After writing the “Single Moms Are…” post I decided to create a t-shirt to further enforce my message. I want all single mothers to feel that they are strong individuals and not those derogatory words that were pulled up in the search. We have to be the change that we want to see and with that more positivity needs to be put out there about what single mothers really are. You can purchase the t-shirt at http://www.teespring.com/single-moms-are.
So as I was googling some things for a homework assignment, I came across this search result on Google. The irony was I was actually doing a positive reinforcement image and decided to do one about single mothers and insert positive words on my PowerPoint slide. To my shock, this is what automatically popped up before I could finish typing into the search engine. I could not believe that there was this long list of horrible and very wrong descriptions of single mothers. I began to wonder why did single mothers get such a bad rep? Why were there so many hateful qualifiers being associated with such an amazing person? We’ve seen the memes that poke fun at single mothers being thots and always looking for fun, staying out late, and being with every Tom, Dick, and Jamal, but why, or rather, where did these thoughts originate?
When I think of single mothers, I think of the strongest creatures on this earth. They are the only people that I can think of that truly have to do EVERYTHING on their own. They have to sacrifice every ounce of mental, physical, and emotional well being on a daily basis. There is not a moment where a single mother can throw her hands in the air and say, “I’m done.” This is just not a doable option in this type of situation. When it comes to finances, single mothers are not able to say, “Shiiiiiitttt, I ain’t got it bruh,” when their child is in need of something. When they are sick, there are no sick days in parenting, so life has to continue. Food still has to be cooked. House still has to be cleaned. Clothes still need to be sorted, washed, dried, folded, and put away. (I hate you, you evil despicable laundry). Homework has to be checked. Baths given. You get my drift. AND THIS IS EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! Add in work, school, and any attempt at a social/dating life and it’s a wonder that single mothers are not given a mandatory prescription for Xanax.
We do all of this with ease as if it was in our DNA. There are single mothers who have been doing it for their child’s whole lives and their children are extremely successful as are they. There are single mothers who juggle it all so well despite the hardships that they come by on a daily basis. No one looks at this. When you have a two parent home, it is so much easier to do the simplest things. You have someone there to help out when you need it. This is not available to a single mother. Regardless of how you may feel that day, you have to be on at all times because you are parenting and providing for another life. You want this person to be a successful and productive citizen, so failure is not an option for you. I never understand how someone can look down on someone who has to endure all of this and continues to push on. How about some encouragement? Some love and kindness, because I am sure no one is telling them how great of a job they are doing. No one is uplifting them and letting them know that they are appreciated. Instead, we are torn down because of a decision that the other irresponsible party has made. We are made fun of because we decided to stick it out and parent our children.
My number one goal is to always uplift anyone in any way that I can. Single mothers are a sore spot for me because I am living that life. No one knows how hard this is and despite what so many people think, we don’t choose this life at all. We don’t enter relationships with knowledge that our partner will be a deadbeat and leave. We don’t sleep with men hoping to cash out on that $72.47 a month child support check. We are not easy. We are not selfish. We are not disgusting. We are not hateful. We are AMAZING. We are BEAUTIFUL. We are INTELLIGENT. We are CEOS. We are TALENTED. We are simply the shit. If you know a single mother, tell her how proud you are of her. Tell her she is great. Uplift these women because they are raising the kids of the future. We pour so much of ourselves into these little beings with no expectation of anything in return. Be that support system and inspire them because it is much needed. To my single mothers, if no one else tells you(and even if they do tell you) I love you. I am amazed at your strength. Your resilience allows me to continue on. You are not alone. You are appreciated.
It is officially almost 2:00 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I am officially tired of it all. I know you are thinking…well if you are tired then you should be able to sleep. No…not really. I am tired of the bs that the other parent puts out there. My oldest son’s father has recently entered the picture again and he has been nothing but a text messaging parent. Whenever there is an event or anything…we receive text messages. Whenever my son wants to see him…we receive text messages on how he can’t make it happen at the time. Sooo…yesterday was his father’s birthday and we know how we are for our birthday… we take the day off, we have special shit planned, we got out for this specific day. Why was there no type of contact for my son? Why was there no mention of trying to see him, especially since he is out of school on this day as well? Am I tripping or is he just really in that comfortable stage of not doing shit?
I try my hardest to not be THAT baby mama. I barely get child support…we never see him…I am stuck with all the responsibility and yet I keep my mouth close. Something that is very hard to do right now. You see, I am at a breaking point. I am waking up feeling no longer like myself. Like I don’t even want to be a part of this world and yet, here I am. I do not have the option of saying, “I cannot do it,” when it comes to my kids. I don’t have the luxury of saying, “I am busy,” or “I am tired.” This doesn’t work on my end. While I am forced to live out my consequences of bad decisions and also try to learn about myself, I am stuck in a horrible place. I am 29 and just learning the best parts of me and yet, I have never been so unhappy in my entire life. I feel like it is being shut out because of my everyday responsibilities while the other half is just able to text in “have a good night” and live their life. I often feel bad because of my jealousy, but do I not have that right? Should I not be upset because I am taking on the full responsibility of someone who is half of me? I would always beat myself up because I would often wish that I had my kids later. But is that not a normal response to a young adult? I literally cannot even go out to grab dinner or a drink with someone because of my responsibilities. I am losing myself in this all and when I look for support, I get nothing. “Well, you shouldn’t have had kids so young.” “You should’ve thought about that then.” So, I am to be punished for my whole life for a simple error that I made when I was young? Forget the absentee parent. They can do whatever the fuck they want…but we are going to continue to make the parent who is actually involved in the child’s life…the one that is there at every second of the day suffer? No, there will be no nights off…there will be no social times with others…you will suffer abundantly…while the absentee parent lives their life carefree. Why is this?
I love my kids…more than I love myself because honestly, I am over this world and would love to be rid of it. But, I am tired. I am tired of holding this burden on my own. Tired of realizing my own dreams and having to pushing them to the side to make room for theirs. Tired of working stupid ass jobs just to keep the lights on when I want to see what lays ahead for my own career. Tired of being the only one who answers the call. Tired of being the one who wakes up, gets them dressed, off to school, then off to work, picks them up, cooks dinner, checks homework, goes back to work, finishes her own homework, and passes out before 10:00pm. What life is this? I AM FUCKING TIRED! But what choice do I have? I can’t do anything but write a sad blog about these issues, cry, drink, and suck it up. Oh and let’s not even talk about the one thing I could do to sort of have a release, drinking, has me totally turned off. I literally turn my nose up at a drink now so there goes that outlet. This is the life I choose and it is what it is. Is it fair? Fuck no…but no one else sees it as that. I can do nothing, but pray for some happiness and solace when I wake up because as a single mother…my head and my thoughts are the worst place to be.
I am pledging to continue to bring more positive representation of our people to the media. In doing so, I will be highlighting different brands and organizations that are trying to do the same. In times like these, it is better for us to stick together and continue to support our brands. It is up to us to spread the news and empower our community. With that being said, I am shining a spotlight on Peris Morgan, Founder of “The New Black.” This organization is all about uplifting and empowering Black women and it is something that we all need to get behind.
1. Tell us a little about yourself and your company.
- If I had an unlimited budget for my company I would first off go on a tour hosting events to spread unity amongst women on a broader spectrum.
- I would create a charity for resources for single mothers because I feel that there isn’t enough resources for them/us.
- And lastly, I would invest in more promotion to build awareness of my brand.
Photo Courtesy: Peris Morgan
A few weeks ago there was an interesting discussion on Twitter about men who only get their kids on the weekends. One guy argued that he was the best father in the world even though he only gets his son on the weekends. He then went on to say that he doesn’t think it is fair that his baby mama gets to collect child support and live off of him while he is in his child’s life. There were a few comments that were said back to him that got me to wondering. Why do “weekend dads” think they are God’s gift to their baby mama’s? Yes, we are grateful that you are spending time with your child, but please do not act like we should be running out to get you a “Number 1 dad” mug. Let me break it down so you can see why “weekend dads” are really the new term for deadbeats.
1. You only get them on the weekend. How does this make you an amazing parent? In my case, I have to work a fulltime job, come home and cook and clean, plus take my son to therapy every week. What do you do? You watch him run around and play for two days straight. Big whoop! If you are only involved in your kids lives Friday evening till Sunday morning, you are a deadbeat. There is no reason why you should not be participating in weekly activities or even calling to talk to your child. The guy on Twitter said that his baby mama only wanted him to see the kids on the weekend so she can go out and party with his child support. Now, I will get to the child support in my next point, but let’s address that first part. She is letting you keep the kids on the weekend so she can go out and party? Really? Did it ever occur to you that maybe she needs a break from her busy week of taking care of your child alone? Even if she is out partying, this is well deserved as seeing that Mon-Friday, you might as well not even have a child. You can come and go as you please, while she can’t even go to the grocery store without having to go through an ordeal. This is the one thing I hate that men do. They act like it is okay for them to go without responsibility all week, but when it comes to the weekend she’s a bad mom because she wants two days off. Get outta here.
2. Child support. This is the biggest pet peeve I have when it comes to taking care of a child and what men think. First, let me state that no woman, and I mean NO WOMAN, is living off of child support. Unless you are Kanye or Jay, those little child support payments do nothing for a woman in today’s society. I have two kids. I get a total of $130 for one and $350 for the other a month. That is a total of $480. My rent is $554, daycare is $140 a week, who is living off child support? Please! Men want to call us money hungry when we go through child support, but in actuality if you were doing what you were suppose to do, half of us would not even fool with child support. If I knew that I could call and say, “Hey, so and so needs some new uniform pants?” and I would get in return, “No problem,” then why would I file? But when you get BS every time your child needs something and you need help, you go with the only thing that you know will at least give you some type of assistance. Even though it is not enough. I once had my son’s father tell me that he would not help me with any of my bills because I choose to leave him. Those bills were my fault. Really? But your child is with me, full time. This is why child support was put in place. Now, I will say that some women use their child support for themselves and do nothing for the child. But this type of behavior is evident while you and the mother were dating. If you saw that she was no good while y’all were dating, please don’t act surprise when you see her in a new pair of Js and your child is rocking a pair of shoes too small. You knew she was a rat when you were dating. I’m just saying.
Now, before you go crazy, no, all weekend dads are not deadbeats. Some actually work hard and can only see their children on the weekends. But there is a big difference between not being able to see your children and not wanting to see your children. My biggest reason for writing this post was that single mothers d0 not get the credit that they deserve. Well, single parents, there are some excellent single fathers out there who fall into this category as well. We do not get the credit that we deserve. Instead, we have to stay strong and muster up whatever strength we have and take care of our children while the other party gets to sit around and do nothing, and then when the weekend comes, it’s their turn to do nothing again. When you deal with a child one on one for weeks on end, 24/7, then come and talk to me “weekend dads”. Right now, I just have no sympathy for you guys.