Let me start with saying, for business reasons I haven’t completely deactivated my Facebook account. But the app is deleted from my phone. Now, I have done this a few times before but I always find myself downloading the app back within a few days or even hours. What is different this time?
Continue readingOne thing that I’ve been doing during this quarantine is therapatizing myself. Is therapatizing a word? No…but ima use it lol. Among the many things, I’ve been trying to change my negativity towards relationships. I’m finding myself becoming colder and harder with this subject. I instantly reject any notion that a healthy relationship is in my future. It’s impossible…………………………….right?
Yes, I know what I deserve. I know I’m amazing and blah blah blah…but is it actually possible? My dating life is not even a thing. Completely non-existent. I will say I have at least put a little effort into it. This is how it normally goes:
“Wow…you’re beautiful. I would love to get to know more about you. Tell me something.”
“Aww thanks. Well, I like to write, I own my own natural product company, I love to cook.”
“That’s dope. Do you have any kids?”
“Yes. 3.”
*tumbleweeds*
Now, I normally don’t get upset when I don’t get a response because I get it. Three kids is a lot. Trust…I know. But damn! Can a sista get a “lol” or something before getting completely ghosted? After this happens a good 7 times, I normally say screw it and delete whatever dating app I’ve been perusing at the time.
If that isn’t the gist of the conversation, the others normally go somewhere straight sexual on their end or they are looking for someone to cheat on their wives with 🙄. With these type of results constantly happening, one would have to be insane to think anything different will ever happen.
That’s where I am with the whole thing. I’ve automatically written anyone off because it’s easier to not get hurt that way. Can’t get hurt if I already assume you’re a cheater and a liar….right?
But who wants to think like that? It’s draining and annoying asf. There has to be some sort of balance between being positive and not being stupid. But how do you get to that place? Mentally, all I know is bullshit. I’ve never been in any healthy relationships. I read certain posts on social media and find myself stumped on how actual healthy relationships exist. Even from the smallest things like a man just randomly hugging and kissing on you because he is that infatuated with you. WHAT IS THAT?!? I’ve never had it. Moments like that hit me and make me sit back and truly be honest with myself. I’ve never been in an equally yoked relationship. I know what love is simply because I have loved before. But never the other way around. If I was ever loved by someone, it was out of convenience for themselves. It was never something that was natural. It came with stipulations, drama, anger, regrets, and fear. Love…genuine love was nowhere around.
And then it hit me again. When is the last time I ever experienced true intimacy? Not something I fabricated in my head, but something real. Not something that was forced to produce forgiveness. When was the last time I had been taken care of? Been thought of? Been held? Kissed? Appreciated?
The lack of these things are the reason why I’m so quick to reject the idea of love…but is that a fair assessment? I can’t really hate on something I’ve never fully experienced. Today’s male population does not make it any easier, but my unhealthy attitude towards love doesn’t help either. I am a firm believer in you attract what you put out. I don’t purposely put out negative vibes, but it seeps through my pores so it’s inevitable that it will come out in some ways.
My biggest thing now is just trying to be fully honest with myself more and more so I can try to heal properly. No, I will not be all positive and lovey dovey the next time I speak to a guy…but I will stop automatically assuming the worst. I will trust myself in knowing that I am smarter than I was and I won’t fall for the same bs. I will trust myself to never be in those situations again. This is the lesson I need to learn!
At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my thoughts, and my intentions. Will I get hurt again? Will I find the love of my life? Who knows…but I owe it to myself to at least try vs. complaining and accepting a fate that is not even mine. If nothing else, a good story can always come out of it. 💙
Shacking up. The legendary term coined by black grandmothers describing unwed couples who lived together. This was something that was looked down on and at one point, never happened. But this day, more than half of couples live together before entertaining the thought of marriage. Why was this such a taboo thing to do back then and why has it become the norm now?
For me, I believe that most older people believed in the tradition and idea of marriage. They believed in a woman being very docile and the man being very dominant, but respectful. They believed in the man and woman not kissing or having sexual interaction while dating. So if that is the case, living together is a definite no while dating. Flip it to today and it is the complete opposite. People are a lot freer with themselves and traditions have gone out the window. Most people when asked have at one point lived or had their significant other living with them.
I have dabbled with shacking with two of my boyfriends and honestly, it is something I would encourage any couple to do. But only when they have hit that serious stage. Living with your mate has a lot of benefits, such as double income, always having someone around when you need them, and getting to know that person’s quirks and learning how to adjust. A lot of problems that happen in marriage could be prevented if the couple just lived together and had the opportunity to learn how to work through it. Or leave if it’s something they can’t handle. Being married makes it a little harder to just leave, so many people stay unhappy for years.
Lately, my boyfriend and I have not been living together. It’s not by choice, but it’s been that way for about 6 months, off and on. When we first started dating, we always were in the same place, but now that I have had this break from living with him, it feels a little different. Dare I say…nice. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my man to death, but I understand why some people would prefer it. You have your own space when needed and you get the chance to miss your partner. That’s the best part. The excitement of finally being able to plan something and spend time with him. Every time, I am like a giddy teenager and it builds our bond. It brings the thrill of dating back and that is something that I am really starting to enjoy.
Now, even though I enjoy this new thrill…I still can’t wait until we are under the same roof. There are kids involved and things would just be a lot smoother. Each relationship is different, so naturally, do what works for yours. I would encourage anyone to at least try it both ways. Even if it is not a full move in…try two weeks out of the month, for a few months. See how you interact when you are in each other’s space for 24/7. You may find things that you cannot deal with or even things that you learn about yourself. Being in a relationship is all about growing and learning. Do what you have to do to get to the full potential. I mean, if you can’t stand to live with each other, how are you going to get married? Think of how relieved you would be if you lived with your boyfriend and discovered he was a neat freak or that your girlfriend was a hoarder. Wouldn’t you want the opportunity to know this and adjust before the final marriage stamp? To me, living together is like the final test before the huge final exam. If you can past that, you can get through anything. Oh…and if you’re abstaining from sex, living together can still take place. Godspeed to you though :).
I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!! What are your thoughts? Are you against shacking up? Have you ever lived with your partner? What was your experience? Would you do it again or would you wait with your next relationship?
Here I am.
Legs shaking, heart racing.
Breathing erratic.
I look over and smile.
You shake your head…you know what I want.
I laugh to myself as I wait for you.
My thirst still needing to be quenched.
You see, this insatiable beast inside of me
is in need of more…
More of you.
More of us.
More.
The kisses, the biting, the earth shattering orgasms just don’t seem to cut it.
I need more.
You leave me breathless.
With the inability to move.
Back hurting, shoulders sore…
but I still need more.
Waking neighbors, I yearn for that feeling.
Scratching and pulling,
slight gasping of air as your grasp becomes tighter…and tighter…
until I explode.
Insatiable beast and I still want more.
You say you love the challenge
and baby, you rise every time.
You rise, and I climb…you rise, and I climb…you rise…
and I reach the peak of sexual freedom that I have never felt.
And yet…I still want more.
Maybe, I will never be truly satisfied.
Never wanting the release of your tongue grazing my thighs.
Maybe, I will never be fulfilled wholly…
or is it just an indulgence turning into an addiction slowly?
Whatever it is, I appreciate your enthusiasm for me.
Your willingness to please…
your yearning to
continuously feed…
this insatiable beast.
-Jeanine Nicole C/O 12/13/2015
Photo source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C33ZN10UDGU
It has happened.
I’m finally there.
Years of doubt and struggle,
But here I am.
Love has found me.
I have finally opened my once cold and blocked heart
To the possibilities.
Joy, happiness, love
But, wait?
You’re gone…again.
On the phone…again.
Chillin….again.
But I was there!
I mean, I was really right there.
I was there in that place,
Mind made up.
Telling me to allow this to fruition into
What I knew it could be.
Love.
Giggling.
Excitement.
Secure.
I.was.there.
But, now, I don’t know where I am.
That smile that warmed my heart
Is no longer around.
That voice that kept me sane
Is gone.
You’re here, but where are you?
Laying next to me, but I can’t feel you’re touch.
Is this love?
Am i still there?
No. I’m definitely back here.
Oh, God.
Here it comes.
The insecurity. The thoughts. The constant “what did I do?”
Never good enough.
Pretty enough. Skinny enough.
Thick enough. Funny enough.
Never enough to keep me there.
There.
That place I had longed for.
Had praised God once I got there,
But now what do I do now
That I am back here?
Start again?
I’m too tired.
Keep trying?
Why bother.
This place is dark.
Cold.
Depleted.
But familiar.
I know how to act here.
No surprises. No turnarounds.
One strict goal.
Trapped…out of love…again.
Welcome home.
I normally don’t smoke…alone
But you’re gone so here it goes.
But with each hit, I realize my reality…
You’re gone…I’m here…
Again.
I lost myself in you and
It wasn’t enough.
You left me hazy like this
Green apple kush I’m blazin.
Had me on cloud nine
Every single orgasmic time.
That smile, those eyes, that mindset
You had me.
But like this blunt…
The spark has died out.
See, if I inhale hard enough
I can light it again.
But is it worth the pain…the stress?
Or should I just let it go?
Remember the intoxication and save it for another lifetime?
But unlike this blunt…
I can’t get enough.
You.
I need all of you.
Not just a few puffs of pleasure.
I need it all.
But it hits me again…
My reality.
I search for my lighter
Getting higher and higher
“Bitch don’t kill my vibe”
Blasting higher and higher.
Inhaling, transforming
No more reality.
They ask what’s wrong and I laugh it off.
Come up with lies about stress, work, kids.
But the truth is I only have two problems…a broken heart and an unstable mind.
This broken feeling comes and goes.
One minute I’m fine,
flirting with the beautiful man in line.
But then the next,
I’m in tears
Staring at the ceiling.
The empty dark space begins to fill my entirety.
I am paralyzed at the thought.
Another broken heart.
I’ve only had one other in all my life.
The recovery for that took years upon years.
Hence my sadness.
Hence my pain.
Knowing I have to undo feelings and moments.
Having to undo passionate memories.
Act as if you meant nothing…still mean nothing.
That’s where the instability kicks in.
I hate you.
I love you.
I miss you.
Fuck you.
I need you.
I want to kill you.
And let me be quite clear, killing seems so bliss.
The thought of jamming a knife straight through your back…
Karma engulfing me as her bitch.
Seeing the blood ooze out, like these tears I cry.
Hearing you writhe in pain as I do some nights.
Seeing you take your last breath,
leaving you breathless as you used to leave me.
Standing over you, overpowering you,
controlling you for once in my life.
But then I take a moment.
Realizing it is not worth my time.
I become angry with myself for allowing you to constantly consume my mind.
Shit,
I’m pissed right now for allowing my pen to give you life.
They say if you are loved by a writer,
you live forever.
Your legacy being inked through my trails of therapy.
It’s like you still have the control.
I can’t heal if I don’t write.
I can’t write if I am healed.
So once again you still give me life.
You still give me moments.
You still give me peace
and joy
and laughter.
Still this lifetime of a broken heart and an unstable mind.
To My Future Husband
I often wonder what you are up to.
If you are chillin, sitting back watching the latest game.
Are you laid out with some chick riding you, screaming your name?
Did you finally get that place you keep going to see?
Or are you tired of waiting on little ole me?
Waiting on me…our paths to align.
Waiting quietly for pain to heal in time.
Do you still believe in my existence or are you feeling like you missed it?
Missed out on your opportunity for true love.
Do you feel like you’ve missed out on what everyone else has?
Because your future wife is still here stuck in the past.
Stuck in turmoil, trying to erase old hurt.
Working to find again her happiness and her own self worth.
Because of this path that she of course must take.
Does it hinder your belief in having such a fate?
Do you believe she’s still out there?
Waiting for you?
Or do you keep fucking random women just because they’ll do?
Future husband, please don’t give up on me.
That beautiful future can be ours you see.
But for now, this path…right here is clear.
A path to find my own beauty and truth.
The path that is preparing me for you.
I apologize if I take a few wrong turns…
Leaving you in the dark to yearn.
Yearn for your beautiful black queen that God has promised you.
Yearn for those amazing children to pass your heritage to.
Yearn for the deepest connection you’ve ever felt.
Yearn for her soft kisses that instantly make you melt.
I know how hard this must be for you.
Trust me it’s not something I want to do.
But this path…this long, stressful, tedious, lonely path is my only way to you.
It’s the only way I can become the wife that God has ordained me to.
So my husband, please stay with me and stay strong.
I’ve just turned on this road and I pray it shall not be long.
Maybe I should rephrase my title a little. Love is for everybody…but relationships aren’t. (That doesn’t make for a catchy title so hence why I didn’t change it.) When it comes to relationships, I really feel like it just isn’t meant to be for everyone. The fact that people try to push relationships on others or the fact that people stay in shitty relationships just to keep up appearances proves this notion. Society makes you feel inadequate if you do not have a “bae” or someone whom you deem your MCM every Monday. If you are single and, God forbid, over 30, you’re trash. This makes people jump into relationships at the speed of light so they are not categorized. It saddens me that so many people are doing this nowadays. Speaking for myself, I fell into this sad space. I wanted to build my family and be a perfect wife because I knew I could do it. I wanted to feel what love was and have someone love me unconditionally and be able to post pics of date night and shit…then he cheated…and tried to move her in. I immediately retreated from the word love and went back into hiding. Now that time has went on, this man is still in my life. We were friends for years before and somehow just can’t shake each other. He often jokes about one day settling down with me and leaving everyone else. I laugh uneasily because I do not want this at all. I do not want the relationship…with anyone.
Let me explain how I am in relationships. I lose my entire self. I am no longer Jeanine Nicole. I am this person’s everything. His mother, his cook, his maid, his sex slave, his designer, his financial advisor. I am all his. I have nothing left to give to myself because I become consumed with making his life better. It’s a horrible trait that I have and will be damned if I fall into that trap again. Reasons why I say it’s not for everyone. Some are able to be this type of person for their mate and still be successful in their own endeavors. I am not that person. I honestly did not write for the entire time that I was with him. Writing is my air. That alone showed me that I am not equip for a relationship. I often would argue with myself when I came to the realization of this. I wasn’t upset with the fact that I didn’t want the relationship. I was more concerned with knowing that I deserved it. I deserved love. I deserved a nice beautiful wedding that I have had planned since the age of 10. I deserved a gorgeous bearded man tearing up at the thought of me being his forever. I deserved the perfect family and nice house. Saying that I am not right for relationships had me feeling like I was saying I wasn’t worthy of it. Now that I am older, I see this as completely opposite.
When it comes down to it, love comes in various forms. I feel like I have more love being shown to me since I broke up with my ex than when we were actually together. Does this mean I am settling for his bs? Hell no. But at this moment in time, I am happy with what we have. There is no pressure. There are no titles. I am focused on myself, my career, and my kids and if he wants to come over and we have amazing sex, that just happens. It’s that simple for me. After I broke up with my son’s father and was actually free of him, I went two years without even thinking about love or relationships. I had been tethered to someone emotionally since 12th grade and I was free to do as I pleased now. In those two years, I published 2 books and was the happiest I had ever been. I mean truly happy. I look at old pictures and would remember how free I was. And I envied that. Now, I am back there. I am her again. That to me matters more than a relationship or having someone’s last name.
Love is beautiful. Period. I love seeing people joining together and being truly in love and happy. It’s really an amazing thing when it happens and it is pure. But with that being said, those two are actually ready for that union to happen. They are both in a place where they are comfortable enough with their own selves to join with another. I am not there yet. And I honestly, probably never will be. This doesn’t mean I can’t have the family that I want or experience date nights. It just is on the terms that I have set for myself. I don’t need a boyfriend or husband to be happy. Sorry society. That does not equate my value. My happiness is what drives me. That is what I care about the most. Do more to make you happy and stop worrying about how others will perceive you. At the end of the day, you are the only one who gets in that casket when it is over. You are what matters. Not what others think. Figure out what works for you, with any aspect of your life, and simply do it.
Okay, this is going to be quick. I really didn’t want to discuss yet another celeb drama story BUT after seeing the way people are dragging Karrueche, I had to say something. My biggest issue with this entire situation is why are people targeting Karrueche? What did she do wrong exactly? She loved and forgave a man(too many times, but that’s your opinion) and she was cheated on…how is this her fault? Yes, you can say she should have seen the signs and left a long time ago, but does that warrant the reaction that she’s getting? I mean there are jokes everywhere about her not being loyal and lying about leaving Chris. How in the hell does this mean she’s not loyal? When did loyal equate stupidity? She’s not loyal because “girl it’s just a baby, you can stay.” -_- Some times it takes you to get knocked on your ass multiple times before you finally move on. Why are we not congratulating her for coming to this realization and at least saying she’s leaving? Granted, she may stay, but why is that anyone’s business? Honestly, look at your own relationships and think of how many memes people could come up with to describe you. Now, I am not agreeing with Karrueche in any way. I don’t think she should’ve stayed for so long with Chris, but I can definitely put myself in her shoes. Emotional abuse is the worse and it is the hardest to leave because some don’t see it as real abuse. “He didn’t hit me so it’s not that bad.” If anything I feel bad for her. Can you imagine a man that you love so much, a man that you have taken back so many times, just goes and has a baby with someone you were cool with? His seed, his spawn, his flesh and blood…with another seemingly unimportant woman? This is hurtful.
Instead of degrading her, how about we turn it around on the bitch assness of Chris Brown? Why do we automatically jump on the woman? HE is the one who cheated! HE is the one who lied! HE is the one claiming he wanted something with Karrueche that he obviously knew he had with someone else! HE is the one who constantly runs around talking about how much he loves her, but does the complete opposite! So, how about we run to Twitter and cuss him out and call him un-loyal and make memes about him with his name mispronounced? No, we don’t do that because like always, the woman is wrong in every situation. “She’s so stupid for staying…that’s what she gets.” No, she believed and trusted a man she loved. Since when was that the wrong thing to do? How many times have you forgiven someone just to have them shit on you again? The only difference is you do it behind closed doors. I normally don’t come on the blog and discuss celebrity matters, but as I am maturing I am learning that people need to see these celebs as human beings. This young woman is hurting and how dare we judge her life? Once again, I don’t agree with many of her decisions BUT I will never judge someone for falling in love and giving someone a chance. Been there, done that. It’s hard to let go of that type of love and maybe this is just the thing she needs to get back on the right track. Either way…she has my support. Even though I’m still slick kinda mad about the Beyoncé/ Blue hair thing 🙂
I am Jeanine Nicole 