lot nicer than the outside. There was a full bar, a dance floor, and a small stage. The walls were adorned with different abstract art pieces. The crowd seemed extremely diverse and the numbers grew quickly. Renee noticed a band setting up on the stage. There were three men setting up their instruments. She noticed the guitarist immediately. He played a few riffs as he tuned his guitar. The acoustic guitar caught Renee’s eye. It was painted black with several different graffiti type images arranged at the base. The young man seemed to be the leader as he gave orders to the other two men. Renee was so caught up in this man that she completely forgot about her drink that she ordered. Her roommate whispered, “Um, are you okay? Your glass has been there for about two minutes and it’s not empty yet.” “Oh,” Renee quickly laughed, “I was just checking out the band.” “Yeah, that’s who Teddy was telling me about. I forget their name, but his name is Nathan.” Renee blushed as she tried to play off her obvious trance that she was in. Finally, Nathan and his band began to play. Renee fell back into her trance as she listened to the intoxicating melody. As Nathan played, he began to sing softly into the mic. He looked over and locked eyes with Renee. Caught a little off guard by her, he smiled showing off a beautiful set of dimples. That was it. Renee had to talk to him. They continued to flirt with one another until his set was finished. Renee, feeling a little overwhelmed, went to bathroom. As she was coming out, there he was. They locked eyes again as he walked towards her. Renee fidgeted with her dress as she waited for him to get closer. This seemed like an eternity. Finally, he was there, right in front of her. “Hello,” he said. His voice was intoxicating. “Hi,” Renee softly said. She tried to avoid his gaze, but she was of no success. “You were really good out there. I liked your music.” “Thank you. You looked very good out there as well. Well, not to say you don’t look good standing here right now, but…” Nathan stammered. Renee laughed. Her laugh was beautiful. “I understand Nathan.” “How do you know my name?” “You said it when you introduced yourself and the band.” “Aw damn,” Nathan said, smiling. He couldn’t believe how he was slipping. That never happened to him. But Renee, for some reason, had him shook. She was beyond beautiful. Her cocoa brown skin highlighted by the red dress that she wore. Her natural beauty was evident as she only had on a dark brown lipstick. And her tightly curled hair was sending Nathan over the edge. She looked like an African goddess. “So, what’s your name?” Renee introduced herself as she felt her phone vibrate. It was her roommate. “That’s my friend checking on me. I better get back.” “Yeah, I have to get back to.” He took her phone and entered his number. He called the number and saved hers in his phone. “I’ll hit you up after the show.” Renee blushed and said okay. He took her hand and kissed it. “It was a pleasure meeting you tonight Renee.” He pulled her in close and looked into her eyes. “I hope to see you again.” They both stared at each other, breathless. A few moments later, Renee came back to Earth. She smiled again as she let his hand go, something her body did not want to do. She walked back to her table and sat down. Her roommate started to grill her but her words were being drowned out. Drowned out by the thoughts of him. After the show, Renee continued to think about him. She stared at his number until her eyes became sore. She wanted to call him, but she knew the rules. Hours went by and still nothing. Finally, Renee threw on her hair bonnet and got ready for bed. She tried to forget about him as she laid down. But this was easier to say. She picked up her phone again. She decided to text him instead. When she opened up the messenger, her phone vibrated. It was Nathan. Now she was nervous. She answered the phone after the third ring. “Hello,” she said. “Am I calling too late?” “No. I was actually on the phone with someone else. But you’re good.” “Is that so?” Renee blushed. “I was very serious about seeing you again,” Nathan stated. “We can arrange that.” “How about now?” “Um, its like 3 in the morning.” “So what? Do you have somewhere to be tomorrow?” “Not really.” “Okay then. Send me your address and I’ll come by.” Renee’s heart started to race. She couldn’t believe she was actually thinking about going out with him. She never did anything like this. But, she did want to see him again. “How about this? I know of an ice cream parlor that is 24/7. I’ll text you the address and you can meet me there.” Nathan agreed and Renee texted him the address. She threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Since it was a little brisk outside, she decided to add her leather jacket with it. She took her bonnet off and fluffed out her twists. She grabbed her purse and phone and quietly snuck out of her apartment. Waiting at the parlor, Nathan was sitting in one of the booths. He kept looking outside, waiting for Renee. When he finally spotted her, he felt like his whole body was on fire. She walked in and smiled at him. She sat down and said hi. Nathan wanted to grab her and never let her go. It was more than a physical thing. He felt incredibly drawn to her. This was the main reason why he wanted to see her tonight. He had to see if she could match his mental energy as well. “You look beautiful.” Renee blushed. “Thank you. You look nice as well. Nice to see the man on stage is the same man off.” “What do you mean?” “Well, you know how some people play a role when they get on stage. They try to appease the audience, but that’s not who they really are. It’s nice to see that you are who you are on stage and off. I can tell by your dress and just your mannerisms. It’s refreshing,” Renee explained. It was Nathan’s turn to blush this time. She was definitely on the right path. They both ordered chocolate milk shakes and continued to talk. Their discussion went from politics to career choices to favorite foods to which Power Ranger was the best. Renee looked outside and realized the sun was out. “Wow. I can’t believe we talked for this long.” “Yeah. Time just seemed to fly by. Didn’t even seem like it was that long,” Nathan said, taking out his wallet to pay for their order. Renee got up and waited for him at the door. They walked outside and looked at each other. Neither one wanted to leave. “So, do you have another show tonight?” Renee asked. “No. Not until tomorrow night. What about you? Are you doing anything today?” Renee shook her head. “How about we grab some breakfast?” Nathan smiled. Renee laughed. “You still want to be around me?” Nathan grabbed her hand and pulled her in close. “I want to be around you for as long as you allow me to.” Renee lost her breath again. He came closer to her. “Is that okay with you Renee?” She looked into his eyes and became lost. She looked down at his lips and could feel the warmth of his breath. She could sense the energy coming from his body into hers and vice versa. Nathan smiled. “I’m going to take this as a yes.” Renee blushed again as he let her go. She looked at him and nodded. He started to walk and Renee grabbed his hand. She put his arm back around her waist as she kissed him. Her intentions were to give him just a small peck. But once again, this was better said than done. The warmth of his lips ignited a flame inside of her. He cupped her face into his hand as he began to kiss her deeply. From that moment, they were one.
Two years later, Renee and Nathan were as happy as when they first met. Nathan and his band had decided to part ways and Nathan begin to travel with another crew. Renee was by his side the entire time. They travelled all over the world, playing at different venues. They were both able to experience new things and share in each other’s journey. They both were just happy to be in each other’s space, enjoying one another. Renee woke up one morning to the smell of Nathan cooking. They were back home, in their loft, for a few weeks. Renee walked into the kitchen and saw Nathan standing next to the stove. He was preparing her favorite, Cajun shrimp and grits. Renee took in a huge whiff of the aroma, but something different happen. What normally sent her stomach grumbling, instead sent her stomach tumbling. Renee ran into the bathroom, barely able to make it. When she finished, she rinsed out her mouth and started to brush her teeth. She went back out into the kitchen, but the smell overwhelmed her again. She ran back into the bathroom and this time Nathan noticed. “Baby, are you okay?” He could hear her throwing up and became concerned. “Renee!” “Just a minute,” she said as she flushed the toilet and rinsed her mouth out again. She opened the door and covered her nose. “Nathan that shrimp has to be old! The smell is horrible.” “Baby, what are you talking about? I just bought those this morning from the market. It actually smells great. I’m a little offended.” Renee smiled. “It’s not your cooking. I’m telling you that shrimp is bad. I can’t eat that.” Nathan shrugged his shoulders. “More for me.” Renee kept her nose covered as she walked into the living room. She opened the window and sat on the window sill. “Guess I’ll stay over here and eat then,” Nathan laughed. “Yes please do.” Nathan finished eating and cleaned everything up. He came over by Renee. “Do you feel better?” Renee nodded her head. “It’s a little weird because I’ve never thrown up before. Not even when I was sick. Maybe it was something I ate yesterday.” Nathan played with her hands. “We had subs yesterday. Maybe it was the meat.” Renee shrugged. She was in deep thought. Nathan could tell she was a little shook up. “Baby, I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s not like you were coughing blood or anything serious. Just a little throwing up. You may be pregnant,” Nathan laughed. Renee looked over at him with dread on her face. Nathan stopped laughing. “I was just joking.” “I don’t think it’s just a joke. I haven’t had my period since we left for France.” “Renee! That was almost two months ago.” “I didn’t think anything of it until now. I thought maybe my body was just off from all the travelling. They never were very regular anyway,” Renee said, shameful. The reality of what could possibly be was settling in for them both. “Nathan, I’m so sorry. I should’ve paid attention. We could have done something to prevent this from happening. I’m so sorry,” Renee said, tearing up. Nathan, still in shock, looked over at a trembling Renee. He held her. “Baby, it’s okay. It’s not something you need to be sorry about. We both took a part in this. Let’s just see if you are and we can go from there. Okay?” Renee nodded her head as she wiped her tears. “I’ll go out and get a test, okay?” Nathan kissed Renee on the forehead as he went to put on his shoes. He grabbed his keys and wallet. He looked over at Renee. “Please don’t be in that same spot when I get back. Don’t make me call your mother,” he smiled. Renee smiled softly as he closed the door. She got up from the window sill and walked into their bedroom. She looked at herself in the mirror. She lifted up her shirt. Her stomach didn’t look too different. She put her shirt down and sat on her bed. Maybe she was overthinking. Her periods were never regular so this could just be another episode. But what if it wasn’t? How would she be able to travel with Nathan carrying a baby along with her? Would he be willing to settle down with her and the baby? To be a real family? Renee forced herself to stop thinking. She went in the kitchen and poured a glass of water. She sat in the living room until Nathan returned from the store. He handed her the test as he put his beer in the refrigerator. “Really? Just in case huh?” Nathan laughed. Renee sighed and went into the bathroom. Nathan grabbed her arm and gave her a hug. “Whatever the results. Know that I love you.” He kissed her on the cheek. “I love you too.” Renee went into the bathroom and Nathan collapsed on the couch. How could this have happened? He never imagined he could become a dad, especially not with all the opportunities he had in front of him. If she was pregnant, what would he do? Abortions were out of the question, but could he really settle down and be a family man? The main reason their relationship worked was because Renee was so flexible with his moving around. Would she be the same with a baby on her hip? Nathan sighed and went into the kitchen. He took out his beer. He needed to calm his nerves and didn’t care if it was warm. As soon as he opened the can, Renee opened the door. Nathan stared at her as he put the can down. He could see she had been crying but didn’t now if they were happy tears or sad ones. He wanted to go to her, but he was frozen. She walked over to him slowly with her head down. He lifted her head to look into her eyes. She looked at him and began to cry again. She collapsed into him and Nathan knew the answer. He could feel his legs getting weak. He sat down on the floor with her in her arms. He could feel his emotions trying to overwhelm him, but he refused to let them. He needed to be strong for her, at least at this moment. He wasn’t sure if he could account for any time after this, but in this moment, he was going to be here for her.
“Do you like the crib? You don’t think it’s too girly?” Renee was putting the finishing touches on the baby’s side of the room. “Nathan! What do you think?” Nathan shrugged. “It’s fine. Looks like a unicorn threw up in our room.” Renee rolled her eyes. “Shut up. It looks nice.” Nathan went and sat down in the living room. “Renee. We need to talk. I’ve been trying to talk to you all week and you keep putting it off.” Renee stopped what she was doing. She closed her eyes and sighed. This was it. The conversation she had been dreading since she found out she was pregnant 7 months ago. Nathan hadn’t been adamant about it until this week. Renee was foolish to think she could keep escaping the obvious. She took another breath and went into the living room. She sat next to Nathan. He looked at her. “We need to talk about everything. The band, the baby, us.” Renee felt lightheaded when he said “us.” She never thought that would come into play. “What do you mean “us”?” Nathan sighed. “Renee. We can’t sit here and act like what is happening to us isn’t life changing. You know my goals. You know what I have going with this band can’t just stop. I can’t be here the way that you want me to be. I can’t be what you want.” Renee felt her breathing becoming shallow. Nathan couldn’t take it. He never wanted to hurt her, but he had to be honest. It was only fair to the three of them. He held her hand. “Baby, I love you more than you could imagine.” Renee shook her head. “You don’t love me. You would stay if you did. You would make this family work. You haven’t even tried.” “I don’t need to try, I already know. I know how I am. When have we ever stayed in just one place for more than a month or two? Do you really think that is healthy for our baby? Being on the road? Travelling with a band? I don’t want that for my child. I want them to grow up in a stable home. Somewhere where they can start memories. Somewhere where they can always call home. I didn’t have that growing up and that’s the reason why I can’t sit in one place for too long now. I don’t want that for her. She deserves better,” Nathan explain. “She deserves her father.” “Renee, she will always have me. I am not saying I will not be here for our child. I would never leave you with such a thing. That is my blood pumping through her body as well. I will always be here for her, whenever she needs me.” “Just not for me,” Renee whispered, finally looking up. Nathan looked away. He could feel the hot tears, welling up in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. Renee got up and walked into the bedroom. He could hear her cries begin to intensify and he could no longer refuse his own pain. He placed his head into his hands as they both cried together. Both pained by their love.
Representation of Black Love
When it comes to Black love, I feel like this is the most misrepresentation in the media. When you turn on the television or the radio, you are more likely to see or hear about a Black man having a side chick or a Black woman being cheated on. You rarely see or hear about longevity in marriage or someone appreciating and loving their mate. It’s always the negative that is glorified. I have seen women discuss the norm of being a side chick and this is not okay. Do we really want our younger generation thinking that it is okay to settle for less? That it is not okay to be in a monogamous relationship? That the only thing that comes with Black love is endless fights, cheating, and baby mama/baby daddy drama? Why is this such a normal thing and where are the real relationships in the media?
As I stated before, I have yet to actually turn on the television and see a positive representation of Black love (besides Blackish). Sit back and think to yourself. The only time you see this is either a Black man or Black woman is in love with a person of a different race or the same sex. If you do see a Black couple together, they are bogged down with nothing but lies and cheating scandals. Where are the Huxtables? Where are the Banks? Where are Martin and Gina? I remember watching, “Martin,” and absolutely loving and envying their relationship together. I wanted what they had. Because of the positive representation of Black love that I grew up with, in the media, I am still able to hold on to the possibility that real love exists because it was all I saw. But think about the generation that is being brought up now. What images do they have to look up to? You have a plethora of reality shows that feature mainly Blacks, but when it comes to the relationship aspect, there is rarely anything positive. You have grown…GROWN…women fighting over men who really could care less about them and this is looked at as what you are suppose to do. You have women who are doing ridiculous things and are letting men get away with cheating and having babies on the side because they supposedly “love” them and they are “ride or die”. This is what Black love is turning into and it is absolutely ridiculous! It needs to be brought to a stop before it truly gets even more out of hand. The more that this type of representation is put out in the media for our people to see, the more it starts to set in that this is actually normal. Many people go by what they see and if all you see is this, then how will you know to do differently? If you don’t believe that marriage actually works and don’t see the real positive effects of it on a daily basis, why would you aspire to it?
When Solange and Alan Ferguson showed off their wedding photos, the internet was set on fire. There has never been such a positive image of Black love, recently, than these pictures. They show that real love is true and possible. It is a breath of fresh air in the wave of “break babies” and side chicks. To see such a beautiful experience, coming from two people of color, gave me such joy and hope that people would start to look at Black love differently. We don’t have to settle for less like they portray in the media. We don’t have to date other races to be truly treated the way that we should. Love exists in every single person. The problem is our love is being represented in the wrong way and people are starting to adapt to these behaviors. My generation is still able to remember the great Black families that were seen every day on television. The younger generation does not have that. It is up to us to bring these images back to our community. To show them the power and beauty that is in Black love. It is not always hurt and pain. Our love, Black love, is an amazing and wonderful thing when done properly. We can become so much more as a collective whole if we began to bring this type of love to the light.
Photos Courtesy: http://www.ladylindablack.blogspot.com, www.lipstickalley.com, www.usmagazine.com, http://www.thewritertj.com
I wrote this poem because I was tired of not being the shoulder that he would cry on. He was mines…so why couldn’t I be his?
Let me love you, let me in.
Let me show you the
Capacity of my heart.
Let me show you
Just why I am here.
Let me love you, let me in.
Let me endure your
Hurt, your pain.
Let me bandage your wounds.
Allow me to ease it away.
Don’t deny me and turn your back.
That dark room
That you are so accustomed to
No longer has space for you.
But, here, in my arms.
In my space…this is your home.
Just let me
Let me carry your burdens,
Let me softly kiss those
Evil spirits away.
I’m equipped. I’m ready.
But you’re so scared and uneasy.
But sweetheart don’t you see?
I can be your Eve minus that
Fruit on the tree.
I can be your rib.
I can be that drug that flows through your veins.
That drink before the last call.
I can be the ecstasy that has you trembling for more.
I can be your late night taxi driver
Who you confess your soul to.
I can be that pastor in church
Who dares not judge you.
I can be the butter in your grits
Or even salt and pepper, if that’s your shit.
Baby, I can be all these things and more.
This stumbling road you don’t have to travel alone.
Just let me….please.
Let me in, let me love you.
Have you ever had someone take your breath away?
I mean really, take it away.
Just a look and you’re breathless.…
At, first you are able to handle it.
But the closer they come, the harder it is.
His lips on mines,
Air leaves me.
Lungs collapse under
The thought of this love.
This love that is lost.
Over his dishonesty.
Air slowly comes back.
His nose nudging mines.
The air leaves again.
Thoughts of hurt tremble away as your hand runs over my thigh.
Tears begin to fall as your lips connect with mine.
I can no longer breathe.
His love is suffocating me.
The thought of us has me trapped.
So many emotions flow through me.
I’m unable to move even though I need to.
I can’t stay here, in this space.
I’m no longer yours.
I don’t belong here.
But even with the air gone
I feel so alive.
Light headed…unclear thinking. Adrenaline pumping.
But living…in the moment of you.
Photo credits: http://www.sassydspirits.com