Tag: society

Love… It Ain’t for Everybody

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Maybe I should rephrase my title a little. Love is for everybody…but relationships aren’t. (That doesn’t make for a catchy title so hence why I didn’t change it.) When it comes to relationships, I really feel like it just isn’t meant to be for everyone. The fact that people try to push relationships on others or the fact that people stay in shitty relationships just to keep up appearances proves this notion. Society makes you feel inadequate if you do not have a “bae” or someone whom you deem your MCM every Monday. If you are single and, God forbid, over 30, you’re trash. This makes people jump into relationships at the speed of light so they are not categorized. It saddens me that so many people are doing this nowadays. Speaking for myself, I fell into this sad space. I wanted to build my family and be a perfect wife because I knew I could do it. I wanted to feel what love was and have someone love me unconditionally and be able to post pics of date night and shit…then he cheated…and tried to move her in. I immediately retreated from the word love and went back into hiding. Now that time has went on, this man is still in my life. We were friends for years before and somehow just can’t shake each other. He often jokes about one day settling down with me and leaving everyone else. I laugh uneasily because I do not want this at all. I do not want the relationship…with anyone.

Let me explain how I am in relationships. I lose my entire self. I am no longer Jeanine Nicole. I am this person’s everything. His mother, his cook, his maid, his sex slave, his designer, his financial advisor. I am all his. I have nothing left to give to myself because I become consumed with making his life better. It’s a horrible trait that I have and will be damned if I fall into that trap again. Reasons why I say it’s not for everyone. Some are able to be this type of person for their mate and still be successful in their own endeavors. I am not that person. I honestly did not write for the entire time that I was with him. Writing is my air. That alone showed me that I am not equip for a relationship. I often would argue with myself when I came to the realization of this. I wasn’t upset with the fact that I didn’t want the relationship. I was more concerned with knowing that I deserved it. I deserved love. I deserved a nice beautiful wedding that I have had planned since the age of 10. I deserved a gorgeous bearded man tearing up at the thought of me being his forever. I deserved the perfect family and nice house. Saying that I am not right for relationships had me feeling like I was saying I wasn’t worthy of it. Now that I am older, I see this as completely opposite.

When it comes down to it, love comes in various forms. I feel like I have more love being shown to me since I broke up with my ex than when we were actually together. Does this mean I am settling for his bs? Hell no. But at this moment in time, I am happy with what we have. There is no pressure. There are no titles. I am focused on myself, my career, and my kids and if he wants to come over and we have amazing sex, that just happens. It’s that simple for me. After I broke up with my son’s father and was actually free of him, I went two years without even thinking about love or relationships. I had been tethered to someone emotionally since 12th grade and I was free to do as I pleased now. In those two years, I published 2 books and was the happiest I had ever been. I mean truly happy. I look at old pictures and would remember how free I was. And I envied that. Now, I am back there. I am her again. That to me matters more than a relationship or having someone’s last name.

Love is beautiful. Period. I love seeing people joining together and being truly in love and happy. It’s really an amazing thing when it happens and it is pure. But with that being said, those two are actually ready for that union to happen. They are both in a place where they are comfortable enough with their own selves to join with another. I am not there yet. And I honestly, probably never will be. This doesn’t mean I can’t have the family that I want or experience date nights. It just is on the terms that I have set for myself. I don’t need a boyfriend or husband to be happy. Sorry society. That does not equate my value. My happiness is what drives me. That is what I care about the most. Do more to make you happy and stop worrying about how others will perceive you. At the end of the day, you are the only one who gets in that casket when it is over. You are what matters. Not what others think. Figure out what works for you, with any aspect of your life, and simply do it.

“Our Deepest Fear” Complex

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So, I recently just got this tattoo of the “Our Deepest Fear” poem by Marianne Williamson and it is pretty much my life motto. As you know I have been writing since I was five and have wanted to do nothing but that since. So why am I 27 with two published books just sitting in the wings like nothing? Because of this exact poem. My deepest fear is not failing but actually succeeding. What? How can that be? What sense does that make? Let me break it down. I have been on my own since I was 19 and I became pregnant. Yes, I had the help of my mother but I was pretty much on my own doing my own thing. I was used to the hustle that life as a single mother brought. Selling food stamps and WIC just to pay the light bill was normal to me. Getting paid and having nothing but ten dollars left over to buy a little to drink was nothing new. I knew I was destined for more, but that terrified me. I used to always say, “Who am I to be out there on the red carpet rubbing elbows with celebrities?” “Who am I to have my own company and actually produce my own work?” Who am I to do these things? I’m no one. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to accomplish those things so why would I even try? Why would I want to be in the limelight and be in a new environment? I wasn’t used to success so I shrunk myself to fit in with the crowd.

So many people do this today and it really saddens me. I see that settling is the normal thing to do now and I always ask myself why? Why do people settle for bullshit when they know they deserve more? Is it the fear of being more? Is it because we don’t know to handle being better and being in a different place in life? Do we not have the right models around us to encourage us to reach our full potential? We have to change this way of thinking. This complex does nothing but hinder our growth and create a vicious cycle that effects our children. We don’t want our children looking at success fearfully. They should look at it with open arms. They should want to be successful. They should fear the opposite. I feel that many of our people teach our children to just get by. Get a good job and education and that’s it. But what about living your dreams? What about doing more than just the norm? We always shy away from those topics because they aren’t a guarantee. You can’t pay bills with a dream. But, my God, you can. If you really work toward that dream you can do so much with it. My hope is that we change this complex and change the mind of our children and have it where dreams rule the world. There is nothing like the fruition of a dream coming true. We have to get out of this mindset of shrinking ourselves because what we want is not what everyone else believes in. I had an ex tell me that I was stupid for dreaming the way that I did. I needed to get with the program and find a regular job and stop dreaming of writing and Hollywood. It wasn’t going to happen, is what he said. But, look at me now. Yes, I still have this complex, but my belief and curiosity keeps me going. Yes, I am fearful of being great because it brings a lot of unknown. But I’d rather get there and face those unknowns then. Being great and different is not a curse. It’s not you thinking you are better than everyone else. “Who does she think she is?” No! It is a blessing. Start treating it that way.

Where Do We Go From Here?

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isThis case is one of those cases that will forever be remembered. It’s like our generation’s “Rodney King”. George Zimmerman was found not guilty of killing Trayvon Martin. A young black teenager who was simply walking to the store, buying snacks in a hoodie. After the advice of the police, Zimmerman decided to take the law into his own hands and approach Martin. And we know how it ends. This verdict has me feeling numb, especially as a parent. What do I say to my two young black boys? How do I prevent this from happening to them? I was raised to believe that everyone is equal and should be treated as such. You do your best in life and God will reward you. But somehow as I get older, I see that this is starting to change. You can’t just be educated and Black in America and expect to be treated as an equal. This has been proven over and over again.

After the verdict was given, I saw a lot of posts saying that it is in God’s hands and there was nothing we could do. I could not believe that people were actually saying this. And then I saw this post

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If that wasn’t the truth right there. From the beginning of time, Blacks have always been told to take the higher road and trust in God for all these things. Now, yes. I believe that God has the final say and my faith in him is as strong as ever, but I do also believe strongly in the verse, “Faith without works is dead.” I believe that God’s reason for prayer is for you to seek him and hear what action he wants you to do to solve your problem. No problem gets solved with you just sitting there. This is something people seem to not remember. Yes, you pray to God, but in that praying you should be seeking His answer. Once you hear it, you act. Sometimes God will tell you to just sit and wait, and other times he will give you instructions on how to make that situation better. Being complacent is what has society in this same situation time and time again. God sends us signals and if we keep ignoring them they are just going to get bigger and bigger. I hear a lot of people complaining that this much attention isn’t given to black on black crimes, but I would say to those people that this is probably a way for God to show those who didn’t pay attention to now see all the violence as a whole. People will begin to rally behind this case and in retrospect their efforts will trickle down and help these other crimes that go ignored.

I, personally, get upset when any type of crime is committed against an innocent person. The Casey Anthony trial had me up in arms. Wrongful killings of my classmates by police and other black men had me up in arms. But this case just made me doubtful. It made me doubt the judicial system. It made me doubt anyone who says that we are all equal. It made me doubt my decision to bring children into this world. Hell, it even made me doubt myself as a mother. But one thing it did do was awaken me. It opened my eyes to see the bigger picture. It opened my eyes to see that I was being complacent in my life. Depending on just my prayers to get me and my boys where we needed to be. Not truly taking any action to get myself closer to that goal. This case showed me that more work needs to be done and I have to put my time in as well. I owe it to my sons to be apart of this fight. So when they are older they can have a future to look to.

Our ancestors fought too hard for us to just let this slip through our fingertips. This is no different then the times that our grandparents lived in, except now there are trials but the outcome is always the same. We have to learn to stop being so complacent and actually stand up for something. Someone said yesterday that ‘what was the point of others respecting us when we don’t respect ourselves?’ This really made me think. With all the reality shows and twerking videos and World Star videos, why would they look at us as equals? Yes, we are not the only ones in these videos, but we are the majority when it comes to them. Instead of another race seeing us as intellectual beings and on the same playing field, they see women fighting over a sorry man, or chicks having a twerk off. Who would respect that? It’s too the point where I am starting to not respect half of the Black community because we sit back and allow this stupidity to continue. We want respect but we continue to degrade ourselves, continue to kill one another. Why would they respect us?

Yes this case is upsetting and no the verdict did not come as a shock and with saying that, that is the problem there. The fact that no one is surprised that Zimmerman, a white man, was allowed to go against police orders and stalk, attack, and kill Trayvon Martin, a black teen, and is able to go home free is very sad and it shows how complacent we have become with these types of situation. We can argue and curse and black out pictures and talk shit on Facebook and Twitter all day, but when it comes down to it, what are you really going to do? I know what my actions will be, but what are yours? Where do you go from here?

You can start in the fight to prevent this from happening to another innocent person by joining the Trayvon Martin Foundation, www.trayvonmartinfoundation.org. They will keep you abreast on peaceful rallys and ways that you can help to get certain laws, like “Stand Your Ground,” out of the system. My deepest sympathy and prayers go out to Sybrina Fulton and Tracy Martin for their loss. Their son’s death will not be in vain, in my eyes. Hoodies up, eyes open. R.I.P. Trayvon.