Somehow this year, I’ve allowed myself to become more depressed than I’d like to admit. I’m used to dealing with my depression in various ways. I shut down, I cry, I throw myself into a project, I smoke, I drink, sometimes I’ll write, listen to music, watch a few episodes of Drag Race and be okay. But lately…I’ll do all these things and the end result is still sadness. Well sadness isn’t really the word. It’s more emptiness and anger, which I’ll break down.Continue reading
Worth It or Nah?
So there was a clip floating around on Twitter where a woman said that she could be dying on the side of the road and she would still not ask her child’s father for help. The men in the clip thought she was outrageous and couldn’t believe she was saying this. But after thinking about it…I understood completely where she was coming from.Continue reading
The Mind of a Procrastinator pt. 1
All right…let’s get up and get Marlee together. What are we doing today? We need to get all the stuff done that involves using the laptop. Okay…so checking on Walmart orders, checking on Cayden’s school stuff, checking on Marlee’s paperwork. Wait…do I have a copy of the lease? Okay…I’ll look through the emails. Why is this girl trying to wear heels? Let me let her brush her teeth while I do her hair. Ugh I need to detangleContinue reading
One thing that I’ve been doing during this quarantine is therapatizing myself. Is therapatizing a word? No…but ima use it lol. Among the many things, I’ve been trying to change my negativity towards relationships. I’m finding myself becoming colder and harder with this subject. I instantly reject any notion that a healthy relationship is in my future. It’s impossible…………………………….right?
Yes, I know what I deserve. I know I’m amazing and blah blah blah…but is it actually possible? My dating life is not even a thing. Completely non-existent. I will say I have at least put a little effort into it. This is how it normally goes:
“Wow…you’re beautiful. I would love to get to know more about you. Tell me something.”
“Aww thanks. Well, I like to write, I own my own natural product company, I love to cook.”
“That’s dope. Do you have any kids?”
Now, I normally don’t get upset when I don’t get a response because I get it. Three kids is a lot. Trust…I know. But damn! Can a sista get a “lol” or something before getting completely ghosted? After this happens a good 7 times, I normally say screw it and delete whatever dating app I’ve been perusing at the time.
If that isn’t the gist of the conversation, the others normally go somewhere straight sexual on their end or they are looking for someone to cheat on their wives with 🙄. With these type of results constantly happening, one would have to be insane to think anything different will ever happen.
That’s where I am with the whole thing. I’ve automatically written anyone off because it’s easier to not get hurt that way. Can’t get hurt if I already assume you’re a cheater and a liar….right?
But who wants to think like that? It’s draining and annoying asf. There has to be some sort of balance between being positive and not being stupid. But how do you get to that place? Mentally, all I know is bullshit. I’ve never been in any healthy relationships. I read certain posts on social media and find myself stumped on how actual healthy relationships exist. Even from the smallest things like a man just randomly hugging and kissing on you because he is that infatuated with you. WHAT IS THAT?!? I’ve never had it. Moments like that hit me and make me sit back and truly be honest with myself. I’ve never been in an equally yoked relationship. I know what love is simply because I have loved before. But never the other way around. If I was ever loved by someone, it was out of convenience for themselves. It was never something that was natural. It came with stipulations, drama, anger, regrets, and fear. Love…genuine love was nowhere around.
And then it hit me again. When is the last time I ever experienced true intimacy? Not something I fabricated in my head, but something real. Not something that was forced to produce forgiveness. When was the last time I had been taken care of? Been thought of? Been held? Kissed? Appreciated?
The lack of these things are the reason why I’m so quick to reject the idea of love…but is that a fair assessment? I can’t really hate on something I’ve never fully experienced. Today’s male population does not make it any easier, but my unhealthy attitude towards love doesn’t help either. I am a firm believer in you attract what you put out. I don’t purposely put out negative vibes, but it seeps through my pores so it’s inevitable that it will come out in some ways.
My biggest thing now is just trying to be fully honest with myself more and more so I can try to heal properly. No, I will not be all positive and lovey dovey the next time I speak to a guy…but I will stop automatically assuming the worst. I will trust myself in knowing that I am smarter than I was and I won’t fall for the same bs. I will trust myself to never be in those situations again. This is the lesson I need to learn!
At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my thoughts, and my intentions. Will I get hurt again? Will I find the love of my life? Who knows…but I owe it to myself to at least try vs. complaining and accepting a fate that is not even mine. If nothing else, a good story can always come out of it. 💙
Depressed On The 1st
Today I woke up depressed…but isn’t it the New Year? Wasn’t some magical time bomb suppose to go off that instantly made 2019 my best year? Didn’t all that emotional shit get left behind at the stroke of midnight? Clearly, it did not.
Let me clarify this depression. While it isn’t the normal depression that I’m used to dealing with throughout my whole life…it still is a form that I’ve began to recognize. For the past month, I’ve been anxiously awaiting the arrival of my daughter. Is she overdue? Technically no…but when you’ve been in constant pain and the doctor mentions that you’re measuring further along and she is already very big…you get excited at the thought that she’s gonna be here sooner than you think. So I automatically go into preparation mode. I had to get everything ready for her imminent arrival. I had meal prep ideas, cleaned out my closet, everything was organized, I closed my business. I WAS READY!!! A whole ass month later…no baby. 🙄
This is when I began to notice the small signs of depression that many people ignore. I became a robot. I was literally doing the same thing every single day. Wake up, drop the boys off at school, go to work, pick them up from school, go back to work, come home, cook, watch Bobs Burgers, and go to sleep by 9. This was my routine. When the weekend came…I was lost. I didn’t know what to do nor did I want to do anything. I would literally just lay on the couch and see how much pain I could withstand before it was time for bed. For me, the pain meant she was still possibly coming. (Clear negative)
The week before Christmas, I magically could feel no pain. I was able to walk again. Finally!! She was coming. I Googled a bunch of herbs and foods to see how we could speed this along and went for it. It felt like it was working…she was going to be here soon…I COULD FEEL IT! I went to the doctor, knowing they were gonna tell me I was at least dilated. But again…more unanswered questions and just the same ole “lets see what the specialist says next week.” MORE WAITING!
For a person with anxiety, waiting is the worst thing that could ever be told to them. You literally want me to wait three days to see IF she can be induced? Why can’t we just get this over today? What am I suppose to do with my life until then?? So, I went home and did nothing. I slept. I didn’t engage with anyone. My mind didn’t think about anything but when will she come? I would wake up in the middle of the night wondering if my water broke, how would I react? This was consuming me.
The final straw was New Year’s Eve. I was prepared to sleep at 9 as usual. My kids were good. I put on some music to clear my head and laid down. And then my idiot neighbors commenced a 4 hour firework show in our backyard. I’ve been irritated before and normally just got over it, but this time I couldn’t. I started crying until it was somewhat over. I wondered why was I even crying over something so small and realized I just wanted to sleep and get to the next day. A day closer to her being born. I woke up the next morning, went to the bathroom, laid down figuring out how I would spend this day off and was shocked as tears rolled down my eyes. Wtf?? It’s a new year and I don’t think this is allowed. What was I crying for? I wanted my hair done but I knew I was going to be too exhausted and mentally drained to do it. I wanted to feel cute but I knew I would just end my day feeling pregnant again. Nothing was going to be accomplished today.
That’s what clicked. The only accomplishment I was focused on was delivering this baby. Nothing else mattered. For the past two months, this has been my only focus. I hadn’t been able to wrap my mind around anything else. This was a state of depression, but in a completely different form. And how was I going to combat it? I mean, I can’t just make her come out. It is a horrible waiting game so where do I go from here? Normally I would drink, smoke and start with a clear head. But that can’t be done. I could get out the house but the issue would still be looming and waiting for me when I walked back in the door.
So, the only thing I could think of was to write. 🤷🏾♀️ It’s always been my go to. Even if what I’m writing makes no sense. I’m getting the thoughts out of my head for the moment. It’s the one release that always works for me. I’m sure many will read this and not understand a thing I’m going through…and that’s fine. I never write for anyone but me. It is my therapy that I just happen to share with the world. That is the one thing I know will never change in this new year. Depression and anxiety will always be a part of me. No matter what. The biggest takeaway is that I recognize it and learn how to curb it so it is manageable. It never goes away. But it doesn’t have to be life consuming either.
And even if I’m pregnant for the rest of my life, medically impossible but mentally I feel it can happen 😂, I will have to just chalk it up. I can’t control everything. The anxiety will have to just deal. She’s in control and not me. C’est la vie. ❤️
S/N: STOP ASKING PREGNANT WOMEN IF THEY ARE STILL PREGNANT! Also…what kind of magical potion are these celebs taking because everyone has had their baby, but me 😩😂. ✌🏾
Monday’s Empowerment Spotlight: Peris Morgan and “The New Black”
I am pledging to continue to bring more positive representation of our people to the media. In doing so, I will be highlighting different brands and organizations that are trying to do the same. In times like these, it is better for us to stick together and continue to support our brands. It is up to us to spread the news and empower our community. With that being said, I am shining a spotlight on Peris Morgan, Founder of “The New Black.” This organization is all about uplifting and empowering Black women and it is something that we all need to get behind.
1. Tell us a little about yourself and your company.
- If I had an unlimited budget for my company I would first off go on a tour hosting events to spread unity amongst women on a broader spectrum.
- I would create a charity for resources for single mothers because I feel that there isn’t enough resources for them/us.
- And lastly, I would invest in more promotion to build awareness of my brand.
Photo Courtesy: Peris Morgan
Support Small Businesses!
1. Follow “A DayDream Production” on Instagram
2. Like “A DayDream Production”‘s page on Facebook
3. Repost the original contest picture(it is on the Instagram page) and comment with the hashtag #SupportADayDreamProduction
And that’s it! We will choose a winner at 10am est tomorrow and the winner will win a free downloadable copy of my new book, “Choices.” They will also be featured on the website. Make sure you follow the rules and share with others for your chance to win!
Reasons Why I May Be A Bad Girlfriend
So, I’ve been in a relationship for a few months now…yeah I know what you are saying. What? Relationship? But you hate love and all that jazz…we will discuss that on another post lol. But since I have been in this relationship I have realized something…I may be a bad girlfriend. Now, don’t get me wrong I’m an amazing person, once you get to know me, but the actual levels that you have to reach in a relationship just seem to be insurmountable. I will give you all a few examples and then you guys be the judge. Hopefully I won’t be single after this post. 🙂
1. Stuck on independent mode
Now, I had my oldest son when I was 20 and I have been on my own ever since. Even when I had my last relationship, I still was on my own in a sense. I have been figuring out how to pay the bills, make my dollars stretch, clean/cook/type/ (all at once) successfully in an hour…I have basically done it all by myself and mastered it. The problem with this is now I actually have someone who can help me with my load but my independent self won’t allow it. I will literally argue with them about how I can do it by myself or catch an attitude if they suggest otherwise. I am the woman who will have a child on one arm and a million grocery bags on the other and dare you to try to help me close the car door. I got this! But that’s not what a relationship is about. It is about helping each other out and willingly doing so. Not forcing someone to allow you to help them. My inability to switch from independent mode causes other issues as far as being able to actually trust someone with anything. To actually be able to say to him, “Yes, I need help with the kids” or “Yes, I would love for you to give me your suggestions on a post I need to write” and truly be comfortable with doing this is something I long for. I don’t want to be that independent girl when I clearly don’t need to be. This does not mean I want to rely on him for everything because, eww, no, but I do need to be able to show him that I trust him enough to let my guard down and that I actually want him.
This ties into me being stuck in that independent mode. Compromise is one of those things I don’t do. I never saw the need for it because, once again, I’ve always been by myself. Kinda hard to compromise with yourself. But now that I am in a relationship, I see how important compromising is. My biggest issue with compromise is that I am used to seeing it done the wrong way. Most settle and that is a difference from compromising. I’ve had to come to that realization. Compromising does not mean you are giving up something and you are someone who is just ran over. When you compromise with someone, you are showing them that they are important enough to you for you to take their feelings and thoughts into consideration. You cannot be selfish in a relationship. Now, I don’t believe in compromising everything you believe in for the sake of keeping someone around because honestly, that person should not put you in that sort of predicament. Your partner should ask you to compromise with something that is reasonable and they know is not a stretch for you. You can’t come and ask me to compromise and give up weave when you know how I get down lol. But asking to compromise when it comes to where you live or how you will raise your children is something that has to be done when it comes to relationships. Remember, you are not the same person. They are coming with their own feelings and ideals and if you feel that they are important enough, then compromise should come naturally.
3. I’m not always right
This is a hard one too. You see, I’m the type that likes to be right about any and everything. I don’t do it in that annoying way where you are ready to fight that person. I actually didn’t realize I did this until I entered this relationship. My ways and views are mines, but they are not always correct. Allowing someone to have different ways of thinking than me and opening my eyes to new ways is not a bad thing. It is a part of the dating experience. Being able to say, “You’re right and I’m wrong,” is one of those things I don’t do. I will make up excuses after excuses until that person sees it my way. This. Does. Not. Work. In. A. Relationship! No one is always right, so I’m not sure why I feel like I am or have to be. I’m sure it’s some underlying reason that stems from my childhood, but for now we won’t go there. I know it’s wrong and fixing it is a must.
4. Attitude Adjustment
This is the last one and this is a huge one. This is the one that will have me back to my “I hate love” posts if I don’t correct it. My attitude can be the worst in the world and it can happen in the blink of an eye. (Blame the Gemini in me) I can be just fine and someone will come in a room, say the wrong word about the wrong subject, and I’m yelling and cussing at him and he’s looking at me like I’m crazy. This is the ultimate no. A real man is not going to sit there and take this type of abuse just because I’m upset with someone else. I mean, I wouldn’t even take it. This is one that I am not sure how to fix because it is an integral part of me. I’m sarcastic and nonchalant. I have mood swings, more like mood rollercoasters, and they can be triggered by any thing. I used to struggle with it at a younger age, but I am able to deal with it accordingly. But when I say I am able to deal with it, that is me dealing with it on my own. I’ve never had to deal with it in a relationship. I’ve never had to sit around with someone while I am having a depression episode and try to explain that I’m on the verge of tears simply because I have to get ready to go to back to work. Or explain to them that I am only raising my voice because that’s what happens when I am mad but I’m not actually arguing with them? How do I adjust that? How do I get out of that overly serious mood and get back to just sitting back and laughing about nonsense? My only answer, for now, has been constant communication. When I feel like I have said something out of the way, I immediately try to explain the situation. But I feel like that will soon grow tiresome and I will be back to boring Saturday evenings. 😦
So, those are my reasons as to why I could be a bad girlfriend. But the fact that I recognize these issues and am actively trying to fix them is reason why I AM NOT a bad girlfriend. See, most people would see these issues and shrug them off and that’s how the relationship becomes bad. Luckily, this is someone I actually care about and am willing to make these changes. You guys know me. I don’t change for anyone, but I guess this is different. I’ve always heard that when you are in a relationship, your mate should make you want to be a better person. It should not be a big fuss or something that they force you to do, but something that you come into on your own. You should find yourself wanting to do more in life so that you can provide more to the relationship. I never understood this until now. Ladies and even you few men out there that’s reading this, if you see signs that are leading you to the “bad mate” section, quickly regroup and come up with a game plan to get yourself back on track. Especially if you feel like they are worth it. A relationship is as amazing as you want to make it, but you have to do your part in making it so.
It’s Not Your Beauty…Nor Your Booty. What Really Attracts Men to Women
So there is a list that Huffington Post published that stated the top 11 things that men do that women find attractive. They included hugging from behind, being kind to strangers, concentrating hard on something, etc. (Here’s the link on the full article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/27/the-11-most-attractive-things-men-do_n_4673122.html?utm_hp_ref=tw) One of my followers on Twitter, @kidnoble, decided to do a list of the reverse, what did women do (non sexual) that attracted men. I immediately told him he wouldn’t find any real responses because this is Twitter of course and yall know how that goes. But as I began to look at his retweets, I actually found some amazing answers out there. I decided to take a few that I saw that stood out to me and discuss them. Here is the actual full list by Kid Noble http://internalchroniclesofme.blogspot.com/2014/01/beneath-surface-11-things-women-do-that.html?spref=tw
1. A Woman With A Book in Her Hand
This was absolutely heavenly to me because as a writer I love to read. Even though I have fallen slightly off, I love to just sit in a quiet corner and delve into a good book. Just the thought of this simple enjoyment being an absolute turn on to my man is beyond amazing. I believe this is something that turns a man on because he sees that you are more. You are able to expound and open your mind to things that are less trivial. You aren’t wrapped up in the latest reality show or gossip column. You are able to have an imagination. You have a brain.
2. Sincerely Pray For You
I believe this is a good one as well. If you have a woman that is able to pray for you without hesitation then you definitely have a keeper. If you have a religious or spiritual relationship, this is something a man is looking for in a wife. He wants to know that she holds the same values as he does and that she is willing to help in his need for spiritual rebuilding. He sees that she is serious and that this is not just another relationship. She is actually going to the Lord and praying for him, trying to uplift him. This is something truly special.
3. Be A Good Parent
This really should be a no brainer. A man wants a woman who he believes he can procreate with and prosper. Whether you think it or not, your parenting skills are definitely a factor. Especially if he has a void in that area, i.e. his parents were not around and he still feels the affects. If he sees you being a great nurturer, this will turn him on because he knows that he does not have to worry about his own children that he has with you. He knows that they will be raised in a way that he approves of and he will look at you in a different light.
4. Shows Genuine Concern
A man likes to act super tough but in reality they want to be cared for just like a woman. They want you to be concerned in their aspects of life. Whether it is helping them with a resume because they are looking for a job, or discussing ways that they can communicate better with a family member, or even just rubbing their back when their favorite team has lost, men want to know you care. Now, there is a difference between nagging and caring. Nagging is being in their face all day, every day about nonsense. Caring is different. If you hear him saying that his feet are hurting more and more after work, go out and buy him some better shoes or even some of those gel insoles. It’s really that simple. Men want to know you care so that they will feel comfortable reciprocating the same feeling.
5. Being Independent
This is my all time favorite. Yes, men want to feel like they can take care of you, but no man wants to feel like they have to take care of you. A woman that is independent is a turn on because that man knows that you can hold your own. You don’t need him, but you want him. There is a difference. A man doesn’t want to feel like he has to hold everything down because you lack the capability. He wants someone who is equal and if something were to happen where he fell, she would be right there to pick up the pieces. She knows how to hold down a household. Once again, she doesn’t need him.
I will say that these men really opened my eyes and made me realize that there are still some real men out there. Real men who appreciate real things that women have to offer. Not just a cute face and a big ass, but actual attributes. Being smart, studying on the weekends, smiling, showing interest, these are things that real women do. Far too often do these qualities get overlooked because the media is shoving different qualities down our throats. I also found it refreshing to see black men actually praising black women. We don’t see that too often. We both, men and women, have to do better in this department. Men need to appreciate and praise us more openly, not just in the privacy of our own home, and women need to get back to these praise worthy qualities. We are more than just sexual creatures. We are more than just titties and ass and arguing and drama. We have to do more to perpetuate the opposite. Even when I thought about what some of these responses would’ve been I automatically thought of stereotypical responses. “I like that she cooks and shuts up when I talk” or “I like how she cleans”. It’s sad that I, as a woman, thought this is what men thought was attractive in the opposite sex. Seeing otherwise gives me hope that there is still room for change. Room for us to get back on the right path. It starts with us.
My Version of Real Love
When I first saw this drawing, I immediately fell in love with it. To some it may look like a simple drawing of a young couple kissing, but for me I saw more. I basically saw what I want in a relationship. Sometimes I can read things for more than what they are, but hey that’s the reason for me being a writer, right? Anyways, I wanted to try to turn this into a blog post instead of a story. Yes, I have already came up with their entire life story lol.
First thing first, I say that this drawing is what I want in a relationship because basically the type of man that is represented is exactly the type of man that I want. You have to look at the details. The way that he is kind of overpowering her is the thing that attracted me the most to this drawing. To me it is saying that he is protective over her. He will always be there to have her back and to be there whenever she needs it. This is the one thing all women need in a man. You want someone who you can walk down the street with and not have to worry about being disrespected or tried by anyone else because they see the presence of your man. Example, in that horrible Tyler Perry movie, yeah I know which one right?, but Temptation. When Jurnee was walking down the street and the guy called her a bitch, and Lance just told her to get in the car…no woman wants that. We want a man that we know can protect us and will do anything in their power to uphold our respect and dignity. No, I don’t want someone who is running around cursing everyone out for looking at me wrong, but basically he needs to just have that presence. He isn’t outlandish with it. It is just recognized and understood by everyone he comes into contact with.
Second, his attire. I love a man that is a jack of all trades. He can go from the corporate world to playing ball with the fellas to attending a jazz festival at night and not break a sweat. It is something that is innate. I hate the guys who try to hard. This is the ultimate turn off. I want someone who I know I can go to all these different events with and never have to worry once about what is going to happen. Corporate thug, nice guy with a bad boy edge, however you want to explain it, it’s what I want.
Third, her posture. It’s like she is just where she is suppose to be. This is the most important thing to me in a relationship. I don’t want to feel like being with someone is a challenge or is work. It should just flow and be natural. There should be no games that are played. No talks with friends about how do I keep him home at night. Real love doesn’t work like that. I don’t care what people try to make you believe, it doesn’t. Real love takes no energy. Yes, you will have fights, but if you are not right there in that position with that person, it just doesn’t feel right. In this drawing, she is not overly emotional or all over him. She is simply kissing her man because she knows that he is hers. This is me to a T. I am not for all the extra that comes with some relationships. I don’t need to yell from the rooftop that someone is my man nor do I need him to do it. It will be shown in other ways. Most women do all that extra stuff out of low self esteem and fear. Fear that another woman is gonna take their man. But if he is really yours, he’s not going anywhere. And all that shouting from the hill that he loves you is unreal to me. There is a difference between him loving you and “acting” like he loves you.
The last thing is actually small. The couple in the drawing are not married. I know most are like why would that be something you want in a relationship? Let me explain. Of course I want the marriage. I have had it planned since I was about 10. But reality is I know my flaws and I honestly don’t know if I want to be married anytime soon. It could be because I haven’t been exposed to real love in about 10 years or because I have seen no marriages that are encouraging. But for right now, I am not interested. But the thing I like in the drawing is that they are that happy and there is no ring. Most people focus too much on the ring. They don’t think about the actual relationship. They don’t think about solidifying the relationship first and then think about the marriage. It’s always the other way around.
This drawing definitely set in my mind exactly what I am looking for and what I want in a relationship. Sometimes it is easier to say it then to actually find it, but at least if you know what it is, you will notice it when you encounter it. That’s another problem with a lot of people. They don’t know what they want. You wait until someone comes along and just roll with the punches. I’ve grown from that type of person and will never go back to her. If that means I will have to continue to wait then so be it. I will wait until I am that girl in this drawing. In love and secure and simply happy.
Drawing by Manasseh Johnson