Tag: relationship

Honesty

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One thing that I’ve been doing during this quarantine is therapatizing myself. Is therapatizing a word? No…but ima use it lol. Among the many things, I’ve been trying to change my negativity towards relationships. I’m finding myself becoming colder and harder with this subject. I instantly reject any notion that a healthy relationship is in my future. It’s impossible…………………………….right?

Yes, I know what I deserve. I know I’m amazing and blah blah blah…but is it actually possible? My dating life is not even a thing. Completely non-existent. I will say I have at least put a little effort into it. This is how it normally goes:

“Wow…you’re beautiful. I would love to get to know more about you. Tell me something.”

“Aww thanks. Well, I like to write, I own my own natural product company, I love to cook.”

“That’s dope. Do you have any kids?”

“Yes. 3.”

*tumbleweeds*

Now, I normally don’t get upset when I don’t get a response because I get it. Three kids is a lot. Trust…I know. But damn! Can a sista get a “lol” or something before getting completely ghosted? After this happens a good 7 times, I normally say screw it and delete whatever dating app I’ve been perusing at the time.

If that isn’t the gist of the conversation, the others normally go somewhere straight sexual on their end or they are looking for someone to cheat on their wives with 🙄. With these type of results constantly happening, one would have to be insane to think anything different will ever happen.

That’s where I am with the whole thing. I’ve automatically written anyone off because it’s easier to not get hurt that way. Can’t get hurt if I already assume you’re a cheater and a liar….right?

But who wants to think like that? It’s draining and annoying asf. There has to be some sort of balance between being positive and not being stupid. But how do you get to that place? Mentally, all I know is bullshit. I’ve never been in any healthy relationships. I read certain posts on social media and find myself stumped on how actual healthy relationships exist. Even from the smallest things like a man just randomly hugging and kissing on you because he is that infatuated with you. WHAT IS THAT?!? I’ve never had it. Moments like that hit me and make me sit back and truly be honest with myself. I’ve never been in an equally yoked relationship. I know what love is simply because I have loved before. But never the other way around. If I was ever loved by someone, it was out of convenience for themselves. It was never something that was natural. It came with stipulations, drama, anger, regrets, and fear. Love…genuine love was nowhere around.

And then it hit me again. When is the last time I ever experienced true intimacy? Not something I fabricated in my head, but something real. Not something that was forced to produce forgiveness. When was the last time I had been taken care of? Been thought of? Been held? Kissed? Appreciated?

The lack of these things are the reason why I’m so quick to reject the idea of love…but is that a fair assessment? I can’t really hate on something I’ve never fully experienced. Today’s male population does not make it any easier, but my unhealthy attitude towards love doesn’t help either. I am a firm believer in you attract what you put out. I don’t purposely put out negative vibes, but it seeps through my pores so it’s inevitable that it will come out in some ways.

My biggest thing now is just trying to be fully honest with myself more and more so I can try to heal properly. No, I will not be all positive and lovey dovey the next time I speak to a guy…but I will stop automatically assuming the worst. I will trust myself in knowing that I am smarter than I was and I won’t fall for the same bs. I will trust myself to never be in those situations again. This is the lesson I need to learn!

At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my thoughts, and my intentions. Will I get hurt again? Will I find the love of my life? Who knows…but I owe it to myself to at least try vs. complaining and accepting a fate that is not even mine. If nothing else, a good story can always come out of it. 💙

Soulmates

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1

I would sell my soul
Just so you could no longer
Hold it in your grasp
Just so I could be released from you.
You have done more than capture my soul,
You have completely taken it over.
I am wielded to do your every desires
But it is not by force, but by love
This effortless stream of love
The type of love that comes like breathing
While others second guess it,
I think nothing of it.
But this is because you have me completely
Body, mind, and soul.
So taboo, yet so right.
My sweet soul snatcher,
You have me in your grasps.
The power of our worlds never seem to end.
It’s like our energies seek one another, no matter what realm we are in.
You find me
And I find you.
Our bodies seem to gravitate closer and closer.
A rush of electrons flow through my body.
This connection…so rare…so wrong.
Praying for some type of release, but what do you do when he has a hold of something so precious?
Something not so easily given?
I’ll just lay here in the moonlight
As your spirit calls out to mines.
A quick blush runs over me.
This is more than love.
Soul…mates…

My Version of Real Love

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When I first saw this drawing, I immediately fell in love with it. To some it may look like a simple drawing of a young couple kissing, but for me I saw more. I basically saw what I want in a relationship. Sometimes I can read things for more than what they are, but hey that’s the reason for me being a writer, right? Anyways, I wanted to try to turn this into a blog post instead of a story. Yes, I have already came up with their entire life story lol.

First thing first, I say that this drawing is what I want in a relationship because basically the type of man that is represented is exactly the type of man that I want. You have to look at the details. The way that he is kind of overpowering her is the thing that attracted me the most to this drawing. To me it is saying that he is protective over her. He will always be there to have her back and to be there whenever she needs it. This is the one thing all women need in a man. You want someone who you can walk down the street with and not have to worry about being disrespected or tried by anyone else because they see the presence of your man. Example, in that horrible Tyler Perry movie, yeah I know which one right?, but Temptation. When Jurnee was walking down the street and the guy called her a bitch, and Lance just told her to get in the car…no woman wants that. We want a man that we know can protect us and will do anything in their power to uphold our respect and dignity. No, I don’t want someone who is running around cursing everyone out for looking at me wrong, but basically he needs to just have that presence. He isn’t outlandish with it. It is just recognized and understood by everyone he comes into contact with.

Second, his attire. I love a man that is a jack of all trades. He can go from the corporate world to playing ball with the fellas to attending a jazz festival at night and not break a sweat. It is something that is innate. I hate the guys who try to hard. This is the ultimate turn off. I want someone who I know I can go to all these different events with and never have to worry once about what is going to happen. Corporate thug, nice guy with a bad boy edge, however you want to explain it, it’s what I want.

Third, her posture. It’s like she is just where she is suppose to be. This is the most important thing to me in a relationship. I don’t want to feel like being with someone is a challenge or is work. It should just flow and be natural. There should be no games that are played. No talks with friends about how do I keep him home at night. Real love doesn’t work like that. I don’t care what people try to make you believe, it doesn’t. Real love takes no energy. Yes, you will have fights, but if you are not right there in that position with that person, it just doesn’t feel right. In this drawing, she is not overly emotional or all over him. She is simply kissing her man because she knows that he is hers. This is me to a T. I am not for all the extra that comes with some relationships. I don’t need to yell from the rooftop that someone is my man nor do I need him to do it. It will be shown in other ways. Most women do all that extra stuff out of low self esteem and fear. Fear that another woman is gonna take their man. But if he is really yours, he’s not going anywhere. And all that shouting from the hill that he loves you is unreal to me. There is a difference between him loving you and “acting” like he loves you.

The last thing is actually small. The couple in the drawing are not married. I know most are like why would that be something you want in a relationship? Let me explain. Of course I want the marriage. I have had it planned since I was about 10. But reality is I know my flaws and I honestly don’t know if I want to be married anytime soon. It could be because I haven’t been exposed to real love in about 10 years or because I have seen no marriages that are encouraging. But for right now, I am not interested. But the thing I like in the drawing is that they are that happy and there is no ring. Most people focus too much on the ring. They don’t think about the actual relationship. They don’t think about solidifying the relationship first and then think about the marriage. It’s always the other way around.

This drawing definitely set in my mind exactly what I am looking for and what I want in a relationship. Sometimes it is easier to say it then to actually find it, but at least if you know what it is, you will notice it when you encounter it. That’s another problem with a lot of people. They don’t know what they want. You wait until someone comes along and just roll with the punches. I’ve grown from that type of person and will never go back to her. If that means I will have to continue to wait then so be it. I will wait until I am that girl in this drawing. In love and secure and simply happy.

Drawing by Manasseh Johnson

Single Forever

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So I know I’ve done posts about how sorry men are and how I’m still in love with my ex, but now I am going to write about the truth. While those post are very true, this one right here is the gospel. I will be single forever. No, seriously. And this isn’t an independent, fuck men type of single forever. This is a plain I’m going to be single forever. I already know what you’re going to say. “That’s not true,” “You’ll find your soul mate,” “You never know what can happen,” yeah yeah blah blah blah. I know the type of woman that I am. I am extremely impatient. I don’t have time for the back and forth that comes with relationships. I don’t have time to go out on fifty million dates just to figure out if you are worth my time. I don’t have time for the flirting and the other foolishness. I really just don’t want to deal with it.

Besides being impatient, I have extreme control issues. As a single mother, I am used to being the one that figures everything out from start to finish. I do not see myself letting that control go to anyone else especially when it involves my children’s well being. Another thing I don’t see happening is being a ride or die chick. As a mother, I don’t see myself being consumed by anyone else but my kids. Now, I also know what you’re going to say. “You’ve probably never felt real love before.” Ha! I have been in love before. I know how real love is, how it feels. I know it all too well. But the fact that I lost that love and will never get it back furthers my realization of being single forever. No one measures up to that man. Point blank. It’s pointless if me to even try to date. And I definitely don’t want to be “that girl” who breaks a man’s heart and turns him into a full fledge dog. I don’t need that on my conscience. I used to be extremely optimistic, but after a year and 1/2 of being single and seeing absolutely no potential, that optimism has turned into doubt. Some are blessed to find their soul mates, whereas for me *shrugs* that shit’s not for everybody. Like I said before, this is definitely not by choice. Who would deliberately choose to be lonely for the rest of their life? I would love nothing more than to be with that one person that makes me happy, but reality is that mess isn’t happening. So what if I’m single forever though? What am I really missing out on? The surprise chick on the side? The “oh I have a few kids on the way”? Yeah, keep that to y’all selves. Team Single over here!

Still in Love

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Today, I was talking with my best friend about the last asshole that bites the dust in my life when she brought up an interesting thing. She claimed that I was still in love with my first love. As I immediately cursed her out and denied everything, inside I began to wonder. Was she right? Could I have fallen back in love with him? No, it can’t be. That was years ago. I had moved on and so had he. So what if he was one of my closest friends. So what if he was the only one that could piss me off and seeing red and then in the same breath have me floating on cloud 9. So what if he was the only one I could spend hours with on the phone talking about absolutely nothing. Wait…dammit! I can’t be falling for this guy again. It’s kinda pointless. You ever wanted something but for whatever reason knew you couldn’t have it? That’s how he is. Yes, I know he would be perfect for me but that means nothing if he doesn’t feel the same. So what do you do to get over this ridiculous feeling?

To be honest, I’m still trying to figure that out. I’ve tried to block it out and move on, but no man does it for me like him. I’ve tried to reassure myself that if it’s meant to be it will, but then that leaves me even more frustrated. What gets me the most is I have no idea how he feels. We can talk about every subject known to man, but as soon as I try to bring up us, I don’t get a text back. So what does that mean? Does he still like me? Does he still have feelings for me? My answer for this is always, hell no, because he has a sleuth of heauxs (I promised him I would give them a fancy spelling lol) that he deals with. He can’t possibly want me and he’s banging them. Hell, we haven’t even had sex (long story). And then I start thinking, maybe we haven’t had sex because he cares about me too much to just treat me like a dirty dish rag. *sighs* See, this was much easier when I suppressed my feelings. But now, I’m screwed. Now, I’m realizing that yes, I do still have feelings for him and now I’m stuck. Do I risk telling him and he laughs in my face or do I just hold it in? Decisions, decisions. My mind says don’t do it while my heart is saying go. Life is too short to wonder why and what if. Sometimes you have to just take a leap and pray to God that that parachute opens. And if it doesn’t, well at least you will die knowing you did all you could. So whatever it is just do it. You never know what you are missing out on. Maybe I’ll just post this and see what happens.

Ride or Die

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bonnie-and-clyde-poster

So…if you listen to any hip hop song, the first thing you will hear, after saying how they want a thick, red bone, is that every man wants a down chick. A girl that will be there for them through everything…court hearings, multiple baby mamas, domestic violence chargers, etc. Being a ride or die chick is a quality that is valued in a relationship. For me, as a mother, I never understood how someone could be a ride or die for anyone but their kids. I’m not trying to do anything that will jeopardize them. But then when I dug deeper, I realized that it wouldn’t be that hard if it’s for that specific person. “Him” as I like to call them. If you have a “him” then it isn’t hard to be completely loyal to him. It’s something you will want to do. You want him to know that he can trust you with anything and if he needs you for whatever, then you are there.

I, personally, love the idea of a Bonnie and Clyde relationship. Now, I’m not saying we are going out robbing banks but we are a duo. Whether it’s the Bonnie and Clyde of the business world or the Bonnie and Clyde of sarcasm ;), just being part of something is the point of a relationship. If you can find that one thing that glues you together, then you are unstoppable.

Now fellas, if you want that ride or die chick, then you need to be the same for she. She shouldn’t have to ask you to have her back. It should be common knowledge. A man that sticks up for you at any given moment is exciting and makes you feel secure. So if you choose to be the ultimate, “ride or die,” for your partner make sure you do it right. It doesn’t have to be as glamorous as Hov and Bey make it seem in the video. Just simply have their back and hold them down. Trust me. It will do wonders for your relationship.